Love Is A Battlefield.

Sam and Billy were arguing about how best to grill the steaks and weren't paying much attention to us. Sam wanted to cook them over slow coals and baste them with worcestershire sauce while Billy merely wanted to wave them at the fire. Neither one was of a mind to bother with a couple of women who had no valid opinion about barbecue cooking. Beth's eyes were on Sam, full of something profoundly different from the passion I usually saw there. I was watching her closely. Like a horse...I could smell something on the wind.

Sam:  I'd like to propose a toast.

What?  I thought they only did that in movies.  Beth's eyes, as they
met Sam's, were dark and unreadable.  I lifted my beer slowly, wondering
what would bring on the disaster I was sure was coming.  Would it be this
innocent toast?

Sam:  To Beth's new career, website designer and writer.  Full time.

Billy:  Bullshitter extraordinaire, pipsqueak!

Deb:  Beth?

Beth almost drank, but stopped and put down her beer before she could.
She rose instead, and wandered away into the darkness of the backyard.  I
looked over at Sam.

Sam:  What's wrong with her?

Billy:  Go pick her brains, girl.  Gerard, pay attention, that's my damn
dinner you're friggin' up, there.

I rose, followed Beth as quickly as my leg would allow.  She was 
staring into the middle distance and something about her posture spoke of
deep frustration and barely restrained anger.  This party was on paper
thin ice, the kind Billy was always telling me I was on.

Deb:  Beth?  You okay?  What's wrong?  

Beth:  I swear to God, Deb...

I stood, unwilling even to prompt her to continue.

Beth:  How many life changes am I gonna have to make for that man before
he backs off?

Deb:  Maybe you better talk to me before you yell at him.

Beth:  I don't think there's gonna be any getting around that.

I looked over at Sam, poking at the grilling steaks and shoving Billy,
who was armed with tongs and trying to snatch the meat off the fire, away
from the grill.

Deb:  He looks almost...smug.  I've never seen that look on Sam's face
before.

Beth:  It's like everything...

She stopped, rubbed her eyes hard and drew a deep breath as though she
was unwilling to go on.  As though she had no desire to be critical of Sam,
but felt she had no options.

Deb:  Everything what?

Beth:  It's like everything else he gets in his head, if he wants it, he'll
get it, doesn't matter how much he has to manipulate to get there.

The fingers came away from her eyes and she looked at me.  I had never
seen such anguish in her face before...but then I had never seen her 
question anything about Sam before.

Beth:  He wants us in a relationship, so he calls and writes and keeps on
until we're in a relationship.  He wants us to live together, he buys a
house and we live together.  He wants me to quit my job, and he hounds and
hounds and hounds until I finally quit my job.

I had to ask.  I hadn't been as ardently pursued as she had been and I
wanted to know what the problem was.

Deb:  This is bad?  Pardon my idiocy, Beth, but that one over there always
acted like he could have given a shit less.

Beth:  It's not THAT, Deb.  I want all those things, too.  But I told
him I needed time.  So rather than wait, let me ease on up to where he was,
he just pushed until he got it.  But let ME bring up a request and it's
'silly little woman' time.

I glanced back to the grill.  Billy had managed to sneak one of the steaks
off and was busily eating it.  He waved at me.  I waved back, halfheartedly.

Deb:  I guess I see what you mean.  He does tend to...minimize some things,
but I'm not around all the time.  I told myself I was just making it up.
How on earth do you stand it?

Beth:  Christ, Deb.  I don't know WHAT to think anymore.  I know he doesn't
mean it like that.  But...I can't...I've taken care of myself for years, I'm
a capable human being, I don't need to be put on a pedestal like this.

Deb:  I don't know what to say.  Part of me says you're nuts to be bothered
and part of me's surprised you didn't go off on him long before now.

Sam:  C'mon, you two!  Party's over here!

Beth:  Deb...what if...what if this was a...a mistake?

Deb:  Oh no, no no, whatever else it might be, it wasn't a mistake.  Don't
think that.  Sam adores you and you know you feel the same way about him,
I've never seen two people as loving as you two are.  Don't ever think
that.

Beth:  At first I thought that working at home would be a good thing.  He's
away a lot and this just gives us more time to be together.  And lately I'm
thinking - Oh, God, this gives us more time to be TOGETHER.

Deb:  A little togetherness goes a long way, maybe?

Beth:  When I'm with him, all I want to do is be with him.  Any when I'm
away from him all I want to do is be with him.  And I keep trying to tell
myself that this is just us trying to get settled into a new life.  But, Deb
I swear to God, he's going to keep on and one day I'm going to say something
I'll regret.

Sam walked over to where we were standing, a sort of tentative little
smile on his face.  It tugged at the heart, that smile.  Beth did the
eye-rubbing thing again.

Sam:  Girls?  Honey, okay?

Beth:  I'm FINE, Sam.  Deb and I are just trying to talk.

Sam:  About what?

Beth perceptibly tightened up.  I wondered what it would be like to live
with a man who demanded instant and complete access to the smallest corners
of my brain.  Billy didn't seem to give a damn what I thought, as long as
he knew how I felt and that I was physically available, both of which were a
big 10-4.

Beth:  About something private.

Deb:  Go tend the slabs of cow, Sam.  Go on, before Billy eats more of them.
Clear off.

Billy had wandered over.  Having eaten, he was ready for the floor show
and this promised to be a good one.

Sam:  Quiet, you.

Billy:  What the hell are y'all huddlin' out here for?  Ya got a damn meal
burnin back on the patio.

Deb:  We do, anyway.  Shut up.  Go on, great white hunters, tend your food.
Leave us alone.  I'm serious.

Billy:  You ain't never been serious in your life.

Deb:  The hell you say.

Sam:  There's somethin' goin' on here.

Beth:  Just leave us alone for a minute, guys.

Sam:  Beth...

Deb:  Sam, for the last time...get.  Lost.  Please.  Billy, can't you take
him away?

Billy:  You can't lead a bull noplace.

Bill had been watching this last exchange with raised eyebrows.  He
definitely saw the look in my eyes and put a hand on Sam's elbow to
pull him away.

Bill:  C'mon, Dawg, can't you see these hens wanna peck awhile.

Sam:  Yeah, they do.  They wanna peck my ankles.  Beth, you're not going
to start keeping things from me now, are you?

Beth's composure, like Elvis, had left the building.

Beth:  For God's sake, Sam, stop pushing!

Sam:  Pushing?  What the hell are you talking about, pushing?

Deb:  Bill, NOW!

Billy tightened his grip on Sam's elbow.  His voice was more serious when
he spoke to Sam next.

Bill:  Gerard, leave 'em to it, man.

Sam:  Keep yankin' on my arm you'll wish you hadn't.  Beth, baby...what is 
all this?

Beth was rubbing her forehead in a randomly circular fashion that made
me think she was suffering a horrible headache.

Deb:  Careful, girl.

Beth:  Sam...

Sam:  Yes?

Sam's voice was faintly stiff, vaguely formal.  Something had got through
the beery good cheer and goofy backyard cameraderie, telling the Deputy that
he had better be on his toes.

Beth:  This constant mother hen routine has got to stop.  Sometimes I
just need some room.  Sometimes when I say I need to take some time, I need
to take some goddam time!

Deb:  William, maybe we should go tend the cow.

That was the only alternative I could think of.  These two were on a
collision course, and they deserved a modicum of privacy for the eventual
crash and burn.

Sam:  Time for what?

Billy:  Hell, no!  This is startin' to look good!

Beth breathed deeply.  She managed not to scrub at her face and eyes 
again, but contented herself with rubbing her temples.  Perhaps she thought
to slow the course of the disaster.  Her voice was trying for reason, mostly
achieving it.

Beth:  I'm happy that you're happy with my current job situation,
Sam, but I don't want to be standing out here celebrating it like it was
another one of your personal coups.

Sam:  I'm afraid I don't follow you.

Deb:  William.  Come on, this is nothing to do with us.

I tugged at Billy's arm hard enough to knock myself off balance.  It was
like tugging on a firmly rooted tree.  Billy grabbed me with the same arm 
I'd been tugging on, spun me around like a top and into an upright position
close to his side.

Billy:  If I'm standin' here watchin' it, it's got somethin' to do with me.

Beth:  Sam, are we really celebrating this "great" decision of mine, or are
you celebrating getting your way again?

Sam:  Getting my way?  What the hell kind of question is that, what are you
talking about?

Beth:  How many things have you decided lately that you needed to change 
about me?  How many times have you nagged me until I finally gave in to you?

Deb:  Let's go, dammit!  This is their discussion!

Sam:  Nag?  Change you?!  I never set out to do either, I just...I want...

Sam stopped, his thought unexpressed.  He had no idea how to proceed.
Tense, he stood there, looking as thought he thought anything he said would
be neatly dissected and served up on a plate alongside his steaks.

Deb:  Bill...the meat is burning.  Let's go get it.

Sam:  I want what's best...

Beth:  No!  No!  You want what's best for you!

Billy:  Damn!  That was good!  One for the pipsqueak!

Sam:  You're wrong, Honey.  I want what's best for us.

Beth:  And what IS best for US, Sam?

Deb:  Will you shut UP, you idiot?  Sam...um...excuse us, maybe this wasn't
such a hot idea.  Come on, Bill, I mean it.

Sam was stading silently, by the look on his face it was easy to see he
was trying to regroup.  It had never occurred to him that this might be a
question.  He had always thought that he and Beth were in perfect agreement
about such things.  He was growing frustrated with her line of reasoning.
He had never yet encountered her in such a mulish frame of mind, had no idea
how far she was liable to take the stubborn act.  The one time she had
exploded, it appeared that she had seen reason in the end and he'd not had 
any reason to believe it could be any worse.

Billy:  Woman, stop naggin' me!

Beth:  I mean what things do you think we should be doing?  I'd
like to know, considering you don't ever ask me first.

Sam had no adequate response for that.  Beth had cracked the Dawg
directly in the jewels.  Billy grinned wolfishly, then whistled long
through his teeth.

Sam:  I don't think this is the time for this discussion, Hon.

Billy:  She's got 'im on the run now!  Get 'im, girl!

I whacked Billy between the shoulderblades, then leaned against his
shoulder, miserable for my friends.  I didn't want to watch this.  The
worst part was, the worst was yet to come.

Beth:  Ahhh, you're right again, Sam!  Right as always!  This is NOT
the time for this discussion!

Beth already had an impressive head of steam built up - when she turned
it into physical activity it was truly impressive.  She blasted past Sam so
fast he didn't even have the opportunity to reach out and do the old Deputy
Grab, slammed through the patio door and stormed on into the kitchen like a
pocket sized hurricane.  For a minute Sam stood in utter confusion.  Then
his decisive nature won out over his confused heart and he took off after
her, his measured stride eating up the distance.  Billy scampered off after
them both, leaving me to bring up the rear.

Sam:  Beth!  Explain this, please!  I think you WANT this!

Beth:  Explain WHAT, Sam!  Apparently there isn't anything TO
explain, you've got it all planned out!  What's left to discuss?

Sam:  The only plan I have is to spend the rest of my life with you!  After
that, it's all open to discussion!  What in HELL is wrong with you?

Beth:  No, that's just it, it's not open to discussion.  It's
NEVER open to discussion!  You decide what you want and then I do it!

Billy:  What's your secret, Dawg?

Deb:  Billy!  Hush!

Billy had taken up station against the kitchen counter and was very
relaxed, smiling hugely.  This was better than a cartoon about wrestling.
He was enjoying the show immensely.  Meantime, Beth's energy level had
dropped, frighteningly so, and she spoke very slowly and deliberately.

Sam:  I have decided nothing that you haven't agreed to.  What crawled up
your ass, woman?

Beth:  I think what you need to look at is under what kind of circumstances
I agreed with you.  Was I allowed to come to decisions in my own time, or 
have I been hounded until it was easier to go along with you?

Sam:  For the last time, Beth, what the goddam hell are you talking about?
I don't hound!

Billy:  Sure ya do!  You're a Dawg, ain't ya?!

Deb:  You're having way too much fun here.  Does this have anything to do 
with you in the least?

Sam:  Well!

Beth leaned against the counter.  She sighed heavily, and started in on
her face again.

Beth:  I just can't seem to...to get through to you!

Sam:  All you have to do is tell me what you want and it's yours.

Beth:  What I want is for my opinion to count for something.  I'm
not your cute little Squirrel who'll come around eventually if you
only keep at me long enough.  I have a heart and a brain and more than
enough ability to use both.  I want you to respect that.

Sam:  Of course I respect you.  My entire life revolves around you.  
Everything I do...is for you, because of you.  I always want
to know what you think.

Beth:  Doesn't mean you have the slightest intention of taking it into
consideration.

Billy:  Two for the pipsqueak!

Deb:  Billy...now's our chance.  Can we please go?  My..my ankle...yeah,
that's it...my ankle hurts like crazy.

Billy smacked me lightly on the back of the head.  He connected without
even looking at me, the place where my head fell when I stood beside him was
so familiar to him.

Billy:  There, now your head hurts, take your mind off your ankle.
Shut your face.

I was not above time honored tricks.  They wouldn't work, but I was only
interested in staving off the explosion, now.

Deb:  Billy...if you love me, take me home.

Three heads swivelled toward me.  Three pairs of eyes regarded me 
strangely, then rolled.  I tried.

Sam:  Beth, have I ever, ever been anything but completely honest?  Up
front?  Have I?

Beth:  Yes, you've always been perfectly honest with me.  And I've always
been perfectly honest with you.  But when I tell you I need time to think
something over, I don't get it.  I just get this relentless nagging
until I come around to your way of thinking.  Can you not shut it
off when you come home?

Sam:  Shut WHAT off?

Sam was tremendously frustrated.  Beth had erected one wall that all
of his celebrated determination was not allowing him to find a way around.
I was trying to find a way to shift William, but he was at least as stubborn
as Sam was determined, and if there was one thing he had no intention of
missing, it was the Dawg getting a newspaper across the nose.

Beth:  The cop! That's what, the damned cop who won't stop!  The team
leader who drives his people till they've solved the case!  The deputy who
pushes the perp till he gets a confession!  The man who's always right and
always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS gets his way!

Sam swallowed heavily.  I thought I might have been the only one of the
three of us to see the spasm cross his face.  She had just gone head first
into who he was.  She was asking him to take Sam Gerard off like a jacket 
and leave him at the door when he came home.  Unbeknownst to me, there was
another voice that Sam heard.  It was a small one, just below the level of 
his consciousness and though he tried to ignore it, it was too insistent 
for that.  It muttered and raved and the subject of its ravings was Sam's
father, and how Father had taught young Sam that nothing worth doing was
worth compromise, even relationships.  Father had coined the phrase 'my way
or the highway' and Sam had absorbed it despite his best efforts not to.
This small voice frightened Sam even more than Beth's accusations.  He
might have been able to refute those, but the small voice was confirming
them all.

Sam:  You make it sound as though I have no respect for you as a person, a
woman.  As my chosen partner through life.  You make it sound like...like...

At this point...Beth went in for the kill.  It was the only way I
could think to describe it.

Deb:  I don't want to watch this anymore, Bill.  I'm not kidding.  Please.

Billy:  So don't look then.

Beth:  I make it sound like that, Sam, because...you know what?...
I.  Don't.  Know.  I mean, I feel like you do.  I can turn over enough 
logical arguments that make me think that you do.  But I'm up here
on this pedestal all by myself and sometimes I swear to God I just don't
friggin' know.

Sam turned away from Beth, away from Bill and me.  The small voice in
his head had grown in volume, thundered in his ears, echoed and amplified
all that had been said.  I managed to get a peek at his face, and what I saw
shattered me.

Deb:  Beth, I...I think...he's...crying.

Beth dropped her gaze to the floor, ran one hand through her hair then
planted both on her hips and stood silently.  This took some getting used
to.

Deb:  Sam...?

He said nothing, leaned against the cabinet in front of him.  Beth 
walked up behind him, rubbed his back with one hand.

Beth:  Sam...it's a relationship...love...not an investigation.  You can't
run it or manage it.  You can't control it.  You definitely can't make it
do things just because you want it to.  You can only sit back and take
what comes...hopefully enjoy the ride.  But you can't push it...
because someday you'll find you've pushed it away from yourself altogether.

Sam kept his back to the room.  He was more profoundly wounded than any
of us knew.  His voice was a cry from somewhere in the deepest regions of 
hell.

Sam:  What have I done?  What have I missed?  I wanted to do it right!

Beth let her hand drop away from Sam's back.  She folded her arms tight
across her chest and stared at the tiles, chin quivering slightly.

Sam:  I never meant to push.  I wanted to...to bind us together with a
million common threads.  Now you're telling me everything I tried to do is
wrong.

Deb:  Not a word out of you, either, fathead.

Bill raised his eyebrows at the murderous note in my voice, but even 
he had become seriously silent in the face of all the pain in the 
room.

Beth:  You're not...wrong, Sam.  You just want...everything, and you want
it now.  And now is not always when I'm ready for it.

Sam:  If you'd rather...I left now, I will.  It's just that I thought you
wanted...what I wanted.

Beth had to turn away from him abruptly.  She was losing her battle with 
tears, trying desperately to squeeze them back, to keep the tremor out of
her voice, to no avail.  Bill tried in his own way to help her.  He reached
out to scramble her curls, surprisingly gently for him.  She took a deep
breath, seeming to draw strength from Billy's brotherly touch, and tried to
control the level of emotion in her voice.

Beth:  Christ, Sam...I do want it...but...but I'm not running my
own life anymore.

Sam:  Damned if I know who does, then.

Billy gave her a small, firm shake.  She looked up at him.

Billy:  You want us to go?

Deb:  What do you think, Billy, come on!  This is their private...
hell and we've already seen too much.

Beth:  I think...I think maybe...maybe I should be the one to go.
I...I need some air.  I need to think.

Beth pulled her car keys out of her pocket as she walked to the kitchen
doorway.  At the slight, jingling sound Sam seemed to sag, to shrink against
the counter.  He thought he had blown it again...first his father, then his
wife...and now Beth.  Beth spoke over her shoulder.  She was careful to
keep her back to him.

Beth:  I need some time, Sam.

Sam:  Take all you need.  I'll be here.

Beth's leaving was accompanied by profound silence.  The loudest thing
in the house was the ticking of the clock in the front room.  We stood in
this void and listened to the front door close, and to the sound of Beth
driving away.  The only thing I could think of to do was get the hell out
of there, leave Sam to recover as best he could.

Deb:  Come on, Billy.  Come on, let's go.

Bill sighed deeply.  He had a tremendous urge to kick the Dawg square
in the ass for causing the Pipsqueak so much pain, but it didn't take a
rocket scientist to see that nothing he could do would be as bad as what 
the Dawg was doing to himself.  Billy kissed my temple gently.

Billy:  We're outa here, Gerard.  She'll be back.

As Billy and I passed Sam I reached up and patted his shoulder softly.
Sam turned around.  Billy released me and I stepped into my big
brother's arms.  I hugged him hard, fought my own absurd urge to cry.

Deb:  She loves you, Sam.  Hold that thought.  She loves you.

Sam:  I...you two'd better be on your way.  I'll be alright.

Somehow I wasn't so sure about that, but I followed Billy out to the
Suburban all the same.

TO BE CONTINUED...