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Apart from this interview of course, eventually conducted after the Curse Of The Soundcheck---one of the perks of running a zine---when myself and the 'dog repaired to the bar in the Portland Arms, Cambridge, for a session with the Lazy Journalist machine. It's been a while since the interview automator last saw the light of day so for new readers here's the skinny: it's a Magic Robot board game doctored so that instead of giving the answers to selected questions, it generates questions from the unrelated words chosen by each band member. Some questions are purloined from Smash Hits, some are (tenuously) related to Clint Eastwood (because the robot looks a little like the rogue cowboy) and some have been generously donated by bands who've been interviewed by the board previously. I (Jim) take only a minimal role in the proceedings, the real stars being the LJ (of course), Steve , Phil, James (Toon shirt, bass), Chris (PhD, drums) and Annika (bus anecdotes, sings).
LJ: How did you get together, then?
Steve: The current line-up has only been going for about 9
months. Basically, me, Phil and Chris were all in the band before;
James joined to do the Kenickie tour because our previous bassist had
just started a new job---it was a real shame, we basically had to lose
him---but James managed to play about 15 songs in 2 week's worth of
training, so he's a hero. And Annika answered an advert after Hannah left
to study birds on an island in Greece. Annika was the first person we
saw and don't you love it when everything works out? The band itself
was just spawned from the punk scene in Newcastle, following
bands like Delicate Vomit and Kenickie and The Unseen.
Jim: How did your tour with Kenickie go?
S: It was really good fun.
Jim: Did you go down well? cos I think of the Kenickie audience as a
bit...erm...
All: [much laughter]
Annika:They're devils
Chris: 14 year old girls! But the great thing about the tour was that
I got to watch my favourite band play every night
Jim: And then they split up.
C: Yeah, but we knew that was going to happen.
Jim: Do you think you'd change if you had as much money and success as
Kenickie?
C: I don't think it changed them...
S: Oh, it did
C:...'cos me and Steve knew them before. Well, it didn't change Pete
and Lauren that much...
S: It depends what you do with your money, if you're snorting loads of
coke every night it's bound to change you, y'know....Erm, I'm not
saying that's what they did...
Jim: But is that what you'd do?
S: Hopefully not. I like to think I've got enough sense..I'd just buy
a solid gold house...
James: ...A rocket-powered car...
LJ: What do you think of the current drug laws?
Jim: Kind of apt, after the Kenickie thing...
Phil: Don't take currants
J: The come-down from currants is a bastard...I think they shouldn't
be legalised 'cos then the
government'd get all the money from tax.
Jim: So you'd rather the money went to Columbian drug barons
then?
S: I think I would, in a way
P: Think of all the hard work they put in...they should get an award,
bless 'em.
S: Can you imagine if the state sold drugs to its workers? We'd all be
workaday drones and that...[He takes a large and unintentionally
ironic swig of his pint. James raises his eyebrows] Ah, good
point.
C: On the other hand, as most Chief Constables would say, you'd
immediately eliminate most organised crime, criminality would fall
and a lot of estates would be sorted out straight away...
P: Make drugs really square, so it'd become like stamp collecting.
C:...but I don't expect anything to change 'cos Jack Straw's a
prat. I'm a Labour Party member, I'll probably get expelled now.
S: Slagging off people you've never met again, Chris.
C: Well, he's a fucking prick isn't he?
J: I wouldn't call Howard Marks a criminal
Jim: But you just said you'd keep all drugs illegal.
J: But I was just saying about Chris's point about the criminality
around drugs. Well, Howard Marks isn't a gun-toting...
C: Well, he isn't but if you go to Pennywell [Sunderland] and see the
drug dealers who've got control
of it, it's well....
Jim: It's getting a bit heavy now...
C: Well I am a politics student...
LJ: Would you appear on kid's TV on a Saturday morning?
C: Hmmm.
A: I would, it'd be mint.
C: The trouble is that our music is really adult...
J: X-rated!
C: ...it's about things kids wouldn't get though: fractured
relationships, politics, you name it.
S: I wouldn't mind going on Run the Risk
P: Tiswas used to have Motorhead on and that was by far the best kid's
pop music programme ever
C: I'd like to be the Agony Uncle. I think I'm quite a fount of wisdom.
S: I don't think you are, Chris.
Jim: Do you not all religiously watch Ant and Dec on a
Saturday morning?
All: No...never seen them (etc etc)
C: They do get seen around Newcastle.
S: I've met Ant, I was really drunk and I tried to get his
autograph. He gets loads of stick though, I mean, when he was in the
pub there was loads of lads coming up to him and putting his records
on the jukebox and saying "Haa, that's your record" but he deserves
it.
C: They've got a reputation as OK people though.
LJ: Who is Unforgiven?
S: I can't forgive Kenny Dalglish for the way he made Newcastle a very
poor side. But at the same time he took us to the FA Cup Final, so
maybe I can forgive him. Maybe the real thing is, I don't think the
media can be forgiven...
Jim: Media? I AM the Media
S: Well, err, the grass-roots media's alright...
A: The Sun's headline today is Clobber Slobber. That's not
forgiveable.
S: I think you can forgive anyone if you can find enough love in your
heart.
All: [collapse laughing]
Jim: That sounds like a Wedding Present song title..Do you see
yourself as a David Gedge character? The songwriter in a changing
line-up? Will you be doing this in 10 years with yourself and 4
session people?
P: It's like that now!
S: Nah, I don't look like David Gedge at all. I think it's kind of,
you do get bands who change line-ups, like Lemonheads and Dinosaur
Jr, maybe it' s because I'm a bit of an asshole and nobody wants to
stay in my band...Nah, hopefully we're settled the way we are.
LJ: What is Clint Eastwood's greatest film?
S: The Outlaw Josie Wales.
C: Is it as good as Twin Town?
S: I don't recall Clint Eastwood being in Twin Town.
C: He's not, but I just wanted to say that Twin Town's such a smart film
Jim: It's like a free-form interview, this, say whatever you like.
S: Star Wars!
Jim: He was good in Star Wars.
S: You could market this [interview board]...you'd make a million
Jim: What, out of fanzine writers?
LJ: Name the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
S: Milky Wimpshake are good, Billie is bad and...
P: ...Spraydog are Ugly.
S: Nah, Jimmy Nail is Ugly.
Jim: Back to the band though, Phil told me that only 3 out of 9 people
on the tour are geordies...
C: We're all geordies by arrival though.
Jim: Well, that's what I was going to say, seeing as one of
your best songs is "To the north," how did you all come to be in
Newcastle?
A: I moved there when I was seven.
P: I made a big mistake: Teeside Poly.
C: The thing about Newcastle is that seeing as it's the last place in
England, it's the kind of place that people fetch up...
Jim: So you're all the flotsam and jetsom of the music world, washed
onto the barren wasteland of the north?
C: In one way it is barren, there's no money there, there's not enough
bands, there's a lot of shit bands...but, cos we're a long way from
London, and because there's no scene like in Glasgow, people are very
individual in what they do. Take a place like Cardiff, right, they're
quite central and they don't have an independent scene...
Jim: ...Twin Town was a good film though...
C:...whereas we've had to learn to do it all for ourselves.
We now turn to the board constructed by bands themselves. It's only half-finished, so there's no words for the band to choose from---they have to make that bit up themselves and write it on as they play. All the questions have come from other bands.
S: [writes] Magma.
LJ: What's your best bus anecdote? (from Julie of John
Sims)
A: When I was 16 my bus got hijacked...
All: [astonished silence]
A: my mom said I had to be home every Friday night by half-eleven so
I'd always get the bus at 25-to-twelve. We got on the bus one night
and it was really late, the last bus coming home from Newcastle
and loads of people were just streaming on and the bus driver got so
sick of it that he said "Ah, fuck
this" and just walked off the bus leaving the keys in the
ignition. These two lads said "We'll take you
home" and no-one knew what was going on but the bus started slowly
moving and went the wrong way
round the roundabout and hit the underpass wall. Anyway, I got home
really late and my mom was
walking the streets looking for me. She said "where the hell have you
been?" so I said "I'm sorry but
the bus was hijacked" and she went "I've never heard such filth in all
my life!"
C: [writes] Cardiff
S: Chris thinks he's got a shag lined up there or something...
LJ: Describe your best groupie incident (from Attica
Blues)
All: [laughter]
J: The question's the same as the answer!
C: We played in Blackwoods with Kenickie and, well...
A: You got a shag.
C: ...I got a shag and made a very big friend in my life...
S: Go on, describe it in gory detail.
C: And she came up to Newcastle for a bit and we were getting on
really well, but then it turned out she had a boyfriend. But if
she's reading this, she's a really inspirational person and I love
Cardiff and everyone in South Wales...
Jim: It's not the Oscars...Right, last question.
A: [writes] Blondie
LJ: What finger would you use to wipe someone else's bum?
(from Richie of Cable)
J: A fish finger!
All: [laughter].
So there, as Barry Norman would say, you have it. In an industry where scratching other people's arses is practically an occupation, Spraydog possess the attitude to make it through relatively unscathed: keep a sense of humour, don't take yourselves too seriously, make music that makes you happy and be sure to have an unhealthy fascination with Cardiff. Ferric Mordant, 44 Malcolm Street, Heaton, Newcastle, NE6 5PL.
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