It was in these innocent times that a new band emerged from the bowels of Wiltshire's countryside. It all happened a little bit like this............
Once upon a time in a land far far away, Four happy little elves were living in a happy wonderland of fluffy wuffy bunnies and singing sunflowers. They decided that it might be frightfully good fun to start up a band. Sam, the green, bulbous headed genius elf, suggested that they call themselves "origin". As the other little elves lacked the ability to think for themselves, they all nodded at Sam and drooled in a slightly disturbing manner. "Now all we need is somewhere to practice" said Jamie, the happiest and cleanest of all the elves, who often liked to help old ladies across the road in rush hour. On the M4. Using a shopping trolley. "We can practice at my house" said Stuart elf. Stuart elf was the drummer, and liked to show his drumming skills off all the time by betting people who could not play the drums that he was better than them.
"I will be the singer" said James, the long haired, leather clad elf. "And i should like to play guitar as well" said Tim elf, who bore a striking resemblance to an elf like Ringo Starr, without the drumsticks. So they practised and practised when one day Jamie elf brought his brother along to practice. "hello, my name's Jon", said Jon elf (unsurprisingly). So they played a bunch of songs with Jon singing and James elf said "But I am the singer". They Came to the conclusion that there could only be one singer and so decided they would have a contest to see who the best was. When James elf and Tim elf went home, Jamie elf said "Fuck this contest laugh, let's get rid of James, his leather gear is pissing me right off". Sam elf replied "yeah, and let's get rid of Tim elf while we're at it. His Ringo Starr like appearance is causing me to re-appraise the position of my breakfast, from my stomach, to the floor below". So it came to be that James elf and Tim elf were thrown out into the cold of the big wide world, left helpless to fend for themselves. It wasn't long before they had their first gig. "But we haven't got a bass player" cried Stuart elf. Just then, a one of Jon elf's friends walked through the door. His name was Jeremy elf. He had an eye for the ladies, and a dong that would make the horniest of elephants eyes water. "I will be your bassist", he cried, in a well endowed manner. And so he was.
And so came the night of their first gig. It was held in the local town hall and was a charity gig for three legged, syphilis ridden, mentally disabled, Orang Utan -Walrus cross breed widow dwarfs in crisis (a charity very close to their hearts). They went down well with the audience (mostly made up of three legged, syphilis ridden, cross breed Orang Utan-Walrus cross breed widow dwarfs in crisis, with hearing difficulties, and a severe lack of bladder control), and soon found themselves on the front page of the local newspaper.
Excited by the prospect of playing more gigs, they set about trying to secure some more dates. Jamie and Jon elf's father offered to get them some more gigs in exchange for being their manager (and having first refusal on any scantily clad groupie elf under age cuties), and soon secured them their second gig.
THE FALCON, CAMDEN
They played the gig to rapturous applause from the sizeable crowd (sizeable in the sense that there were three 40stone Bangkok Lady-Boy Wrestlers taking up a sizeable chunk of the floor space with their exotic dance routine and every-man-for-himself, 3-count-and-out style tomfoolery.
It wasn't long before they were well on their way to elf-like stardom, with many gigs materializing, and being regarded as the best band in Swindon, playing in such world renowned millionaire playboy hangouts as Moles Club in Bath, Dublin Castle in Camden, Fleece and Firkin in Bristol, and The Alleycat in Reading.
Then one day a nasty, fat, dumpy, hairy, money grabbing killjoy elf called Ethel (name changed to protect the innocent - namely me) came along and decided that Stuart elf should not be playing in Origin, and instead should join a 30 something cabaret act, with camp overtones and a certain 'Sparkle(tm)'. Seeing as how Ethel was Stuarts mother, he could not refuse, and so the pair of them disappeared into the anus of a giant Budgerigar named Ricky. Meanwhile Sam elf was offered a place at Manchester University, and promptly pissed off for a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll (all the elements that he joined a band for in the first place, who does he think we are, Bon Jovi or something?). Jeremy elf was soon to follow the 'rat deserting the sinking ship' syndrome that seemed to be taking Origin by storm.
And so the only elves left in the band were Jamie and Jon elf. NO BAND-NO GIGS-NO HOPE
THE END
Or so they thought. They decided that they would try and find people to replace the dearly departed. Months went by, as did two drummers and four line ups, when out of the blue they found three young whippersnapper elves willing to maul the general public into submission, before musically ravaging their bodies in an all night long Barry White-style walrus-of-love session, leaving them with a content state of mind, joy in their hearts, and wet sheets. The three chosen ones were
Suddenly they had changed from a band of small green elves, and into a sort of A-Team meets The Village People, accompanied by several sex crazed Wildebeest, each holding a copy of the Karma Sutra in their horny little hoofs. This all new Origin was even more potent than ever before, decimating towns and cities with their blend of melodic rock music, and Angela's industrial sized baps.
These five soldiers of fortune are now heading
all over the world, helping the musically challenged (such as fans of Celine
Dion, Michael Bolton, and the Backstreet Boys) come to terms with their
illness, and re-habilitate them into the world of the true music lover,
not ashamed of their all new, truly astounding taste, fashion sense and
abundance of friends that all Origin fans enjoy.
(N.B. The rumour that Origin's music cures
all known germs and diseases, famine, war, mullet hairdos, mental illness,
depression, piles, homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, constipation
or anything else that may give slight discomfort is false. Although it
can cause drowsiness when accompanied by two weeks of no sleep and only
a five assed monkey for company).
So come on down and join the fun, and remember