CHAPTER FORTY FIVE - CLEARING FRAGMENTS
He didn’t know where he was when he woke up. He’d been dreaming. He’d been climbing a grassy hill on his hands and knees with a friend. All around them had been trees that were full of snakes that had leapt at them and entwined themselves about his friend’s face and arms. He had been too paralysed to help him, frightened in case the snakes attacked him as well.
When he woke up, it took Brian several rapid heartbeats before he realised, to his relief, that there was no slope and no green snakes. His face and neck were sticky with sweat and he was cold all over, despite the sheet that was tangled about his body. He frowned for a moment. He was underground. He could see the cavern ceiling rising above him. Everything was quiet. Before there had been lots of noise. In his dream there had been the hissing and the screams of his friend and his own cries. Everything had been filled with a cacophony. Now there was nothing.
He was trembling slightly and his chest felt empty, but he didn’t feel hungry at all. All he could do was marvel at the eerie quietness. However instead of being a peaceful quiet, it was a searing one of loneliness. His head felt empty, his heart felt drained. It was as if he were a mere shell. Everything inside seemed to have rotted away.
He closed his eyes and his hands curled up. Bri. His breath was coming in short gasps. He remembered holding Bri’s pale body in his arms. He remembered the blood on his hands. He stared at them now, as if expecting still to see it there.
There was a soft bleeping that invaded the silence and it stung Brian’s head. On the side of his bed there was a small panel and it was flashing and emitting the fiant noise. Brian suddenly noticed that there was a wire connecting his arm to the small control panel. He stared at it for a moment and then pulled the needle and wire out of his skin and threw it away with a slight cry. Where was he? As the fear hit him his mind lashed out for some kind of hold, but there was nothing. He groaned and held his aching head in his hands. Nothing.
“Brian, it’s all right, it’s okay,” a voice suddenly soothed. Hands were placed on his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
Brian slowly raised his head and found himself staring at a blond haired man. He stared at him in puzzlement. “Nick?” he ventured faintly.
Nick nodded, but there was no smile on his face, just a look of deep concern. “Yeah, it’s me. Are you all right? The computer says you were panicking again.”
Brian’s hands were shaking and he could feel the incessant thump of his heart and the heave of his chest. He slowly sat up and stared about the cavern. He recognised it now. It was filled with beds, some occupied by patients. This was the med centre back at Darren’s base. He clasped his hands about his chest as a chill snuck through his blood. “Cold,” he mumbled.
Nick gently pulled the sheet about Brian’s shoulders. “Your body temperature is below normal. I thought you were going to die when they first brought you in. you were like ice, but you’ll be fine now. It’ll take a while before you return to normal though.”
Brian clasped the ends of the sheet and rocked himself. He remembered screaming, he remembered pain, he remembered his friend… “Tell me it was all a dream,” he begged.
But it was something that Nick could not give him. Sadly his melancholy eyes stared at Brian. “I’m sorry.”
Brian hung his head. Tears burned his eyes. “I-I didn’t really know him either, but there was a connection. We hated each other but… he was my friend.”
Nick placed a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know what happened between you. You said you could communicate with one another through your thoughts at one point?”
Brian nodded. “I could talk to him silently feel his pain and his feelings. it was so strange.”
“I can’t explain it,” Nick replied. “By rights you should be dead. You and Bri should both have died days and days ago. The strain on your minds would have been incredible and you would both have been reduced to psychological wrecks before dying. Yet that didn’t happen. Somehow your minds fused together. When we found the time machine in the Gerai base, we did a few experiments. You can’t go to a time where you already exist, not for long anyway, because it kills both counterparts.”
“Temporal remembrance,” Brian murmured. It had almost killed him on his last trip to the future.
“You remember it,” Nick said. “But this time it didn’t happen.”
Brian’s brow creased in puzzlement. “No,” he said. “I felt terrible in my own time when Bri was watching over B and I and…” he paused. “B!” he gasped. “B, where is he?” His heart was racing again in a second.
“Relax,” Nick soothed. “He’s fine and so is Sammy.” However a strange loom passed over his eyes for the briefest of moments. Brian wasn’t even sure if he had seen it. “They’re both sleeping and they’ll be okay.”
Brian chose to ignore the ominous gleam he had seen in his friend’s eyes. His heart was already too battered and his mind too sad to be able to take anything more. He breathed in relief. “We saved them.” His eyes closed. Bri would have given anything to be here with them now. Throughout the entire mission he had been plagued by pain and hidden guilt about his poor relationship with B.
“You did. Bri died to save them. They meant more than anything to him.”
Brian smiled. “They did. And they mean the same to me.” He fell silent, unable to voice the irony he felt. Bri would have done anything to show B that he cared about him and so he had proved it by saving them at the cost of his own life. Brian looked down at his hand, remembering the hallucination of the cliff. He remembered holding Bri’s hand. It had felt so real… what would have happened if Brian had been able to hold on?
“Brian?” Nick pressed. “What were you saying about the temporal remembrance in your time?” He was staring at him intently.
“My time? Oh yes,” Brian said as he backtracked. “In my time when Bri was there, I felt awful. I guess I kind of already knew but I didn’t want to admit it. It creeped me out. I had headaches that were so painful, just like last time.” He shuddered at the memory of the pain that had threatened to tear his skull apart. “But the strange thing was that it stopped as soon as I arrived here. I know you gave me and Bri something to slow it down, but it never really hurt at all. It was like the temporal remembrance wasn’t there.” He glanced at Nick. “You know why,” he guessed.
Nick nodded and sat down on the edge of Brian’s bed. “I have a theory anyway,” he ventured. “I think something happened when you came forwards to this time. You and Bri arrived together in the same time jump. I think it did something to your minds. I think it fused them together. You became conscious of each other’s thoughts. You were linked. You’re the same person after all.”
Brian churned the information over in his mind. He hadn’t really thought about anything when he’d decided to go with Bri. He’d saw that his older self was about to time jump and he’d wanted to help. So he’d leapt at him. He didn’t remember anything odd about the time travel though. Before it had left him feeling sick and dizzy and that time hadn’t been much different. “I don’t know if you’re right or wrong,” he said. “But something happened. It’s funny, I think I was aware of him the last time I was here. You all thought he was dead and I thought they were just my own dreams and fears, but maybe it was him. We could communicate with one another.”
Nick sighed. “It’s not an experiment that will be repeated. It’s too dangerous. I guess we’ll never know.”
The time machine loomed in Brian’s mind. “Maybe I could go back and change - ”
His friend shook his head. “It was suggested all ready, but what could anybody do? We’d have to go back and try and stop the Gerai from kidnapping B, but that would lead to a paradox. They would have only have tried to get him some other way. The time you were sent here to help us, was a one off. AJ was desperate in that time.” Nick lowered his head. “As much as we all want to, we can’t use time travel to change small things. We have too much lose. We’ve won. The Gerai war is well and truly over.” He stared at Brian’s eyes. “And B and Sammy are safe.”
They didn’t know what would happen if they tried to change the past. Nobody could ever know. Brian knew what Nick had meant. A lot of people had been killed during this fight. Bri wasn’t the only one and Brian wasn’t the only one suffering. Who knows how much worse it could have been? They might find out if they jumped through time again.
“I feel so empty without him,” Brian murmured. “It’s like a part of me has gone.”
“It has.”
And Nick was right again. They had been fused together. Two minds had merged into one and now that was gone.
“I tried to save him,” Brian said softly. “When he was dying, we were both trapped in this hallucination. He was dangling over a cliff on a rope. I as at the top and I was trying to pull him up, but I couldn’t.” He paused, trying to make some sense out of the vision. “My mind didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t try hard enough though. Maybe I could have saved him.” He thumped his hands in frustration. When you looked back upon something, there always seemed to be a hundred other alternatives that you hadn’t considered at the time. Always a better way of achieving something.
“No,” Nick replied instantly.
Brian jerked his head. “What do you mean?” he said, a little too harshly. “I was there, I was holding him!” His voice became sharp and desperate as he remembered his feelings at the time.
Nick hesitated and seemed to be thinking a little too carefully about what he should say. “Sammy sent someone back to pick up Bri’s body. They wanted him to have a funeral. I saw the wounds on his body, Brian, and you couldn’t have saved him. As it was you held him for just long enough.”
What did Nick know about it? If he had been the one on that cliff he would have felt differently. Bri’s injuries didn’t matter. Brian could have held onto his mind until they saved him. “Long enough to do what?”
“To say goodbye.”
Brian closed his eyes, remembering B. He’d been so brave and it had been their last chance for reconciliation. He covered his face. The tears were forming again.
“You did everything you could,” Nick said as he placed an arm about Brian’s shoulders. “Don’t eat yourself up about it, please. We always think about the what ifs, but you couldn’t have done anything more than what you did.”
Brian shook his head. “How do you know that?”
Nick smiled for the first time since Brian had awoken. “Because I know you and I know that you would have done everything you could to save him. If you could have done more than you would have.”
Brian felt his own lips curving. He wiped at his eyes for a moment. “When did you get so damn wise?” he said.
Nick shrugged. “I guess I grew up… a lot. I had a lot of help from you and the others though didn’t I?”
The war as well would have, no doubt, had a strong effect upon him. Life would seem so much less humorous and fun with death surrounding you like an everlasting sea of dread.
Brian stared about the med centre. A few other patients were sleeping and some more doctors were checking up on them. He sighed, knowing that they would all be ecstatic about the fall of this last base. No more biological threat. Nothing to scar the future ahead.
He wanted to talk to Nick. He wanted to spill out everything he felt, but he knew the blond could not reason Brian out of his fears. He had seen his own death. He had seen everything and he would have to repeat it years from now. Had Bri known what would happen to him? He’d said that he didn’t remember this happening. That was strange… Time seemed to be full of contradictions. It never made any sense.
He turned back to Nick and then frowned. “You were in Josphin’s village,” he said suddenly as he remembered. “You were hurt!”
“I got better,” Nick replied simply. “I just needed rest and as soon as I was okay I headed back home. I was going to come after you, but I was too far behind. I only got back two days ago actually. Everyone was so worried about you though. I thought Darren was going to break down. He was terrified about you.”
Brian felt a little guilty this war had meant everything to Darren. He’d spent years working towards the end of the Gerai and Brian had helped them so much. If he had have been killed, then time would have unravelled and everything would have changed. Darren could have lost everything. Brian could never have stayed here though. It seemed as if he was destined to go with Bri. Everything that had happened had forced the tow closer together. Maybe fate did exist.
“He’ll be mad at me won’t he?” Brian guessed. Darren was know to have a temper on him, especially when anything threatened his chance to win the war.
“I don’t think so,” Nick replied. “He was furious when he found Bri had taken you with him, but I think he trusted Bri to bring you home, even if you did try and kill one another once.”
Brian laughed, but I was rather subdued and sad. He remembered the hatred. It all seemed so far away from what he was feeling now.
“He’s just pleased you came back, but he’s upset about Bri. A lot of people were. You see, even before we thought you’d died the first time round, you and he were good friends.”
It seemed as if Brian’s life was completely mapped out before him and completely unchangeable. Was everything truly writ so deeply in the gravestone?
“You must still be tired,” Nick guessed. “You’ll need a lot of rest and things need to sink in. you were in sock after Bri died. It’s amazing your mind didn’t give up completely. From everything everybody’s said about you two, you seemed to be completely melded together.”
Brian thought about confessing to Nick the fact that he had almost fallen with Bri. He had wanted to. He hadn’t want to let him go. B had somehow caught him before he did. Without him and Sammy, he might have given in. He wouldn’t tell Nick though. He wouldn’t tell anybody. It frightened him. How would Ba nd Sammy felt if they had lost both of them? They wouldn’t have felt anything though because there lives would have died along with Brian’s. they would have been completely erased from history.
“You okay?” Nick asked.
Brian forced himself to smile, hoping it did not appear as grim as it felt. “Yes,” he lied. “Just…” He found he couldn’t express even one part of the feelings he felt.
Nick gently rubbed his arm. “You’ll get better.”
Brian wasn’t so sure. He would never forget Bri or the loneliness that had overcome him now. After he returned home, which he knew he would inevitably do, he would be separated from these people for years. He had Nick back home but he was very different. In years though he would see them all again, Darren, Sammy, B… everybody. Bri though was somebody he would never meet again. Even if Brian believed in an after life it wouldn’t matter. Bri was gone. Instead Brian would become him but he could never imagine that… and it wouldn’t be the same.
“How am I going to cope when I get back? I’ve got no one to speak to about this. I’ll have to keep it all bottled up,” Brian said agonisingly. Everything would have to be forced inside of him and he knew that he would never cope without screaming.
Nick paused for a moment. “Do you want to know when I think I changed?” he said suddenly. “One day I found this kid in an alley. I helped him and then he disappeared looking for his father. I was furious when I realised my friend knew him.” Nick looked at Brian knowingly.
Brian gasped. His mouth fell open. “How could you remember that? How?” Brian’s head spun and for a moment he felt like he might faint as he tried to answer the incomprehensible questions that swarmed about his mind. “Bri didn’t remember any of this. He didn’t remember ever doing the things I did. It doesn’t make sense. You can’t remember.”
“But I think I do. I remember. I remember what you told me then as well.”
“I told you?” Brian asked incredulously. He shook his head. “This isn’t possible. What about Bri?”
“I don’t know,” Nick said. “All I know is what I remember. You didn’t tell me much at all. I don’t know why I remember something that Bri didn’t. Nobody knows how time works. What happens to people’s lives if you change time? They’re questions that we can’t answer. I remember AJ babbling on about alternate universes once and we swap over during time travel so memories can become distorted by event that may or may not happen. I didn’t follow any of it.”
Brian held his head in his hands. “I-I…” he trailed off, unable to understand anything. He had never realised how limited his mind was until now. To think that there were scientists in his own time researching this kind of thing! There was so much in the world Brian could never hope to understand. For once he began to wonder what it felt like to be a scientist and to understand.
“Do you want to know what my policy on time travel is?” Nick offered. “I ignore it. Time changes. It’s erratic. It never stays in one place. You think you know what’s going to happen and then it changes. What you told me years and years ago is similar to what happened here, but it’s not identical. Different things happened to you. For a start, you never met your future self. What does that tell you about time? Bri didn’t remember any of this because I once asked him about it.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“No,” Nick agreed, “but it’s comforting. Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expect them to.”
“I wish I could believe you.” Brian wished that there was a way he could avoid all of this or at least understand it.
“Nothing is written permanently. Time is always changing. Nothing is ever fixed. I learnt that when things didn’t play out how I expected them to. It was a huge shock to realise Bri was alive in this time. I never knew that at all. Time’s not as fixed as you think.”
Brian smiled. “Maybe I’ll try and remember that.”
Nick patted his shoulder. “That’s probably given you a headache, but I was hoping you’d feel better and understand a bit. You should rest now. I’m going to try and find Sammy for you. He was awake earlier and here but I think he’s with B now. I’ll make sure he’s here next time you’re awake.”
“Thanks,” Brian whispered. “He’s all right?” His leg had looked terribly painful before.
“Very shaken and upset, but he’s all right. They’ve been through a lot, an awful lot. It’ll take a while to recover.”
Questions were beginning to dance about Brian’s head again. “What happened to them?” he whispered. “I don’t know anything.”
Brian knew something was wrong from Nick’s silence. He sat up again. Nick tried to smile but it didn’t look reassuring. “They’ll be fine. It’ll take a while for B to recover. He was hit by the virus, but he did recover.”
Brian’s eyes closed as everything swirled back to him. Bri’s fears had been justified. “Memory loss.” His mouth was dry.
Nick nodded. “He’ll be fine. They were only repressed and the doctors and I can help him. Don’t worry. You’ll see them both tomorrow. Just sleep for now.”
Nick didn’t seem too worried, but Brian knew at once that they would have been through a lot. His presence might also be a little unsettling for them, he thought sadly. Maybe he could help them both though. He could help them clear up the fragments. He remembered what Bri had told him. He’d said that B would need him.
He lie back down and remembered his final conversation with Bri. Bri had been determined not to let Brian fall. He’d said B would need him. They would need him and he’d need them to help him recover. They could start tomorrow. He was suddenly very thankful that Bri hadn’t let him fall. His thoughts had been filled with Bri before, but now he was thinking about B and Sammy and how much he was glad he was still with them.
*************************************
“Nick?”
“Sammy? Hey, I didn’t notice you were down here,” Nick replied.
Sammy was leaning against the doorway. He felt very tired and he knew that he should be resting, but he couldn’t help watching over both B and Brian. They both needed him now. He had seen how terrible everything had affected them on the hill when they’d both collapsed in fits.
“Brian’s just gone back to sleep. I would have called you down, but I thought you were resting,” Nick said as he crossed over to a medical closet to retrieve some supplies.
“I was,” Sammy said. He kept waking up every few minutes though. His mind was constantly thinking of his family and he could only sleep for an hour at a time before he was waking up, wondering how the both were. “But it’s difficult to sleep. How is he? What happened to him before?”
“He’s all right, but he’s in shock. Somehow when he came through time with Bri, their minds fused together. They’ve been psychologically and telepathically connected since they got here and it was a shock when that connection was severed. I spoke to him though and he’s better than I could have hoped for. He’s a strong man.”
Sammy folded his arms. “And you think B isn’t strong?” he challenged. B had woken up just after they arrived at the base and ever since then Nick had kept him sedated, refusing to let him awaken just yet.
Nick sighed. “You saw what B was like, Sammy. He wouldn’t stop screaming and he wasn’t happy at being in the med centre. He associated it with the time at the base. I’ve given him some medication that should aid the memory re-healing and help him to rest. He’s been through a lot. I know you want him to wake up, but I want to leave it for a little while longer.”
Sammy hung his head. He wanted to scream and cover his ears so that he didn’t hear Nick’s words. He knew what they thought of B now. Everybody knew what had happened to Kevin and people were scared in case B lost again. He’d destroyed half of the med centre when he’d woken up. He had clearly demonstrated his unique mind abilities by using them to throw a table across the room and almost crushing a doctor.
“He will get better won’t he?” Sammy asked pleadingly.
“I hope so. Most of the problems in his head are caused by chemical reactions and instabilities with them. The medication is taking them back to normal. When that happens, I’ll wake him for you. He should feel a bit calmer. I’ll also move him straight back to his own room. Any place like the med centre will only frighten him again.”
“He thinks he’s back in a lab,” Sammy said. “Good idea. How long will it be?”
“I’m not sure,” Nick confessed. “Another two or three days. I promise it will happen soon. Sleep will help him though. He’s been through a lot, you all have.”
Sammy nodded, unable to hide a yawn. He rubbed his sore eyes, red after lack of sleep.
“Get back to bed,” Nick ordered. “You need it.”
“I will,” Sammy promised. “But I want to sit with my dad first. It’s… comforting having him here, although it is a little strange. I’ve just lost him and yet he’s still here.” He glanced in Brian’s direction. “I’m so glad he’s here though and that he was there to help us.”
“I’ll let you stay for a while,” Nick said with a smile. “But then you have to sleep. You had a lot of physical injuries.” Nick pursed his lips slightly.
Sammy tilted his head. “What’s up?” he asked.
“You never told me where they came from. Were they all from the Gerai?”
Sammy saw the dark suspicion in Nick’s eyes. He avoided gulping or moving at all. He had a terrible feeling he knew what Nick was trying to get him to admit. “Yes,” he answered firmly.
“And what about Bri’s? I know he was attacked before the laser hit him. I could tell when I examined him. Somebody hurt him pretty bad. Who was it?”
Sammy knew he was beginning to tremble. “A Gerai,” he whispered. “It must have been.”
Nick closed his eyes and Sammy saw the smile that appeared on his face as Sammy refused to confirm his suspicions. Sammy would never tell anybody what had really happened. Nick believed him and that was enough. The older blond was silent for a long time as he found an electronic notepad from a drawer. “Sammy, I have to tell you something about Bri. As a doctor, I’m not allowed to keep it from you. Even if that laser had not hit Bri, he still would have died. His injuries from the attack were too great and they would have killed him. He only hung on for as long as he did because his younger self,” he said nodding in Brian’s direction, “hung onto him and kept him alive. Those injuries would have killed them though. Even if we had gotten to him, there was nothing we could have done.”
Sammy almost choked, but he kept his face calm. “Why are you telling me?”
“Because it wasn’t your fault. I know you very well and I know you feel guilty because that laser shot was meant for you and B. You told me he died for you, but you can’t blame yourself. I don’t want you feeling guilty at all.”
Sammy smiled. “I know it wasn’t mine or B’s fault.”
Nick shook his head sadly. “No, it was that Gerai that attacked him.”
“I understand.” Sammy was burning inside. He was cold and hot all at once. He wanted to scream, to break down and cry like he hadn’t done in so long. He had to stay quiet and calm in front of Nick though.
“Sammy?” Nick asked quietly.
Sammy turned back towards him and realised that Nick was now standing right in front of him. Sammy tired not to look at his friend but the tears were still coming. He was falling apart so easily.
He fell into Nick’s arms and Nick returned the embrace. He felt his tears falling and his chest heaving as he wept. Nick rubbed his back soothingly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Sammy pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I’ll be all right,” he whispered. “Will you do something for me though?”
“Anything I can do to help.”
“Don’t tell B. Don’t ever, ever tell B. As far as everyone else but you and me is concerned, Bri died of the laser. Okay?” His voice was begging.
Nick’s face had turned pale. “O-okay.” He turned and leaned down upon the desk for a moment for support. “I knew it,” he breathed.
Sammy placed a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t tell him. I don’t want him to ever know. It would kill him. We can’t ever tell B.”