Hmmm Drinks.
. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
. Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
. Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
. Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
. Why is American beer served cold?So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson
. All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
Applicable around the office
. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
. How about never? Is never good for you?
. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
. I can see your point, but I still think you're rather pointless.
. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
. No, my powers can only be used for good.
Famous Last Quotes
Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying,
"General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789
Codeine . . . bourbon.
~~ Tallulah Bankhead, actress, d. December 12, 1968
Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 23, 1827
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957
I am not the least afraid to die.
~~ Charles Darwin, d. April 19, 1982
No, I shall not give in. I shall go on. I shall work to the end.
~~ Edward VII, King of England, d. 1910
God will pardon me, that's his line of work.
~~ Heinrich Heine, poet, d. February 15, 1856
I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885
A King should die standing.
~~ Louis XVIII, King of France, d. 1824
Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715
Let's cool it brothers . . .
Spoken to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times.
~~ Malcolm X, Black leader, d. 1966
Lord help my poor soul.
~~ Edgar Allan Poe, writer, d. October 7, 1849
I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.
Spoken to his wife.
~~ James K. Polk, US President, d. 1849
I have a terrific headache.
He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
~~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt, US President, d. 1945
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864
Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
Spoken to his nurse.
~~ George Bernard Shaw, playwright, d. November 2, 1950
I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953
Moose . . . Indian . . .
~~ Henry David Thoreau, writer, d. May 6, 1862
God bless... God damn.
~~ James Thurber, humorist, d. 1961
Don't worry chief, it will be alright.
~~ Rudolph Valentino, actor, d. August 23, 1926
Woe is me. Me thinks I'm turning into a god.
~~ Vespasian, Roman Emperor, d. 79 AD
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519
Go away. I'm all right.
~~ H. G. Wells, novelist, d. 1946
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900
You might be a redneck goth if...
A few years ago Charlie Brown and the peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "why me, Charlie Brown?"
Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the gang dealing contemporary problems. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues how about Peanuts specials for the 90's:
We learn about VD in: "It burns when I pee, Charlie Brown"
Chuck & the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "It's blue, Charlie Brown!"
Is Linus gay? "It's a different kind of love, Charlie Brown"
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "No means no Charlie Brown!"
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "Imo busta cap inyo ass, Charlie Brown"
What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "gOD told me to do it Charlie Brown"
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and boosting cars in:"Go blame society, Charlie Brown"
Daily Affirmations
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Bar Translations
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
I've had like 10 beers already.
I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
Can I have a white Russian? (male)
I'm really gay.
Can I have a white Russian? (female)
I'm really easy.
Bumper Stickers I'd Like to See
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
The more you complain, the longer gOD lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a bastard
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Lord save me from your followers.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Support vegetarians! More meat for the rest of us.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
(COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidelines
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Talk into your daytimer.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say "Sqwish."
Things Guys Learn From Action Movies
No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I
will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and
children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything
with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.
Why our generation is the way it is. - Drug Using Cartoon Suspects
Gargamel (From the Smurfs) -Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
Olive Oyl -Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
He-Man -This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
Yogi and Boo Boo -We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....
Droopy -The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
Daffy Duck -If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky, though.
Shaggy -By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!
PC WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID:
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Lies Told by Graduate Students
My job prospects look really good.
The Department is giving me so much support.
I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
No really. I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Your latest article was so inspiring.
I could never date an undergraduate.
My work has a lot of practical importance.
I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate makes $80.000 a year on Wall Street.
You just might be a graduate student if...
you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
you have ever, for a folklore project, attempted to track the
progress of your own joke across the Internet.
you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopies while researching a single paper.
there is a microfiche reader in the library that you consider
"yours."
you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
you consider all papers to be works in progress.
your professors don't really care when you turn in your work anymore.
you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
you reflexively start analyzing those Greeks letters before you realize that it's just a sorority sweatshirt and not an equation.
you find yourself explaining to young children that you are in the "20th" grade.
you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their
backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to
nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to
success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who
continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that
science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look
forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on
behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by
local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will
be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains
approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently
spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the
nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of
us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to
offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the
opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high
school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more money than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached,
causes everyone in the group to gasp; e. g. , cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed
to the gods, but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women
with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie
fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Techno-Cubie Speak
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc.
looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing - Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Driver Identification Chart - How to identify where a driver is from:
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; with gun in lap: LA
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both feet holding the brake while their buddy takes a leak: Montana
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas City Male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
Words You Won't Find in the Dictionary, but Should
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops right ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Office Talk
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. (alternate: Veal Fattening Pens)
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.
President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Suess
I did not do it in a car
Did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Suddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those state troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, buddy
I never did it to sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did I inhale.
Dating a Computer Science Major by Susan Book
When confronted with a computer science major outside of his natural
habitat beware. Yes without the computer screen to look at, they may be
unaccustomed to natural lighting. Be patient their eyes eventually will
adjust. Computer science majors are use to late night programming. Thus
caffeine is essential on a date. As you should never try to match out
drinking a frat boy, never try to out caffinate a computer science major.
You will never win.
Next, dress is not important. The very fact that you agreed to date is
conformation enough. Do not overly excite a computer science major. I'm
afraid they don't get out much and very seldom see a woman. For this very
reason they may compliment you on your fine choice of flannel shirts.
Computer science majors tend to not use the phone. In fact if they don't
have 2 phone lines getting through may not ever happen. E-mail is your main
method of communication. In that e-mail they may attempt to inform you of
their latest programming triumph. Do not let this behavior continue. If
allowed, you too may be sucked into the sick world of computer programming.
If for some reason during the date a network game or other video game is
used, there are several ways to deal with it. First just because he's
playing the game doesn't mean he isn't listening. Often times he actually
is and continues on the conversation. If in fact the behavior becomes too
intense either learn to play or drop him. This behavior is an addiction and
will not be easily quelled by a woman.
Their idea of fun may seem odd to most. If you're an incredibly active
person sometimes they can seem downright dull. However, computer science
majors are sometimes willing to do new things if asked. Most were high
school nerds who were just never asked. They are willing to do things
especially if there is a woman involved.
Computer science majors may at first make rude comments about a woman's
anatomy. This may be a result of environment perpetuated by science and
technology schools. This is completely normal. However in time they realize
they aren't very funny. They realize they will never get anywhere if the
behavior persists. This is motivation enough in almost all cases. A quick
kick in the area of their anatomy also works wonders.
The good thing about dating a computer science major is that they are
generally sweet creatures. Most I have found actually open doors and are
courteous. The decent ones even shower before a date. Please handle with
care. Computer science majors aren't use to being out in open spaces among
the living. They tend to be unaccustomed to the world of dating. So be kind
to a kind heart. Remember they have innate stalking capabilities, and make
sure the police can be easily accessed.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel
Service)
- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)
- My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)
- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
- "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to
miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)
- "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
- One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
- Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked
to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.
In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical
approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the
memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's
office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
"perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her
copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -and the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and
once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the
definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care
of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could
be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together
from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
Are YOU a problem thinker?
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at
parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though,
one thought led to another, and soon I was more than
just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself.
But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more
important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening
I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning
of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me
to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find
another one." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said,
"and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she
began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library,"
I snarled as I stomped out the door.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss
a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how
we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as
I stopped thinking.
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:
The myth is that men want
* Traci Lords in the bedroom,
* Julia Child in the kitchen,
* Hazel around the house,
* Lesley Visser during a game,
* Mary Poppins for the children,
* Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
* Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
* Mary Richards at work,
* Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
* Gertrude Stein in conversation,
* the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
* combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off,
* the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality?
Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of churchshoes. That's it.
TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Boy comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the 57th time?
FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blow job once in a while?
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh.... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want:
* Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
* Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
* Brad Pitt around the house,
* Brad Pitt during a game,
* Brad Pitt when they're sick,
* Brad Pitt in conversation,
* the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
* combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off
* the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size
of your head?
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
"God is my copilot. Unfortunately, we crashed in the Andes and I had to eat him."
Q: How do you get a goth out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
