CHAPTER FIFTY - A DARK SECRET
It had been good to escape the med centre. B couldn’t say what it was about the place but it always seemed to make him nervous. He knew Nick, Rob and the others would never hurt him but there was something creeping across the back of his mind permanently whenever he was awake there. At last though he had been permitted to leave and return to his own room. He preferred it here away from the others. He didn’t like the way some of them stared at him. They all knew about his ‘abilities’ that B was trying to ignore. They seemed to be fading. Every time b did try and do something now it was proving to be much harder.
It wasn’t so much that which bothered him however. There were nightmares dancing around his head, cascading before his eyes. He saw them constantly.
He glanced up at Sammy on the bed opposite him. He had agreed to keep him company and to keep an eye on him for the doctors. It was pleasant to have his company and whenever he wasn’t around there was always Brian. For now it was just the two brothers though.
“Sammy?” B asked tentatively. “Can I ask you something?” He was almost afraid to ask but he couldn’t control the question anymore. He had to know…
“Fire away,” Sammy replied easily. He stopped flicking through the old photograph album and turned to face him.
It was difficult to say and he was frightened of what his brother might think of him. What if it was true? What if it wasn’t? He fidgeted with his hands and took a deep breath. “I had this dream about me hurting dad. I-I’m afraid in case it was a memory.”
Sammy faltered and knocked his drink to the floor. He swore as he reached for a towel to mop up the mess and began to pick out the shattered pieces of glass. B could only imagine what he was thinking. It was a horrible thing to suggest. He could hardly believe it but it had been nibbling at his mind for too long to ignore. There was something not right.
“Where on earth did you get an idea like that?” Sammy asked, looking back up at him.
“Because it felt real.” Unlike a dream it had not dissolved upon his awakening. He could remember everything, right down to the little details such as the smell of the place.
His brother sighed. “You’ve been through a lot, B. Your mind is all over the place and you’re bound to be confused. Of course you never hurt dad.”
B stared at his brother’s blue eyes, trying to read through them. He could always read what Sammy was thinking but this time it felt like he was a closed door. “Are you sure?”
“How could you? I admit that the Gerai did try to make you hate him. they wanted you on their side, but things didn’t turn out as they planned. You were so confused you didn’t know who to believe. You did run into dad in the base but you never hurt him. You were sacred of what was happening around you and ran off.”
He mused over this for a while. It was strange to thin that there was a hidden part of his life that he did not remember very well. His mind was reeling as well at the revelation and his stomach was turning over and over. It was sickening to imagine hating Brian. There was still something bothering him though. He couldn’t understand it at all, but he was still suspicious. Something inside felt wrong. He wanted to scream or tear himself apart and he did not know why. He was even afraid to tell Sammy the true extent of his feelings in case he worried his brother. “How do you know I ran into him? I could have done something that he didn’t tell you about.” He continued to watch his brother’s eyes, they betrayed nothing as he Sammy laughed.
The blond reached out a hand and ran it through B’s hair. “Because he told me afterwards and there wasn’t a scratch on him. If you did try anything, then you didn’t hurt him that bad at all. He was fine. He was just concerned about you running off. We split up to go and find you. You’re too weak and puny to do anything that bad to him!”
B smiled and laughed as well. Everything clicked nicely in his mind. Maybe he had tried to hurt him, but Bri had stopped him and then B had run off. Yes, that made sense. His father was bigger and more muscular than he was. He was bound to be able to fend him off if he’d decided to attack. He grinned. The strange feelings were blown away on waves of laughter and understanding. “I guess so. Sorry, I’m being stupid.”
“Don’t worry about it. If you have any other dreams you’re confused or worried about, just tell me and I’ll try and help you to understand them as much as I can.” Sammy was smiling supportively.
The smile faded from B’s face. “What about Kevin? I know I attacked him. I hear people talking.” He could remember seeing Kevin’s face above him and he could remember doing something to him.
His brother looked sad and suddenly tired. He slid his hand over to B’s shoulder. “You two did get into a fight, but it wasn’t your fault. Kev was weak and he’d been hurt when we’d taken over part of the base. He had internal bleeding and there was nothing we could have done for him. You two then got into a fight and you did hurt him with a knife, but it wasn’t your fault B. The Gerai had brainwashed you into thinking we were the enemy, but you were frightened when Kevin said he knew you. You two started to fight. It wouldn’t have mattered if you hadn’t have attacked him, he was still going to die.”
B listened, his stomach feeling cold and empty. He buried his head in his hands. He’d remembered the incident with Kevin. He’d seen it in the others’ eyes as well. The details were not clear but he knew he had killed him. A gasp issued from his lips and a sob filled his mouth, making him feel as if he was going to be sick.
He couldn’t see Sammy’s face anymore, but he heard his voice and the comfort and sorrow it held. “I’m sorry. I can’t lie to you about Kevin. Everybody else knows and it would be unfair to not tell you. It wasn’t your fault though.”
“Yes it was!” B pushed Sammy’s hand away. “I stabbed him! I killed him!” He had only suspected things before, but now he knew them. He had known the truth about Kevin. He had remembered as something much more vivid than a dream. With Bri, it had felt real but the memory was more clouded. It was like a crystal for the incident in the workroom. He remembered Kevin so clearly. He couldn’t recall how he’d ended up in the fight or what had happened afterwards, but he remembered the moment of killing.
Sammy grabbed his wrists and B cried out faintly as he felt them gripping him hard and painfully. “Listen!” Sammy cried desperately, tears streaming from his eyes. “The Gerai tricked you! They made you think that we were the enemy. They knew you were losing your memories and they tried to make you think that your family and friends had abandoned you! You were confused and you were ill. How were you to know or understand what you were doing? I saw you, you were so frightened.”
B shook his head and then pulled his wrists away as Sammy released him. How could he have been confused enough to attack Kevin? He didn’t remember the reason behind his assault or how he had felt. “I-I don’t know how to cope,” he whispered. His body was trembling. Was he really capable of such action?
“The Gerai made you. They’re bastards and they made you. They hate me and dad for what we’ve done to protect you. They wanted revenge on us and they were planning to use you against us. It would be the ultimate revenge. With Kevin though you suddenly realised and we were able to reach you after that. Things started to come back.”
“I always gave Kevin such a tough time,” B murmured. “I went out of my way to piss him off sometimes, but he did so much for me.” Everything was hurting and his chest ached. He covered his burning eyes with his hands. His mind whirled through a thousand others nightmares. How many others were true?
There were arms around him and B leaned into them as Sammy patted his hair. “It’s going to be all right,” he said. “You’ll see. Accidents and things like this happen. You think I don’t know the reason dad wasn’t with us before was because he died saving me? You learn to accept.”
B turned his head. He could see the walls of his room and the pictures he had hung there when they first returned in order to try and convince himself that this wasn’t a prison. There were several photographs of his family pinned up as well. He turned his eyes to look at Sammy but his brother had his eyes closed. Gently B wrapped his arms about him. Gratefully Sammy pulled him closer.
“It’ll be okay,” the blonde promised.
“I know.”
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Brian had come to see them, but now he was reluctant to intrude. He peered through the open door and saw B and Sammy in a brotherly embrace. He smiled. Sammy had been worried that things would be different between them after every terror they had faced but this image proved him wrong. B would never push Sammy away. They shared something Brian could only imagine. As he turned away he thought back to his own brother and a sad smile played across his face. His parents and older brother were dead in this time, killed in the vicious Gerai terror attacks that had struck the country. There had to be a special bond that developed between siblings when your parents were gone. There was nothing to depend upon except each other. Sammy had never really had anybody else apart from Brian as well. That was the reason he was so protective of B. He’d been neglected and he had made sure that B wasn’t.
Slowly he walked away down the corridor. He’d come back later to see them. It was enough for now to know that they were all right. The two of them would want some time by themselves in the meantime. Vacantly Brian stared at the space before him. he would never know nor understand what they had seen in that base. It was something he’d had no part in.
There was another growing thought pushing at his mind as well. The days in the base were passing quickly. He had already been here in this time for weeks and with each day he spent here he knew it was going to be harder to adjust to living back in his own time. He had already seen things that he shouldn’t have and he was becoming too used to this place. He didn’t want to feel like an alien back home.
His feet led him to a stop and he leaned against the craggy wall and felt a breath fill his lungs. The mission was over. B and Sammy were safe. The Gerai were gone. There was a future for his family. Research was already being done into B’s operation for removing the computer chip. Everything was over.
And yet Brian was still here and he wasn’t eager to leave again. He remembered the last time too vividly. Every night since then he’d thought of what he was going to miss. Now he would be thinking of what was to come. He’d seen his own death and he’d spend the rest of his days wondering if it was going to come true/ would time change as Nick and Darren said it did? Or would he be forced to live this through again?
“Bri,” Brian whispered. “What’s going to happen to me?” Was there such a thing as parallel universes?
He stayed motionless for a few minutes, throwing ideas around his mind. He couldn’t possibly know what would happen in the future. Maybe it would all work out. Maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe time would repeat itself. Either way, he had to live and while he lived, he could hope. There was no guarantee about what the future held. He smiled. He could cling to that hope.
Staring up at the ceiling, he made his decision.
Darren wasn’t in his office when Brian went looking for him. Instead he finally found the older man in his own room. The resistance leader smiled and welcomed him so Brian told him what he was going to do.
“You’re going home?” Darren repeated softly.
Brian hesitated a moment and then nodded determinedly. “I have to. I’ve been here long enough as it is and I’m beginning to forget how to live in my own time.” He sighed and chewed his lip for a moment as he thought about what to say. “I’ve done a lot of thinking recently. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. You told me about parallel universes and maybe I even have the power to change my own future. I don’t know what’s going to come at me and I’m going to think like that instead of expecting the future I’ve seen here.” This would be the only way he could live. It had been bad enough living before and knowing that he was going to die, but actually witnessing it drove the stake straight into his soul to chill him through.
“You’re right,” Darren admitted. “And I think you have been here too long. A lot of us were getting used to having you around, forgetting that we’d lost Bri.”
There was still the rising of a lump in Brian’s throat at the words. He found his fingers tensing slightly. He said nothing.
“The longer you stay, the harder it will be, for everyone,” Darren finished.
“I know,” Brian said. There was a heaviness setting upon his chest as his decision began to surround him. He was going to leave B and Sammy again. Already the thoughts of their stricken faces were assaulting him and piercing his eyes with tears. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell them,” he blurted. Suddenly he was not at all as confident as he had been a few moments before. Everything he had thought about was crashing around to encage him, forcing him to look at his own decisions closer than he had wanted to.
Darren crossed to him and stood before him. “They’ll understand. They’ll be upset, but they’ll understand what you have to do. You can’t stay here. No matter how much you’d want to, you can’t. Even with the time machine we can’t keep bringing you here. You’d only be leading a double life.”
For a brief moment the time machine hung above him like a child staring up at a shiny bauble, so tempting… He could never take it though. It must always just hang there. It was hard enough to lead a life with the memories of the future. He had to hide everything from his family and friends. To hide even more secrets could lead to complete alienation from them.
He sagged but tried to raise his head again to hold back grief. Sometimes everything seemed easy and simple in your mind, but when you came to do it, it was always a thousand times worse. He rubbed his eyes and stared at Darren. “I’ve got to go home,” he said.
Darren nodded. “I think you have, and soon as well. B and Sammy are getting too used to having you around. They’ve got to understand that you’re not Bri, not yet anyway.”
People had not even seemed to grieve much over Bri. It was easy when Brian was here because they thought they were the same. They didn’t understand that Brian didn’t see it that way. Bri had been and always would be, in Brian’s mind, his friend. “Do you think all this is going to repeat itself?” Brian asked suddenly. He couldn’t make his mind up. He was afraid that if he hoped it would be different then he would find himself running down the same path unable to stop.
The older man shrugged. “I can’t answer that. There’s too many variables. We used to think time followed a certain path but events here have changed that. Bri didn’t remember anything about what you did.”
But Nick did. Brian remembered Nick’s cryptic conversation. What if Bri had lied about not remembering so that he didn’t worry Brian? That couldn’t be right… he remembered the shock on Bri’s face when Brian had followed him through time. Could it all have been feigned?
Those were questions that would never be answered.
“We just don’t know, Brian,” Darren said. “For all we know, you could change things just by knowing about what’s going to happen.”
The conversation was going in circles. This is what everyone had been telling him. Brian smiled slightly. Maybe he could change things and try and stop B from running away if he made it to this time. Maybe…
“I’ll never know until it hits me,” Brian replied softly.
Darren’s face was soaked with sympathy. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m sorry you saw this place at all. You know everything about what’s going to happen now. You know your life.”
“Don’t be,” Brian said instantly. “I’ve met B and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I appreciate my life back home a lot more. I know it won’t last so I take every advantage to be with my family and to give Sammy all the love he’ll need to get himself and B through this war.”
Darren smiled. “You’ve changed a lot from the man who first came here a year ago to help us win the war. If you keep thinking how you do, then you can get through whatever time throws at you.”
Brian felt his own lips curve upwards. He thought of B and smiled. It was enough to know Sammy and B would be safe now. It was a bittersweet feeling to think of going home now. His uncertain future awaited him, but a future was also there for his family.
“Are you ready to tell them now?” Darren asked.
Brian clasped his hands together calmly. “Yes.”