What is a father, anyway?
Is it someone that provides a seed
to fertilize an egg
that will become
a child?
Or is it something more?


I suppose in many cases
the above is sadly the case...
For me, it was not.


My father and I did not always get along.
I'm sure that is the case
for many children.


My father did things with me
while I was growing up.
We went to baseball games together,
and even went fishing at Rockaway beach.
I don't remember catching anything,
but I do remember I enjoyed being with
my dad.


This is how I like to remember him...
for you see
he's no longer living.


In my memories, I remember his eyes of green...
how he loved to do crossword puzzles...
how he took me to "Playland at the Beach."
when I was small...
I remember watching the Oakland A's play
back in '71
when I was just thirteen.


Then, one day I remember my mom saying
my dad was complaining of shortness of breath
while cutting the grass,
and doing his gardening.
It seemed to come on so quickly...
One day he was fine,
the next he was not.


Soon he had to go in for tests...
and those tests found
that all the years of smoking
had taken their toll...


My father had emphysemia.


My parents lived several hours away
and when my dad got so bad
he had to go into the hospital
my husband and I went up to visit him...


I remember him lying there
hooked up to all those tubes and wires
unable to talk
due to the tube down his throat
helping him breathe.
And we all tried to act like
he'd be home soon,
not wanting to admit
it was worse than it seemed.


I remember saying goodbye that day
and leaning over him and hugging him tight
and telling him, "I love you daddy."
and I could see in his eyes
even though he couldn't speak
he felt the same way.
We promised to try to come back up
soon...


It was just over a week later
my mother called
and told me my father was gone...


He just gave up
and died in her arms...
I never got to see him again.
But I'm glad that when saw him last,
I told him that I loved him.


Those days come back
and the tears still fall,
but I try not to think
of how he was that last day...
I'd rather remember him long before


...taking me to baseball games...
teaching me how to fish...
doing crossword puzzles...
and best of all
just being my dad.


ShelPoems (c) 1997





The song playing in the background
is "The Dance," by Garth Brooks.


Ever since I saw Garth's video of this song,
it's reminded me of my father.

     "I could have missed the pain,
     but I'd have had to miss the dance."




Dedicated to:

Rollin Edward Fabian
June 16, 1925 - November 3, 1992
I love you daddy.





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