Master wrote to me this morning to let me know that he will be out of town from this coming Wednesday until the 18th. So i will not see Master for at least two weeks. This will be very hard because so far the longest we've been apart has been 10 days this is going to be 21 days. i guess this will be a test of time and already i miss Him more than i ever thought possible. i am very sad.
Until whenever . . . .
cédant was very sick over the weekend. A very sore throat and a rough cough, cramping and diharea, it wasn't pretty, but things are improving and she is taking 500 mg of an antibiotic daily so that is helping a lot. cédant always has this antibiotic on hand because of a nasty re-occuring infection called cellulitis she gets from time to time. Only then she takes 2000 mg per day. cédant told you it was nasty.
Tomorrow Master is gone until after the 18th, it will seem so lonely without Him but in reality He's always there in His slave's heart and mind. Funny thing this Master in the mind thing. Thursday evening at the resturant there was this waiter that looked so much like Master and then Friday it was store manager. Oh, and there was that hunk crossing the street walking his dog Saturday, and on and on. Oh my, cédant has Master on the mind.
Until tomorrow . . .
So now it officially begins, Master is traveling until the 18th and He commanded cédant to not send any e-mails during this time. That will be difficult because Master's slave writes to Master several times a week, sometimes twice a day. cédant likes to write provocative and sexy letters to Master and He tells cédant that her writings are a turn on. cédant loves to turn Master on, if you know what she means.
After Master gets back, W/we will have one of those Sunday marathons, but with a slight twist. Master's slave asked if she might be allowed to prepare and serve a mid day meal to Master one day. Very much to this slave's great joy, Master has agreed to the meal. cédant just hopes she doesn't blow it and ruin the meal. Everything just has to be perfect. Good thing there is this ''down time'' for research and preparation.
Until tomorrow . . .
Laying next to Master . . .
The first time Master invited His slave to lay next to Him in His bed, cédant trembled with excitement and just a touch of fear. Of course cédant was very excited by this honor, what bitch slave wouldn't be thrilled by such a command. But at the same time, Master's slave feared the unknown and since she had never done this before, she was afraid that she might do it wrong.
O/our relationship is an open and honest one and Master knows everything about His slave. Disclosure is the cornerstone of honesty and telling Master all is one of His hard fast rules. So, even though cédant is not yet 100% female, Master treats her as though she were. And of course, cédant really loves Master for that and does everything she can to be as feminine as possible, including the snuggling in bed. And i tried very hard . . .
Laying next to Master . . .
The warmth of His skin was the first thing cédant noticed. It was warm, but not hot and it melted cédant's heart from the first touch. He was like a magnet and HIs attraction was irresistable and unbreakable. cédant felt as though He would totally absorb her, and that is exactly what she wanted. Then there was the strength of His will to hold His slave close and the power in His arms to make it so. And cédant yielded . . .
Sitting here at the computer writing these words, it's not to hard to just let go and slip into slave space and then the visions from memories come back to life and once again the slave cédant is laying next to Master and she is happy.
Until whenever . . .
Eight more days until Master returns. It's so very lonely without Him near. cédant wants so very much right now to be on her way to be with Master on a Sunday afternoon. Master's slave is so in need of a kiss and a hug from Master, and she is desperately in need of her collar and leash and kneeling at Master's feet. cédant misses her Master so very, very much.
Master has a way of laughing that instantly puts His slave at ease. When Master laughs cédant knows all is right in Master's world and He is happy. cédant remembers how He laughed when she told Him that fast and sexy sports cars reminded her of Him and how that made cédant' motor purr with excitement. Oh my, how he laughed and then looked at cédant with that special smile and then pulled His slave to Him with the leash and then came this wonderful passionate kiss.
cédant misses Master's laugh.
Until tomorrow . . .
Almost time to end the working day and with it comes the passing of one more day until Master's return. cédant will become more and more anxious for His return as the days go by and of course the last day will take forever to get here. But at least Master's slave can keep her focus on master by remembering the things that endear her so much to Master, like His laugh, or the sting of His hand on cédant's bare ass when He spanks cédant for being a naughty slave.
It hurts, lets get that out of the way right now. Master has great power in His arms and the slap of His open palm upon cédant's cheeks brings tears to her eyes and leaves a nice welt in the shape of His hand for hours and a general redness that lasts for a day or two. The perfect reminder for Master's slave of the price of disobedience.
cédant misses Master's spankings.
Until tomorrow . . .
12:30 PM
Usually, a Tuesday would be a day of e-mails to Master in preparation for O/our regular Wednesday evening sessions. His slave would be writing to Master with words of praise and worship. cédant would also be writing about the sexual acts she would do for Master, like sucking His wonderful cock, because she knows how much Master love that sort of thing and how it help put Him in the right frame of mind for using His slave . . .
After reaching Master's floor, i hurry to his door, open it and walk in. Once in side with the door closed i strip naked and then crawl to His feet where i beg Master to let His slave suck His ample cock . . .
I miss sucking Master's cock.
Until tomorrow . . .
12:50 PM
Nearly the end of the week and only a few more days until Master's return. It has been a very long and lonely time for cédant without the presence of Master. i have prayed every day for His safe return and wished with all my heart that the time would fly by. In a way it has and yet it also seemed at times to stand still. A good side to this seperation is that it has made me more aware of my feelings for Master and how much i need to serve Him.
As Master has commanded, i was reading in Master Stern and slave yielding's web page and happened upon another web site of a Master and His slave. It was very interesting reading and in it there was a section on the slave's rules and her core rules really seemed to fit O/our relationship. They are:
Was it the gently yet strong sound of His Voice? Or maybe it was the power and control i felt in His embrace. It could have been the passion of His kiss and the way that first kiss melted my heart or the way His eyes pierced straight through me and layed bare my soul. Actually it was all of those reasons and much, much more, but most of all was the way He made me feel whole and alive and best of all totally enslaved and dominated.
Master has been gone now for over a week, but not once during this time of physical seperation have i felt spiritually disconnected from Him. Alway in my thoughts, Master's control has grown even stronger during this seperation and it consumes me even now. i live for Master's dominance, i crave His power and mastery over my very being, and i yean for His return.
Master is Lord, Master is God.
Master, i love you, and i adore you and i worship
you.
Master is Lord, Master is God.
Master, i love you, and i adore you and i worship
you.
Master is Lord, Master is God.
Master, i love you, and i adore you and i worship
you.
Until tomorrow . . .
In submission to His power and dominance i find the source of contentment and fullfillment. In service to Master i find purpose and direction. In adoration and worship of Master God, i find peace of mind and sould.
Master makes His slave feel complete and wanted, almost desirable. Even though cédant knows that Master doesn't really need His slave, she never the less feels needed and that bring immeasurable joy to her heart.
Tomorrow Master returns . . .
The very first thing i did this morning was to send Master an e-mail beggin His permission to attend to His needs and desire on Wednesday, but i have not yet heard back from Him. Now this doesn't overly concern me because Master is a very busy man and i am certain that ther are many details that would ahve to be caught back up with once he returns. Maybe this evening He will be able to respond.
Being with Him on Wednesday is important to me, but of more importance is just the knowledge that He has returned safe and sound. Of course there is always the possibility that his trip has been extended and since He probably won't be checking His e-mail until He returns, i will just have to be patient.
But i do so very much miss Master.
Until tomorrow . . .
And then the wait was over . . . . Master has returned.
This morning, about two hours ago, Master's letter arrived and His command was for me to come to Him tomorrow (Wednesday) at the usual time for the purpose of worshiping His cock. Thank the Gods in heaven, Master has returned and He wants to use me. No greater joy could a slave have than to know her Master desires to use her for His pleasure.
So, tomorow, Master's slave will travel north to the city by the bay to once again bask in the heavenly glow that is her God and become an extension to His magnifecent cock. When Master allows, cédant will suck deeply from Master's staff of live and pray that He is pleased with her efforts. cédant will dream only of Master tonight and in her dreams only images of Master will appear. The last time cédant saw Master, He was laying on His bed, nearly asleep and to her eyes, very content and happy. cédant hopes that once again she can gaze upon her sleepy and satisfied God and know the joy of having served her lord to His satisfaction.
Now Master has commanded His slave to remain clothed and standing once in the door to His domain. This of course is exacly what His slave will do, but it does intrigue her. What does Master have in mind for cédant? Is there some special purpose for this command? In the past, cédant was expected to enter, disrobe and either kneel and wait for Master's command, or to crawl immeadiatly to His feet where she would prostrate herself before her God. This is a most exciting and intriguing thing and it will be much on cédant's mind until tomorrow and finally in Master's presence.
It's good to be Master's slave.
It's good to have Master back.
cédant must be extra good to Master tomorrow
and prove to Him just how deep her devotion is to her Lord, Master, God.
Until tomorrow . . .
Almost time to start the drive to Master's domain.
i've spent a lot of time thinking about this evening and how i hope to please Master by sucking His wonderful cock. It's been pretty difficult to focus on work today, my mind kept going to images of Master sitting on His chair and me between His knees with His cock in my mouth. Also in my mind are images of Master striding through the lobby, ignoring my presence but knowing that i am there, ready to serve and eager to please. What a magnificent God He is. So tall and strong and just too damned good looking. After so long of not seeing Him, it will be very difficult to not show some expression of joy and worship as He passes. But i must. And i will.
And now it is time to go. Until tomorrow . . .
Well, what can i say, Master was wonderful, the evening although shorter than usual was well worth the wait and this morning i am one happy slave.
Master was right on time and as He walked through the lobby He said to me, without looking at me, ''3 minutes. OK?'', i replied ''Yes'', and then He went on in. This of course surprised me as usually Master does not say anything or make any other form of recognition, but then Master is always full of little surprises. So, i waited the commanded 3 minutes, dialed up His appartment and then went straight to the elevator after He buzzed me in.
On the ride up to His floor, i was all alone in the elevator but because Master had commanded that I remain clothed once inside His domain i did not remove my panties as usual. Upon arriving at Master's floor, i took a deep breath and went straight away to His door and then into His heavenly haunt. ''Master, your slave awaits your command.'' i said and then stood at attention. From around the corner came Master, His face all a glow, with a great big smile. He took me in His arms and we kissed. Master's tounge probed deeply into my mouth as he groped and fondled and huged and i responded with moans of joy and extacy as i also hugged Him and fondled His steadily hardening cock and ran my fingers through His hair and . . .
Then, He finished His kisses and stepped back. ''Kneel.'' He commanded but before i could, He said, ''No, just take your clothes off and then kneel.'' My heart raced as i stripped and thoughts of passionate love makeing raced through my mind. Now naked i knelt and said again, ''Master, your slave awaits your command.''
''I have some bad news for you slave.'' He said, ''I forgot to do something so I must leave, but I will return in about 5 minutes. I will lock the door behind me so that no one will steal you.'' then he opened the sliding door to His closet, ''Now get in here and kneel.'' i went to the closet on all fours, went in and then knelt in the down position with my hands placed in front of me, one on top of the other, palms up. ''Very good slave, I will return.''
The closet door closed and i heard Master open and then close His front door and then lock it. In the darkness of the closet i waited very patiently even though i had this burning desire to peek out of the closet, just to look at Master's place without Master there. But, i kept remembering what the slave yielding had writen in her web site and how she had wanted to peek too, but didn't because she feared angering Master Stern. So i held my pose and really concentrated my thoughts on Master and only Master as i ran through my mantra, "Master, i love you and i adore you and i worship you.'' over and over again.
Sometimes i have a lot of pain if i kneel for too long. Thanks to years and years of riding motorcycles, rain or shine, my knees are a bit on the arthritic side. But during my wait, holding that kneeling position was not painful at all. i think it was the mantra, and my desire to be in the same position as Master had left me when He returned and opened the door to His closet.
The sound of Master's key in His door shook me from my mantra trance and i was so glad that i had been able to hold my pose as i expected Master to come straight away to the closet to release me from my dark place, but that was not to be. i heard Master close His front door and then move about His apartment and as He did it was like i could actually see Him. He put His mail on the table (the thing He had forgotten to do), went to the refrigerator and got out His poppers and put them on the table. He opened the sliding glass door to the balcony then came to the closet, but opened the other side and got out some things (my collar and leash) and put them on the table too.
Then, he came to my side of the closet and opened the door. i suppressed the urge to look up at him choosing instead to remain in that position with eyes cast downward. "Excellent." he said, "Very good slave, now come to me." Oh my, the feeling of joy in knowing that i had pleased Master was so very intense and it made me feel absolutely wonderful. i think i passed a very important test.
Now the fun was to begin. I crawled to master and He commanded that i remove His shoes and socks and then to kiss His feet. What real joy it was to once again kiss the feet of my God and as i did He began taking off His pants and once that was completed, He said, ''I need to piss, get into the tub.'' i knew i was now going to be pissed on and Master was going to want me to drink His wine and at first there was a feeling of dread as i just do not like this, but i knew this would please Master so i went to the tub, kneeled and waited. Master climbed in and then began directing His stream of piss on my breasts and to my surprise i move a bit closer and actually enjoyed the warmth of it upon my breasts. Then Master directed the stream at my face and i opend my mouth and let it fill. And again to my surprise, i found myself enjoying the sensation, not the taste mind you but the sensation and Master said, ''Very good slave. You see, after a few times you stop gaging and weeping and begin to enjoy it.'' And He was right.
After Master had finished, He commanded me to clean up, dry off and then to come to Him. Master was standing and He commanded me to kiss His feet once again which i did with great passion. Then He sat down and commanded ''UP.'' Assuming the kneeling at attention position, i looked at Master and he had this most wonderful smile and a piercing sparkling in His eyes.
''Open that box on the chair beside you, get out your collar and leash and hand it to me.'' After i had done that, i lifted my hair out of the way and presented my neck so that Master could easily put the collar on. ''Say it.'' was Master's next command and i said ''Master, please may i suck your cock? Please?'' ''Leash first slave, but first kiss it.'' With great passion i kissed the handle of the leash and then Master extended his hand to indicate He was ready to posses me.
Once again i said, ''Master, please may i suck your cock? Please?'' But Master did not allow that, choosing instead that i strok His wonderful cock with my hand. Loveingly i gazed at the object of my desire as my hand slid up and down the shaft, and then Master said, ''Do not suck my cock until I pull down upon it.'' A couple of strokes later came the tug on my leash that i had waited so patiently for and finally, after two long weeks i was once again an extension of Master's cock. It was wonderful.
After a while, Master got up and commanded me to lay on His bed on my back and then He mounted me as He would a GG (genetic girl - a TS term for a born female. We avoid the use of "real woman" because in our hearts and minds we are real women) to make love to her. This was the first time i had ever experienced the feeling of a mans body upon mine and oh boy did it ever feel wonderful and oh boy did it ever make me feel so very womanly. Oh my God, I LOVE IT!!!!! Master humped me and fondled and sucked my breasts and then i pulled my leggs up over His hips and His humping incresed in intensity and then He stopped, got up and comanded me to go back to His chair where i resumed sucking His cock.
Then, Master said, ''I want you to stroke my cock and do not stop.'' Now Master's slave has had a lot of experience with this because of what she used to be and because as a male thing, she used to do it to herself . . . a lot. So began an intense period of stroking Master's ever hardening and enlarging cock. ''Faster.'' And faster i went and then Master sort of stiffened in a spasm of extacy and His life essence came forth to spalsh upon my face and breasts, and Master was pleased.
On so many levels last night i felt the extacy the comes from total submission. The closet, being pissed on, being mounted like a GG, sucking and stroking His cock. Yes, it was a wonderful evening.
Until tomorrow . . .
Last night was such a happy night for me. I got to be with Master and i was able to make Him very happy. Of course i was very happy to give HIm pleasure and love and in return He made me feel so very loved and wanted. Master even gave me a taste of His cane and it stung so very sweetly. i was hoping He would leave a few marks <wink>, but at least the pain part was really nice. It was so very wonderful to be able to see Him last night after the panic thing earlier this week. Master was just wonderful and so very loving and reassuring. God how i just melt when He looks at me.
i never thought i would ever want to give my heart to another because of how deeply i feel about Joyce Lynn, but there is just something so very special about Master and how He affects me. i just so very much want and need to serve Him and that desire fills just about every waking moment. i just can't get that man out of my brain and i love Him more and more every day. Last night he was talking about prize fighting and especially the historical matches and He was so animated and exuberant and as i sat on the floor gazing at him sitting on the end of His bed i was so struck by just what a magnificent man He is and how very, very intelligent He is. i could listen to Him for hours and hours . . . i could look at Him forever.
Master makes me a very happy slave.
So, now for the dark cloud. Last night as i was kneeling between His legs with his cock in my mouth . . . oh my, this is hard to talk about but here it is. Last night as i was sucking Master's cock, he tells me that He has children and that after a year of seperation, He is beginning to see the logic in staying in a marriage for the sake of the children and that He will in all likelihood move back to be with them and O/our sessions will stop.
i stopped for just a heart beat and then continued sucking cock and fought with every fiber within me to keep from crying. It was so very surreal, Master's rock hard cock in my mouth and He is telling me that He will probably release me from enslavement. So i just looked at Master with as happy eyes as possible and focused on each moment and relished them as though each one would be the last. And that last moment is coming.
But until it does, i intend to be with Him as much as i can and to carefully store each memory in a very safe place so that one rainy winter day as i sit lonely and cold, i can bring back those memories and feel once again the warmth of His love and the heat of His passion.
Joyce will be working late again this coming Wednesday so i am hoping He will be able to accept my service and submission one more time.
This is going to be very hard to deal with.
Until tomorrow . . .
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and i did a bunch of crying. i don't want to be set free by Master but i totally understand and respect His reasoning for releasing me. Today, i thought i was going to be OK, but then just a little while ago an e-mail came from Master and it got me crying all over again. i know the end is coming soon and i am ready, but it still hurts like nothing else i've ever felt.
I have loved being Master's slave and slut whore. He makes me feel so very womanly and desirable.
And now, we will live each Wednesday as though it were our last.
And the tears continue . . . .
A woman never forgets her first deep and true love. The relationship may or may not last but regardless, that first love is so very special and never forgotten. So it will be with Master because He is the first man to love the woman that is me. Yes there is Joyce Lynn, but she is in love with stephen and will never love Stephanie. Yes, there is Tanya, but Tanya has only loved Stephanie, and although i love both Joyce and Tanya, they are after all, women.
So OK, forget for a moment that i am Master's sex slave. Focus instead on the fact that He is a man and that He accepts me as a woman and has never let me forget that it was the percieved woman that attracted Him to me. On our second ''date'' He told me that He would always treat me like the woman i so desperately tried to make the world believe i was. To Master, i am a woman who happens also to be His lover and slave.
But times change and the world moves on and for reasons that i totally agree with, Master will soon be releasing me from His enslavement. And oh my how hard it was for me to hear Him say those words Wednesday evening and to listen to His explaination for releasing me.
Oh, dear God, my heart is absolutely breaking and i am having a hard time controlling the crying. But, i will never forget His smile and the way He laughs. And, i will never forget the way He made love to me and made me feel more like a woman than any thing else i have done or experienced before i met Him.
On Friday, in my transition journal, i wrote about belief of your true self and how it is impossible to transition without belief in your self. God bless Him, Master's love and understanding strengthened that belief more than i will ever be able to explain with words alone. Because of Him and His love, i felt for the first time that which i have spent a life time believing was not just the fantasies of a sick mind like so much of my world would have me believe.
His love is the validation i have sought all my
life.
His love made me feel whole and complete.
His love . . . i will miss it.
Until whenever . . .
And so ends the month of August. Now on to September 2003. Journal Index HOME