Here are some of my favorite jokes from the 'Reader's Digest'. |
Although Friends had warned us against it, my husband agreed
to teach me to drive. One day Greg and I were practicing parallel parking. After numerous
attempts and growing frustration, I succeeded in getting our car between two other
vehicles.
"Honey," I asked proudly, "how far am I from the curb?"
"Which curb?" he grumbled.
-- Marlene Claus (Cincinnati, Ohio)
|
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference
in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my
carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the
monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black
box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped
a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked. "One... two... three... four...," it
said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go, "four... three...
two... one...'?"
-- Contributed by Marcia L. Caldwell |
I'm a salesman for a large sporting goods store. One day a customer
called to find out if we carried horseshoes. The new clerk answering the phone wasn't sure,
so she turned to the paging intercom, "Shew department," she announced. "You have a call on line one."
-- Contributed by Bob Angelo |
When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that
the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments
if small items get lodged in the tubin, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked.
After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. "Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit.
Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."
-- Contributed by Mark L. Madden |
As an airport ticketing agent for Alaska Airlines in Portland, Oregon, I was working at the counter while my
colleague Tina was asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry
aboard the plane today?"
"No," said the woman.
"Did you pack your own suitcase?" Tina inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag.
"Yes," she answered.
"Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?"
"Well, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The thing keeps tipping over every time I pull on the handle.
-- Contributed by Laura Sparks |
I am the phone operator for a company that sells classic-car parts. When I am asked technical questions,
I am instructed to suggest that the caller contact someone local about the problem. One day, requesting information on a brake-fluid
pump, a customer complained, "I took it apart, but now I can't put it back together."
"Well sir, I am unable to help you," I said. "I suggest that you ask a local mechanic.
"Ma'am," he replied after a pause, "I am the mechanic!"
-- Contributed by Melissa Bowman |
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because
I procrastinate," says comedian Judy Tenuta. "I said, "Just wait.'" |
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had
become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the
couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally said. "We'll never get this in."
The neighbor looked at him quizically and said, "In?"
-- Coffee Break |
People who love golf have a big advantage over people who fish.
When golfers lie, at least they don't have to show anything to prove it.
-- Ron Dentinger |
Although I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned
how to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a
wonderful meal I'd had in Chinatown. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the
name of the restaurant, but was able to write the Chinese character
that was on the door and show it to my mother.
"Do you know what it says?" Mom answered with a smile. "It says 'Pull.'"
-- Barbara Mao (Richardson Springs, Calif.) |
