Stop the clock - I want to get off. While that may sound like the cry of a horny ice-hockey player, it is in fact a plea from someone who can see the year 2000 fast approaching. Up till now we've been a nation of whingers. But several things will occur in 2000 that will place us in a new league of whingery.
For starters, at the stroke of midnight the Y2K Bug will infest the computers of the nation. Of course, while the boffins reckon this will spell disaster for Civilisation As We Know It, don't be too concerned. Most computers don't work reliably anyway. They're always trashing and crashing and running out of memory. And laser printers are like teenagers in rural areas - if they're working it's a bloody miracle (not that I'm whinging). Take hope - when Y2K hits, your laptop might actually start working. This won't stop us from blaming every glitch in our lives on the Bug.
"Things were better in the 1900s," we'll say. "Ah, the 1900s, when computers worked every time you switched them on. They don't build em like that any more..."
And a new nostalgia for the '90s will emerge. The '90s... when the streets were safe, kids had respect for their elders and the family unit meant something. We'll suffer the same forgetfulness that so enamors John Howard to the '50s, that golden age of domestic violence, drug abuse, corruption and the White Australia Policy.
Just as we're getting into the swing of griping about Y2K, the clock will click to 1 July 2000 and the greatest invention for whingers since the Metcard will arrive. The GST will send us into paroxysms of whinging, unmatched by any war, depression, drought or ABC newsreader's grammatical error in our history. Can you imagine?
Everywhere we turn, the GST will wink back at us. The knock-kneed dolts who begged Howard to inflict it on them will moan loudest, make no mistake. (For thousands of wealthy Liberal voters, it will be the first time they've had to pay tax.) Ah yes, be very careful what you wish! All our bitching about bank fees will be small potatoes. The GST will allow us to engage in non-stop griping, an orgy of Government-blaming, bill-checking and checkout-chick harassing. We'll be hard-pressed to remember a time when we were so happy!
Finally, the advent of the new millennium is the most likely time for God Almighty to bring on the Apocalypse. This process begins with the Rapture, the whisking away to Heaven of all Mormons, Adventists and the worst-dressed Baptists. The theory is that they just vanish on the spot. US Bible-belt cars bear stickers warning drivers to "Beware of Driverless Vehicle Due to Rapture". Seriously. For Australia, it will simply mean that taxis take even longer to arrive.
As flaming cracks open in the earth, oceans turn blood-red and there is a great gnashing of teeth to herald the coming of Armageddon, we'll look into the sky and say: "Disgusting - I've a good mind to call the council."
I know of a little old lady who has the Channel 9 complaints number on auto-dial. Whenever Mike Munro steps out of line, she's on the blower, giving 'em hell.
After Armageddon, the switchboards of Heaven will probably be flooded with complaints from outraged Aussies. Don't suppose they're used to complaints in Heaven. But we are.
