Get your own Free Home Page
If half the world exploded into a flaming ball or rock and trees tomorrow, I don't think I'd get too upset.
The way things are going lately... fuck. Just 'fuck'. And you know, I really haven't complained about things for quite a while now... I've walked around trying to be very positive and very happy with a concrete shit-eating grin plastered over my face, and I've just about had enough, for fucks sake.
You know, I've been trying to be optomistic, and I was doing well, I really was. I was making a dent on being really happy, on being content, etc etc, but fuck that for now. I can reach nirvana another fucking time, I think.
Well what are you talking about John? You've got a great life going. You're obviously privelaged, you've got a computer, internet access, some new $200 boots... you're sitting pretty! Well fuck that. Fuck all that for now, because I have that shit because I worked for it and because I do what I have to to get by, while trying not to depend on anyone else for anything other than a roof over my head. Now you can get all technical and shit, with the electricity and phone and water and fuckity fuck fuck... and you can also EAT ME, because I'm in a bad mood and stay the fuck out of my way.
So now that I've quelled you mouthy assholes and taken you from immeadiate criticism, listen up. Here's what I'm pissed at. Read it or don't, I don't fucking care, I just need to write or I'll have a fucking stroke.
I get shit on. Every day of my stupid life I get shit on by numbskulls that think they're better than me in countless ridiculous ways that have nothing to do with anything other than coincidence and cocksuckingness bullshit. Excuse me if I invent some words, dicksmack.
What started all this? I don't know. And at this point it's not that worthwhile to try to remember anything through my BLINDING RAGE, you know?
So late last night, my dad comes home completely wasted. He's 54, he goes out every night of every weekend and gets completely smashed. He gets on my case, which is nothing new, especially while he's drunk. One little line sets him off..."Watch the phone cord!" which he was about to trip over. So that, me looking out for his drunken safety gets him going on a 20 minute speech about how worthless I am, about what an asshole I am. how disrespectful I am, how hard to live with I am and whatever other crap he could think of, which is, of course, complete bullshit. And I know none of it's true, but it still got to me. And in a way that made me re-examine the past whole of my life. Of how I got to/get to live in fear all my stupid life over one psychotic drunk who likes to think he's a big fucking man. He thinks I'm the root of all evil, he thinks that I cause all his problems. Well it's not my fault that he let a stupid woman that he had known for a month move into the house and cause him to fall apart. She's the alcoholic that's bothering you, not me. She's the one who succumbs to dementia every now and then, forgets where she is, forgets where you are, etc... not me. She's the crazy one, she's the drunk, she's the FLAMING IDIOT WHO CAN'T work the front door lock properly, she's the one who wets her fucking pants. But there's no correcting my dad. There's no talking sense into him when he's sober... and just plain no talking when he's drunk. Oh no. Not if you want to retain your vision in both eyes. No. But he tells me that I need to grow up and show more respect. How can you show respect to someone who threatens children and drinks away his problems? To someone who you find passed out in all manner of positions the morning after. Someone twofaced and rotted out. How do you show someone so completely not worthy of ANY respect any kind of respect-crust? You just can't. He complains about money and more money, about me leeching. Well I never asked for any cash from him. All I asked for were a couple things that don't cost a cent. Privacy and to be left alone. I'm not a very social person. I like being left alone in my room. I like it a lot. But he just wouldn't have that. And then when he would come and talk to me, it would be MY fault that he got all pissy with me. I TOLD him I prefer to be left alone, and not just for my sake. If people leave me alone, then I don't anger them. It's a simple concept... but it's one that he can't grasp. And the reason I don't say anything to his girlfriend is that I don't have anything remotely nice to say to her. He can't understand that me keeping my mouth shut is a GOOD thing for him and her. And me. Because then I don't have to hear about it later from complete fools.
Hey, speaking of fools (maybe I'll come back to this later, maybe not), there's one of my good old pals. Here's a situation for you. I'm over at this friend of mine's place, having some dinner. I wasn't going to eat, but what they were making did start to smell good and I hadn't eaten all day, and I had just given them a ride home from the mall, so I partook in the meat-free meal. During such a meal, for no apparent reason other than my cheekyness, and lust to have a good, boistering time, I lean over to the guys girlfriend and ask, "Hey, do you know anyone I can have sex with?". And I guess neither of them heard me, or heard me well. Oh hell, I know neither of them heard me correctly, because of what happened. They asked me to repeat what I said, and since the moment had passed, I refrained. So they decided on their own what I had said, and they decided upon this: "Hey, wanna go somewhere and have sex?" And I've been informed now that I'm lucky I wasn't 'thrown down the stairs' or 'punched in the face' at a later date. And of course, the Mr. Hearing in question is insane nad has lost his mond over this, proclaiming that I'm eternal scum for saying something I didn't even say. And he's such a retard that he'll never actually realize that I didn't say anything of the sort (and have no desire to sleep with his girlfriend). So there's that too. Old friends on my case for being an asshole, when I've just been the same me that I always have, and that they must be changing too much and taking themselves way too fucking seriously.
I aint felt right since I got my ass dumped. That's just something that's so obvious and honest I don't even know why I"m writing about it. But I am, because I haven't covered it very well til now. Maybe my head's just way too cluttered, but I don't even remember why the hell we really broke up. And yeah, single life is alledgedly filled with great shit... but I don't want it. I want to be loved and cared about by fucking *SOMEONE* instead of just rotting away lifelessly the way I am. I feel so alone that I can't stand it anymore. I feel like a terrible person that forces anyone that cares half a shit about me far far away. I don't know, I guess this break-up has just brought a lot of really harsh realizations into my life. Like the fact that there's never going to be anything or anyone that's just mine forever. Like that I'll never get over the girls and relationships and loves of my past, and they'll always be my greatest day to day pains and they're failures that are going to always stay close to my heart. There's so many things. Like that I can't let go. I've pretty much proven that to myself considering when I hear my last ex speak or type any guys name I cringe and get this dull thudding throb in my throat and my head starts to fog up and not be clear. Especially whenever I hear the name "Chris", her one night stand. I just lose it and have to change the subject. And I'm not always in control. I love being in control, and when we're talking in control of myself I almost always am %100. And it seems there's been nothing that's remotely angry enough for me to empathize with. I mean, I go to this place called the Kingdom every Friday just about, and there's some good angry music... but it's just not enough for what I feel at myself, and at all the other little things that make me feel like such a failure in life and love and anything else that matters. I'm so full of myself a lot of the time and think that I can do anything... and it seems so right to think that way because really, I do have a chance, and one chance is all anybody EVER got to make something of themselves, and so many people have done it... so why not me? But it never is me. And I try hard to overcome how badly I feel, and it works now and then, but only for a short while, because there's nowhere I can share my pain that's this intense. Yeah, the loud angry music helps... but not fully. There's some major fucking scarring going on on my soul, and there just doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try and I try, but it's never to any fucking avail! I want to be friends with this ex of mine, and I try but... it just hurts so much. So there's nothing I can do about it... because as much as it hurts there's something in me that will never allow me to give on in fucking anything! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? Never giving up? Always going full steam ahead? It's impossible, but I keep doing it. Nothing helps. I feel so damned alone and angry and despaired, and nothing helps more than a bandage would. So yeah, I'm much more upset about the dumping of me than even I thought I would be when I loved and lost again. Nights in tears and days in hazes, not noticing what the fuck is even going on around me. And the advice I get from the source of the pain, "Oh just get over me". I guess it's been a little easier for her, eh?
People are getting ass and I'm not one of them. You know, if you can't get any real affection, you think you could at least go out and fuck, right? That'd be the ideal thing. But I just can't bring myself to do it. It's my own stupid moralities that I don't want to push on anyone, because really they're ridiculous for this day and age where everyone's off fucking their brains out. And I'm just not able to do it. My prime fucking years here, and I just can't bring myself to go whoring when it's so easy for anyone else. Just... to be touched. A loving touch is one of the best things there is... but just a touch is such a wonderful thing too. And no one wants to touch me. It makes me feel like more of a leper than anything else. No one wants to. I'm not a bad looking guy... I can be pretty charming, pretty romantic, I'm intelligent... and here I am. Cold and alone. Or rather, in this bullshit weather, fucking burning up and alone. No one wants to fuck me, touch me of love me. Now wouldn't that piss you off?
I'm supposed to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life when I don't even know what colour I want my HAIR? Get a job, get a career, move out, live at home, go to school... which do I fucking do?! I can't even take a damned week off here it seems. Not without pressure coming from frigging everywhere to do SOMETHING that may or may not be what I actually want to do! Lately in particular I've been wrestling with the question of whether I should just say fuck it and move out and not go to school, or stick around and try to put up with this bullshit and work to go to school. It's not an easy choice at all. I could afford to move out right now... but not move out and go to school. So what do I do? Do I possibly forfeit a bright future for some peace of mind on my own? Or do I go insane and save money? Here's the scariest part. Lately it's been bad enough that I've been trying to think of how I could actually kill my father. How I could do it and get away with it. And I'm not sure anymore if I'm joking about it to myself. It chills me to the bones. And then there's getting another job. I can't do auditions or interviews. There's just something that always fucks up. And there's no jobs hiring for things that I can actually do anyhow, so I probably should wait to bitch about the interviews when I get one. Nooooo future, noooooo future, noooo future for you!
So here I sit. Alone in my room with no prospects, no future, no contact with anyone, basically. Trying to make a difference but failing miserably, because I can't seem to help anyone for much more than 5 minutes. And helping people is just... one of the things I want to do. It makes me feel like I'm important, useful... but I just haven't been able to do it. Yet still I go on, putting other people ahead of me, hoping that maybe if I can just maybe help this person then I'll start to feel better, and less like the angry, screaming, depressed asshole that I am. I got me a real Cobain thing going tonight, eh? But it's true. I just haven't felt the thrill of things that I should. Like, I should still be high off the pain from my ear piercings, and especially should still be radiant about my boots, but that's just not the case. The little things haven't amused me lately.
And then there's life. Just life in general. If there's something available to trip over, I'll trip over it. If there's three cheeseburgers lined up and one has salmonella, I'll pick that one. General, can't do anything right things that really burn into me. And even the concept of life... and of how fair it isn't. Well life isn't fair! you say. Well do you know why it's not? Life isn't fair because assholes make it that way. If only good hearted people lived on this rock... oh man. I wouldn't even have to write a webpage. But still I worry about people thousands of miles away and how they feel, and about the general mood of the planet and what I can do for other people. How fucked up is that? How fucked up am I? Exactly.
So this is the end. If you read it... well, I don't know why you did. But if you did, maybe it made you mad and maybe you think I'm a whiner. If so, fuck you. Anymore I don't complain about very much. I've been very positive about everything, and what it's gotten me is sleepless, crabby and yelled at. I don't think there's a point to this writing. I'm just fucking pissed is all.
What do I want then? What do I want to happen? Complete world peace. A runner up? Well, how about this? I'd like my dad to fucking wake up and realize what's going on, followed by the kicking out of the girlfriend. Then I'd like to get over any and all shit I'm feeling, stop feeling how I do in regards to my ex and how she talks about guys, start to feel affection and feel like ME again.
It sounds like a dream, and it is. It won't come true in the least. I'll be a troll forever at the mercy of imbeciles, so everyone can eat shit.
Get your own Free Home Page