-> Those Fools! -

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!  What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

-> Kittens -

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

-> The Terrorists -

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

-> Rosary and Martinis -

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

-> Golf Balls -

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway.  When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

-> Flagman and Switch Operator -

This guy was applying for a job as a flagman / switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the
interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "*Why* would you call your brother???" "He's never seen a train wreck before."

-> Looks Like Semen -

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen." The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen." The blonde reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

-> Kids Should Be In School -

A middle aged woman stood watching a little boy standing on the curb, smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle of scotch. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she stalked up to the lad and demanded, "why aren't you in school at this time of day?" "Hell lady, " said the boy, gumping from the bottle, "I'm only four years old."

-> Newborn versus 65 Year Old -

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.  All her relatives come to visit and meet
the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."   A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries."  And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

-> Stronger -

Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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