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As far as comics go, nobody's got the one-liner down like Steven Wright. Here are some of my favourites:
 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh...
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
The sky already fell. Now what?
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that.
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarean section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
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