The Rhetorical Questions FAQ
Why the hell don't you grow up?
Why don't you move on with your life? Why are you living in the past?
Stop whining about your life and live it!
Do you hate girls? If so, why, if not, why not? What's with the girls vs.?
You gay or something? Homophobic?
Why are you such an asshole?
Why are you so negative?
What's your philosophy on life?
Punk, eh? Don't you listen to anything else?
I find it to believe anyone actually likes you. Do these people exist?
I find it hard to believe anyone actually dislikes you. Do these people exist?
When are you planning on actually ruling the world, dickhead?
What are you like in person?
What give you the right to say/think/do...?
Do you like pissing people off or something?
Do you think the world revolves around you or something?
Do you think you're always right?
How old are you, anyway? You seem about 5.
You're a fuckin' bastard.
Are you desperate for attention or something?
If you think the people who leave you messages are stupid, why do you concern yourself with them, smart guy?
Everyone has problems, don't you realize that?
Do you actually like anything/anyone other than your little group of friends?
Q. Why the hell don't you grow up?
A. This question has two answers, that kind of contradict each other but are both true. The first is that I don't want to. The second is that I already have. Don't worry your pretty little heads, I'm going to explain.
When you grow up, you get all sorts of wonderful conditions and diseases. Your cares turn from innocent pleasure to work and money, to climbing over others at any cost to reach the lonely, lonely top. You get lung disease and cancer, your eyes grow dim and weary, your heart weakens physically and emotionally... it's all just a bad scene in general. But of course, most of you wonder on the non-physical side of things why I ‘don't grow up'. And my answer of course, is that I have. Believe it or not, I'm one of the most mature and developed people you can meet. I understand my responsibilities. I am just and fair. I take revenge on those I deem worthy of it. If justice isn't a mature trait, I don't know what is. I suppose it may seem I just wander around doing cruddy things and saying terrible things to whoever may cross my path. This is in fact, false. Dear reader, you must trust me that my judgement is accurate in these areas. I do not wreak havoc among the innocent. I was innocent for a time myself, you know. And it was great. But then I got the lions share of ‘gentle ribbing and teasing'. Which I suppose leads to the next question...
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Q. Why don't you move on with your life? Why are you living in the past?
A. I have and don't. I don't assume people read all of my writings, and for that reason, I try to provide a little history to the ones that can use it. Such is the case with the Stupid Bitch, for example. I write how she disturbed my life in an effort for the reader to understand where I'm coming from in the things I say. In this way I have to reference to the past, you see? I most definitely do not live in the past. I look forward to the future more than most people I know, and I am always trying to lose myself in the moment. Writing is much easier, and much more fun when you just start doing it in that manner. I actually write this page for fun, you know. These pages I write, they don't take very long at all (and if you're a true hater of me you'd use the phrase "and it shows" at the end of that sentence). I sit down and type when something is gnawing at me, or something just needs to come out, or just when I'm bored!
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Q. Stop whining about your life and live it!
A. That's not a question, but that's okay... moron. If I didn't ‘live my life', then I'd have nothing to write about. This one goes along with something I said in the last entry. I don't spend hours upon hours writing about these piddly things. Some of them I put serious thought into, some I don't, it's just that simple. People seem to look at this the way they look at a newspaper. They look for facts and facts and someone to tell them numbers and pretty things. This is no newspaper. This is a glorified journal, or diary. This is objective as according to me. If you must think of it in newspaper concerns, flip through to the letters to the editor page. That's what this is. Those people ‘live their life', and so do I.
Plus I don't think I'm whining.
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Q. Do you hate girls? If so, why, if not, why not? What's with the girls vs.?
A. Ooh, that's a good one. Okay. This one varies. It really has a lot to do with mood. A lot of the time all girls can seem exactly the same. So can guys. I can admit that, it's no big deal to me. I get a girlfriend, she shits all over me, I feel bad about girls. I get a girlfriend, she's good to me, I feel good about girls. But overall, I don't hate the person, I hate the mindset or the actions. As I have before, I'll give an example of something a little clearer. There's this Bible verse about homosexuals. It says how God hates the act, but does not hate the man. Well, that's me. I hate the actions, not the girls. I also hate many male attributes, but I really think there's enough webpages out there crucifying males. Yes, I hate that a large population of males are out for the sweet sweet pussy and nothing else, I really do. It may also be true that the destructive shrew women are unaware they're being bitches. Completely possible. The girls vs writings are just something I write to blow off steam. They're actually mostly for me and TMOI, really. A lot of girls love the girls vs section, I get more positive comments from females than from males on it.
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Q. You gay or something? Homophobic?
A. Nah. Thought about it the first, but I just couldn't hack it. Homophobic? Not quite. I think we're all a little lesbian. I point out hot guys to my girlfriend and she does the same with girls. It's fun.
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Q. Why are you such an asshole?
A. Why do birds sing? Why are you reading this? Why do you think of yourself as what you think you are? It's all fate and nature. Where as one person thinks I'm an asshole, someone else thinks I'm hilarious. One persons god is another persons devil. I'll use the words of another once again... "Because I spank sacred cows, I tend to upset the tight-sphinctered people who worship them." - Adam Thrasher, author of Space Moose. I see me probably somewhat the same way you see you, you know. Believe it or not, I'm human. I'm not just the words on this page. I could say that ‘society has made me into an asshole', but while it's true it's just too cliche. I get angry about things, more so than most do. It seems people take things far too seriously. Sarcasm and humour about important topics seems to be something of the past. Through everything, however, I still stand by the fact that this page and my thoughts within are yet to offend anyone who is actually intelligent. Another part to the matter is that many find my shit-picking behaviour enjoyable and funny... until it rests upon something they disagree with or hold dear to them. Then they turn on me like rotisserie chicken. Curious.
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Q. Why are you so negative?
A. There's cynical and there's negative. I have symptoms of one and the other is in remission, I'll let you guess which is which. I don't understand how people so often misinterpret anything that is angry or serious as being ‘negative'. The people who get angry about things are the people most likely to change them, or inspire change in others. Part of the problem of me being ‘negative' is some people's inability to recognize and understand sarcasm. Alternately, when I use humour to demonstrate a point people ask me if I take anything seriously. Quite a spectrum.
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Q. What's your philosophy on life?
A. I like it. I really do. I kind of get high on emotions. Any emotion to me is a good one. I can't explain it, they just get to me a whole lot. Emotions are my drugs. A point to life? To enjoy it without infringing on others. A life not enjoyed is worth precisely as much as a steaming heap of dog shit. I appreciate life. Even when I'm so horribly depressed I can't get out of bed, I appreciate that I am alive, not rotting in a box across the road in the graveyard. Life is short, it really is. It needs to be enjoyed as much as possible. That means finding fun where others don't for me. It means making actions deliberate, or deliberately asinine anyhow.
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Q. Punk, eh? Don't you listen to anything else?
A. I do. What do I like? Well, I have albums by Garbage, weezer, NIN, Nirvana, Headstones, Violent Femmes, Beck, Soundgarden and 54 40. If it's not punk I usually like it offbeat.
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Q. I find it to believe anyone actually likes you. Do these people exist?
A. Yep. I actually presently even have a girlfriend, even. People seem to either love me or hate me, and which of course there are more hates than love, but that really doesn't bother me. I find those who criticize me horribly to be lacking very much in their arguments as to why they feel such a dislike. And yes, you guessed it... I find that pretty funny. If you still don't believe me, read the very first entry in my guestworld guestbook. THAT is the reason I keep doing this. I repeat, read that guestbook entry. The chance to be able to be the person I am to some people is one I will not ever overlook or take for granted.
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Q. I find it hard to believe anyone actually dislikes you. Do these people exist?
A. Ah, bless your heart, but yes they do. I can't make people like this up. People want to shut me up, often violently. Well, you can beat the shell about me but you can't touch what's inside, as I've heard a person say. But thank you. I'm sure you'll turn on me soon enough, however. It's just inevitable.
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Q. When are you planning on actually ruling the world, dickhead?
A. Maybe on one of my birthdays. That'd be a nice present.
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Q. What are you like in person?
A. That depends on what kind of person you are in person. If you're nice to me on the surface, I'll probably be nice to you on the surface. If you're nice all through, I'll be nice to you all through. If you outright hate me... well, I wouldn't recommend that actually, but it's been known to happen. I adjust to the people around me when I first meet them, when I'm trying to figure them out. I don't change, I just adjust slightly. I may tone myself down at first, just so I can figure out if you're someone I want to be around. There are worthwhile people who just can't take my full madness. The more quiet reserved type, that thinks a lot to themself and doesn't feel the need to inform people about what they think unless they ask. I've met a few like that. Mostly girls, though. So yes, it depends on what kind of person you are. If you're trash, I'll let you know. If not, I'll let you know. If you're very uninteresting to me, I just won't pay attention to you. Now now, don't be bitter, you do the same if you have the guts to. But in general, usually I'm shy at first til I get to know you, or til you get to know me.
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Q. What give you the right to say/do/think...?
A. God, freedom of speech, and Canada. I speak my mind and I question yours. That's the only way any of us are going to learn anything about each other. Creeping around topics and words does nothing for anyone except keep a useless, over-glorified general consensus of things hanging around being stagnant, and letting people refrain from thinking about things. I hope the fact that you ask me this question means you're actually thinking about things for you, and notnotnot for the public at large. Don't try to speak for other people, just speaking for yourself can be hard enough sometimes. I don't say anything about things I know nothing about either. I always know about what I'm talking about, so don't assume I'm going on nothing, or a hunch.
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Q. Do you like pissing people off or something?
A. Short answer yes, long answer yes with a but. In fact, I do get enjoyment out of it, hence the writings about the Stupid Bitch and other such deficient individuals. The Bitch knows about my page, and I just imagine the look on her face when she reads it. That's comedy! So, the ‘yes, but' answer. I do, but most of the time I don't write just for that response. I write to try and comfort and enlighten. As much as some people don't want to admit it, there ARE other people like me out there, and when one of them stumbles across someone saying what they've thought all along, it's very comforting.
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Q. Do you think the world revolves around you or something?
A. Now this really is a stupid question that gets asked far too often. Of course not. It revolves around the sun, stop asking this one you retards. The world doesn't, but my webpage does.
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Q. Do you think you're always right?
A. Don't you? If you thought something was wrong, you wouldn't say it, would you? Think of this page as writing a test. When you write a test, you fill answers you're sure are right. The results of the test come back according to how much thought and research you've put into your answers. There is a very high incidence of me being very, very right.
So yes, most of the time I do, actually.
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Q. How old are you, anyway? You seem about 5.
A. Yes, that's exactly right, I'm 5 years old.
I was born in October of 1979. A five year old doesn't masturbate as much as me.
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Q. You're a fuckin' bastard.
A. Well, almost, yes. Close enough for me anyhow. I have a father, but was born as a mistake, out of wedlock, which I think is actually kind of cool when you think about it. It's another reason I enjoy life... I wasn't supposed to have one at all.
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Q. Are you desperate for attention or something?
A. You know, I'm actually not sure on this one. I mean, in high school I was in drama and was pretty much the main attraction my school had. I do like to perform, I was in a band that went up in front of the school too. I don't know of that qualifies me as a glory hog or not though. I like talking about me, but I also like hearing about other people as well. I like to think if I was desperate for attention I'd be one of those people who spams my URL in chats and posts it on every bulletin board there is and tells everyone I know about it. But I don't do any of those. I guess if I am seeking attention, well... at least I put on a good show, now don't I? It's all for you.
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Q. If you think the people who leave you messages are stupid, why do you concern yourself with them, smart guy?
A. Because I feel it's my duty... and sometimes I just get bored. Plus showing people where they're wrong and where they're right is always a good thing to do. It also passes the time when I feel like writing, but there's nothing to write about. I'm always getting people to try and see things my way, but it never happens. I see things from other people's perspectives all the time, but few want to return the favour back to me.
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Q. Everyone has problems. Don't you realize that?
A. Of course I realize that. And everyone has their own way of dealing with them. This is my way. This is my page, my journal, my diary. I let my feelings and thoughts out here, and it helps me to solve my problems. Try something for me. Next time you have a problem, write it out. Then you'll see how much better you feel from it. In my group of friends, I'm the one they go to for help often times. That leaves me with no place to go but here. If I didn't let it out here, who knows where it'd find it's release? I'd probably go insane, get carted off to an institution, and your tax dollars would be paying my free way into a rubber room. So yes, it's true... this web page may actually saving you money right now. Wow, eh?
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Q. Do you actually like anything/anyone other than your little group of friends?
A. You bet your bitter, judgemental ass I do! I like clipping my finger and toe nails (seriously), eating, sleeping, bass guitars, Volkswagens, chains, upc codes and tombstones. As far as people go, yes I do. I like lots of people. Maybe not as many as some, as I am kind of picky in that I try not to associate with idiots on any depth... and that is a rather large demographic. Hmn, people that I like that aren't quite considered 'friends' I guess here would include my sociology professor, Ian the midget, the girl in purple with purple hair, Richard B. the actor, and the one cashier at the Crocodile Grill. As for non-university personell, I like the general manager of my theatre company, the stage manager, Greg Graffin, my moms friend Tammy, trick-or-treaters that wear good costumes, Maygan in Hicktown and Pixie in BC.
I think it's quite a stupid question though. People you like you turn into your friends... but I do get asked this question. Odd. You try telling me who you like that aren't your friends. It aint that easy.
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