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Everything is in disarray. Yesterday the world was an old sleeping dog you can't help but smile at as you pass by. Today... today is brash and noisy like a chainsaw with thick blood choking up the gears. I may not go to university. I got my report card today. More than one old flame has re-appeared in my life, confusing the hell out of me. The insidious bitching of my family begins anew tomorrow. I am in shambles. I have no prospects, and I am nothing now. All I have is this horrible manic-depressive disorder, which right now feels like it is simply depression, without the fun part. I want to be held tightly into the bosom of a loved one and be hushed into silence and told over and over, "It's okay, things will turn out." And I want to believe her. I do not know which furrows my brow more, the fact that I want this, that I want to be lied to or that there is no one here to lie to me. Take me away. Take me away from grades and parents and sleeplessness and work. But no one will. I am afraid, so afraid. I'm afraid like I was when I used to get my panic/stress attacks, didn't know what they were and feared for my life. I have one chance at life, and that is so far fetched I surely won't get anywhere. All I have is me, and that is hardly enough. A weak welp with a broken heart and no future? Who wants to hold a carcass like me in their arms? I am so sad, so scared. I never thought it was too much to ask for someone, for one person to really care and love me. Now, reading those words over, I see it has the promise of being quite difficult indeed. It would be painful, almost self-destructive and just plain STUPID to care about me. Not when people can care about themsleves anyway. And I sit, with a sombre rainy face. Its all I can do right now, alone... in a messy tossed salad of doubt, self-pity and general hopelessness. It's probably just the teenager talking, but for some reason, I just don't think so. What a world. (sigh)
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