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BOEING! BOEING!
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon
as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,
running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!!
BOEING!!! BO....."

Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Safe Sex: Grandparent to Teen
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name.
He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Get On The Bus
One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since he didn't know where he was or didn't have anyone to talk to, he had a Walkman and a set of headphones and was listening to music on the bus. After a few stops, he looked up and noticed a woman get on the bus and look at the driver. When the driver turned to her, she took her right hand and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers to the driver.
The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his forehead and the thumb of his left hand was on his right hand and he waved all of his fingers to the woman.

The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right arm and ran his left hand down his arm.

The lady then proceeded to grab her right breast.

The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch.

The lady turned away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady.

"What did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked.

The driver replied, "Oh, it's very simple. All you have to do is pay attention. She asked if the bus fare was five cents. I told her that the fare was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going downtown. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was going by the ballpark.

She replied, "Oh, wait!!!! I'm on the wrong bus!!!"

2 Weeks to Live
A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

Dr. Feelgood
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.'' ''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.'' ''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

How To Sell Lawnmowers
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

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