CHAPTER FORTY SIX - MAKE UP
He was awake again, awake in a cold world. He had never been aware before how cold and lonely it was until he’d had a psychological companion. Had everything felt this way before? It was difficult to imagine how he’d lived in such a harsh environment.
“It’s the withdrawal symptoms,” Nick had said when Brian had explained his feelings. “You’ll get better soon.”
They all said that, but it was taking too long. His insides felt raw, as if somebody had reached out and torn something away from him.
He wasn’t in the med center though, which was one good thing. Nick had given permission for Brian to be moved into one of the guest rooms in the base. Brian thought would have preferred this, but it turned out that he didn’t. The room was cramped and the walls seemed to close in more and more with each passing hour. Since when had he been claustrophobic? He’d thought that had been Bri. His mind still seemed to be confused by the memory of his twin.
He shivered and pulled the duvet about him, determined to ignore the walls and his irrational fear. At least in this room it was quiet without the constant concern of everybody else. It was soothing to know that they cared about him, but sometimes the sympathy of others only made you feel worse.
“Dad?”
Brian’s eyes flickered and he sat up at the sound of the voice. Sammy was standing in the door way that Brian had left open to try and alleviate his phobia. Sammy was one of the few people who he didn’t mind fussing over him.
“Hey Sammy,” he greeted.
Sammy frowned slightly. “You look pale.”
“Uh, yeah.” Brian rubbed at his face and tried to smile. “Just tired.”
He could tell that Sammy wasn’t convinced by the way his blue eyes stared at him. He had a way of being able to see straight through Brian’s false expressions. He chose to ignore it though it seemed as he shrugged and sat down beside him. “How you feeling?”
Everybody always asked this question and Brian never knew how to answer it. “I don’t know,” he confessed. “I should be happy. I set out to help you and B, and I did.” He shook his head. The pain seemed to outweigh the relief and he felt sickly guilty for it.
“It’s understandable. You saw yourself die! I think I’d be a wreck after seeing that myself! It was disorientating enough seeing you two together. I can’t imagine how it would be if it was myself that was doubled.”
“It’s different to that as well,” Brian argued. “I mean, I guess a part of me is suffering because of that, but mostly I’m sad because I lost a friend. A friend who meant the same as you and B.”
Sammy smiled. “Ironic,” he said. “Nick told me what happened when you both first arrived!”
Brian couldn’t smile with him. The thought of hurting Bri now made him feel sick and something clenched at his stomach. What would have happened if he had done some serious damage to Bri in that fight? His mind would no longer even let him think about it much anymore. “Strange isn’t it?” he murmured.
The blond gently placed a hand on his arm. “I know it’s hard and I know none of us can imagine what it feels like. Nick seems to think you’ll feel normal in a few days. Your mind might even start repressing memories of Bri. You two were never supposed to be in the same time together. You were never supposed to connect how you did.”
His entire relationship with Bri had been based on something that was never meant to be…
“I’ll never see him again either,” Brian said sadly. Even when a person died you could hope for an afterlife where you would be reunited. Brian believed in that firmly, but with Bri it wasn’t possible. “It didn’t feel like me!” He gripped the bed covers tightly in frustration.
“One day you might realize it was you. You’ll become him and you’ll see him when you’re older and you look in the mirror.”
That would seem even more deserting than ever. It wouldn’t be the same. It would never be the same. He’d have to get used to it though.
Brian’s mind suddenly backtracked slightly. “Repressing memories?” he repeated.
Sammy slowly nodded. “You might begin to forget.”
“I don’t want to.” Brian shook his head. He’d learnt a lot from his grumpier self and learnt to appreciate him. He couldn’t forget. “I’ll try not to.”
A sad smile flittered across Sammy’s face. “Let’s hope then,” he whispered.
Brian wrapped his arms about his knees. “How’s B?” he asked. “I’ve only seen him a few times and he’s been asleep every single time.”
Sammy nodded. “They’re still keeping him sedated.”
B’s face looked so pale while he was asleep. Brian had asked if anything serious was wrong and they kept saying ‘no’ but why wouldn’t they let him wake up? Brian remembered an aged grandparent looking as pale when they died. “Why?” he asked.
Sammy sighed and his eyes moved away from Brian’s. “I - ”
“Sammy, what’s going on? No one will tell me anything about what happened to B. I want to know. Don’t I have a right to know? I’m worried about him.” His hands had turned suddenly clammy and his heart was beating that little bit quicker.
“All right,” Sammy said in defeat. “I just didn’t want to tell you until I knew you were a bit better, that’s all.”
“Well, I am better now.” Brian’s voice was a little too sharp but concern for B had suddenly taken control.
“He went through a lot in that base. He was infected with the virus, as you already know. Luckily there was a cure in his bloodstream that worked and it was neutralized, but B began to lose his memories.”
Brian had known all this. He’d figured most out for himself and gained hints from various others. But B must have remembered. He’d recognized them in the base…
“He became confused he was with the Gerai and they were manipulating him to turn him against us. He didn’t know who to believe. At one point he even attacked us and…” Sammy paused.
“What?” Brian asked his mouth dry.
“He killed Kevin.”
“What?” Paul had told Brian about his cousin, but he had never known how he died. “How could he - ”
Sammy’s eyes had begun to grow wide and damp. “He didn’t know what he was doing! He was frightened, confused… He didn’t know who to trust. Luckily I found him again and I made him understand who was with him and who was against him. His memories were beginning to return and he was starting to realize who I was.”
Brian knew he had turned pale and cold. Now he fully understood B’s strange behavior when they had escaped. He had seemed detached and fragile. Now he knew why. Someone had been mentally torturing him. “Oh God…”
Tears had spilled onto Sammy’s face now. “He was in such a state. He passed out just after you did and Nick decided to keep him sedated. He’s given him some medication to help return his memory. We did wake B up once but he was terrified. The Gerai had kept him in a lab and he associated the med center with that.”
Brian’s eyes closed. B’s worst nightmares had always been linked to his childhood when he had been one of the Gerai’s experiments. He still remembered it. Now he had been forced to relive it.
“The stuff Nick has given him should help to calm him down, but he wanted to keep him asleep for the next few days. They didn’t want him to flip and attack anybody else.” Sammy’s voice was barely audible anymore.
Brian reached out and wrapped his arms about Sammy. Sammy had always tried so hard to take care of his brother and he would see this as a failure on his behalf. He was the one who had raised B and to realize what state he was in would have been terrible. “What’s the prognosis?” Brian asked.
Wiping his eyes, Sammy smiled a little. “Nick and the other doctors think he’ll be okay, but he’ll probably need some kind of counseling. They attributed his violence and anger to an imbalance of chemicals in his bloodstream. The medication is restoring them and when they’re down to a more normal level they’ll wake him up. We’ll know for certain how B is when he wakes up. It’s hard to judge the trauma though.”
Brian had to swallow hard to prevent himself from crying. B had always been vulnerable and he’d have done anything to prevent him from experiencing what he did. B didn’t deserve it. He was just an ordinary kid who’d never had a chance even to grow up. Now the Gerai were gone but there was no telling what effect they would leave upon his youngest son.
Sammy rubbed at his eyes and sniffed. “Nick thinks he’ll be ready to wake B up tomorrow. Did you want to be there?”
Numbly Brian nodded. “Yes please. Unless you think it’s better if you’re alone with him and - ”
“No,” Sammy replied firmly. “I’d like you to be there with me.” He smiled weakly. “You have no idea how much I love having you with me. I know my dad from my time has gone, but it’s nice to have you here to help me through it.”
Brian smiled and then embraced Sammy again. He felt his own tears leaking away from his eyes. “I’ll be here as long as you need me,” he promised. “I can’t go home in this state anyway.”
“Thank you.”
Sammy held him a little tighter. He pulled away, but there was a smile on his face. For a moment Brian’s heart seemed to be filled with painful throbs as he wondered how Sammy would have coped if he weren’t here.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Sammy said. “Darren wanted to see you and see how you were getting on. Don’t worry, he’s not mad at you,” Sammy said as he caught the look that passed over Brian’s face.
Brian was never sure what to make of Darren. In many ways he was a great man. He had done well to lead the resistance but Brian had been in a few clashes with him before. However Darren had also shown that he cared immensely for Brian and his little family.
“I’ll go see him now,” Brian said. “Get it over and done with before I forget.”
Sammy pressed a hand upon his shoulder. “Stay here and rest. He’ll come to you. I can tell him you’re awake.”
Brian shook his head. “No, I think I need a walk. I’ve been cooped up for hours.” The room made him nervous. Being underground was also a little fearful but it would be good to walk and stretch his limbs. He smiled at Sammy. “I’ll be all right. What about you? Do you want to wait here or see B?”
Sammy looked suddenly nervous. “I just came from sitting with B. I think I’ll go. I have… things to do. I’ll be back to see you later though.”
A frown was pulling at Brian’s face and he stared quizzically at his son. Although his eyes were drying and he looked healthier than before, Sammy looked nervous and agitated. He noticed Brian staring at him and waved his hand as if to push away the concern. “I’ll tell you later. I just need to talk to someone that’s all.”
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No matter what he told himself, Sammy couldn’t easily wave his own feelings aside. Brian had known something was wrong but Sammy didn’t want to talk about it until it was all over. This was something that a dad couldn’t help with. Sammy was way old enough to cope with this situation by himself.
He’d left Brian in the corridor with instructions on how to get to Darren’s office. At least his father looked much better than before. His screams on the hillside after they’d left the base had torn into Sammy’s chest to stab at him with ice. It was good to see him recovering. Nick had been worried that the severing of the link would be too much for him. There had even been talk of using the time machine to try and alter things even though Darren had vowed never to do that again. Time travel seemed to only cause mess and once they started changing things, they wouldn’t know where to stop. It was upsetting in a way because maybe the machine could have saved Bri. They could go back and help, but what then? Every person who’d ever lost a loved one would want to go back and change events. It would never work. It wasn’t fair for one individual to change their fate when everybody else had to follow time’s chosen path.
Sammy’s feet were slow and heavy as he headed down the long corridor. Dozens of doors led off from the sides, leading into the various rooms that people lived in. He knew this corridor well and he knew exactly where to stop. It was his old room, though ever since he had returned he had slept in a spare one.
He stood in front of the door staring up at it. Slowly he extended his hand and pressed the panel which served a door chimer.
There was a moment’s pause and Sammy found himself cowardly wishing that she wasn’t in, but it was only for a second.
“Come in,” a soft voice called.
The moment he stepped through the doorway he was confronted with Lori’s face. Her eyes widened to see him and she immediately pushed away the book she had been reading. Everything Sammy had wanted to say to his fiancée seemed to be blown away by nature’s wind and he was left defenseless in her face. She was prettier than he had noticed recently. He had hardly noticed her at all with all the worry that had piled upon him over the past weeks.
“Sammy,” she said. “I-I wasn’t expecting you. I wanted to see you but…”
But he had refused, even feigned sleep. He hadn’t been ready to face her with the knowledge of what he had done to escape the base. He found himself suddenly comparing Heather with Lori. Heather was sexy, gorgeous, but Lori was… Lori.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’d been through so much and-and…” He couldn’t speak. He had done her wrong and he had made it all worse by not wanting to see her. “I’m sorry,” he said again.
Lori lowered her eyes. “I should apologize as well, for the argument we had. I’m sorry I was selfish. You have to look after B.”
Sammy seated himself beside her, but not close enough to touch her. “I know I’d been ignoring you lately. I had a lot on and I am truly sorry for the way things have turned out.”
“I’m sorry as well.” She still wasn’t looking at him.
Sammy had prepared everything in advance. Every comment had been planned and every response been anticipated, but he was lost now. All that knowledge was gone. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted. In the Gerai base he had been pondering over what he felt for Lori but the second they had left that hideous place and arrived in open air, he had thought of her. Now he didn’t know anything anymore.
The silence was filling the room and Sammy wanted to cry again. He couldn’t cope with any of this right now. He wanted to sort things out but he didn’t know where to start anymore. There had to be a compromise somewhere with Lori and B. He had to be able to balance them.
Lori suddenly held out her hand towards him, still not looking at his face. “Sammy.”
Shyly Sammy reached out with his own hand until it was clasped with hers. For the first time her eyes met his own and she smiled. “I was worried about you,” she said softly.
“I’m all right,” he murmured. “Lori, things are going to be difficult. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know if this can work.” He knew what he wanted now, but he knew he didn’t deserve it after the way he had acted.
Lori was leaning closer to him. “We can try.”