I don't know what it is exactly, but I just keep getting angrier and angrier.

I know it's a combination of a lot of things. That fact that as a kid I got beat up a lot. The fact that in an institute of ‘higher learning', you fit the status quo or you don't fit anywhere.

I know that it's alot to do with the type of scum that I see around me everyday, and in fact, the kind of scum that sleeps in the bed next to mine at night. The kind that would treat others around them in a vicious close-eyed view, where it's laugh at my jokes or be laughed at... and it's put out or get out. And there's never a second thought, or a blink of an eye about it.

I may sound close minded sometimes. I may joke about categories of people, like ginos, like females... but they receive equal treatment from me, they really do. I give the chance that I do not receive. I meet and greet, and more often than not I do not get a pleasant surprise at the integrity of their character, I am not astonished at how moral they are, and I am not ready, set and gone into a relationship with them, just because on the surface we may have some similar traits. My friends are few and far between, yes that is a fact. Whether that makes me something of a ‘loser' or not is really not something that bears much weight with me. I cannot comfortably be friends with someone I know is a cheater and a liar. Nor someone who is too weak, like an alcoholic, or someone equally as feeble minded. It pollutes me when I have contact with these types of people, and that is something that I do at least have slight control over. To a certain extent I can limit the human trash that I am exposed to.

Lately I've been wrestling with the concept of good. I've always conceded that the good cannot exist without the bad, but that still does not explain why things that are good are so sparse about me, and really, this world. Sometimes I think it is easier to be ‘bad', and that is the sole reason. Sometimes I think it is simply a genetic fluke when someone with a heart, conscience and sense of responsibility comes along. Something like when a child is born with an extra finger... and because it is irregular, the surgeon takes steps to lop it off... to make the child more like himself... much the way a society at large seems to haul out the spiritual guillotine to separate a good, just soul from it's body... and making that body one more of it's heartless cohorts supporting the ‘easy' things... the love of money and material gain, the ability to walk over everyone else in order to get them... and then still sleep soundly at night, knowing (or not knowing, but ignoring) the damage they have done throughout the day.

Also lately, I've been having hot and cold running thoughts on how I feel in general. I wrote an article some would see as mean a short time ago, and it made me feel good. It was a change from a recent passive string of events. After that, I thought that maybe I just enjoyed being mean. But now I've come to realize it is not quite being mean, but more along the lines of justice. When you are being insulted, there is no real cause not to reply in kind. To sit there and take it... to sit there and take it is to be a doormat, and those who would insult you and get away with it will only do it to you again, and then to others as well. Vengeance wreaked upon those who really do deserve it is no crime. The opposite, non-action in the face of a wicked, non-justifiable act... this is the crime. I am not saying you punch your neighbor in the face for playing his music too loud (though I would like to right now), but you do the return the favour. You coat his doorknob in Vaseline, you cough over the handle when you are sick, you shoot shaving cream under his door. The punishment must suit the crime. I was abused in a written manner by someone who had no business criticizing anyone, because of her lack of basic perception skills, so in turn, I wrote a more organized article exposing her idiocy. Critics get criticized, murders get murdered. Rapists... well, rapists also get murdered and if you don't agree with me on that particular idea you should leave this site right now. I do NOT want you here if you don't believe that rape is the second highest abuse of a person and shouldn't be punished in the same manner as murder.

The time for retribution is at hand, not just for me, but for all 5 of the rest of you in the world who are decent people in action and at heart.

So yes, I still don't know what it is exactly, but I do just keep getting angrier... and angrier.

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