The story of the night of a thousand cokes


I read something once, or saw it on tv or in a movie somewhere, I don't know where it was, I have a terrible memory for that kind of thing. Anyways, it was about relationships and patterns of thinking. The example was a couple in bed, the female of the couple remarked, "I'm thirsty." So the male leaves and gets her a drink. Wrong. She would have preferred if he had stayed with her and comforted her saying, "I sympathize with your thirst". It was to show that males are problem solvers, who think straight ahead, but women sort of aren't. They don't really want their problems just solved by us, but that is what we hear. We hear of a problem and we just want to solve it right away. Hmmn, thats a segue I didn't even intend when I started writing this. It leads right into me just wanting to solve my problem and be done with it. But this is like calculus to a second grader. This is Jim-Bob the inbred mechanic fixing a NASA shuttle... this is a high school student dealing with life. Ugh... where to start? Hmmn, I guess it starts last week. It starts with the addition of a page to this website, and of course... people misunderstanding me. By the way, I've come to the conclusion that as long as I say any damn thing at all, cryptic or not, I'll be nisunderstood by the person I want most to understand. It's Murphys Law, which I am now officially claiming as my own law. I'll call it Doc Obvious' Law... no, maybe Anonymous' Law. Ahh shit, I can't even give it a good name. But anyhow, as a result of this gross misunderstanding, I actually changed something, the initial BREM rant. I refined it to what I hoped wouldn't spawn any more misunderstandings.

What the hell was I thinking?

Guhkh... you know, I almost did a really good job refining the raw anger vs rational thought the second time over. But here's my main problem. One girl in particular had a great problem with the page, and took it as a personal insult to her. So, in a rather mischievious manner I'm sure, she sent the unrefined page to her cousin. Now this doesn't sound too dastardly, I know. Give me a minute. Heh, her cousin... good friend to another girl. Double heh... her cousin... good friend to the initial girl I've fawned and fumbled over from day one at WORK.

Now just take a moment to reflect on this for me. The way I see it in my closed male point of view, I just got my ass kicked. The girl with the problem... fuck this could get confusing... okay, this girl I'll call Sarah, she's someone I actually know here in town, right? She takes her anger at me and stretches it across a couple of fairly unrelated boundaries. See, how I see it, this girl Sarah really jumped a level on me... affection girl, work girl sees the unrefined anger page and NOTHING ELSE. She doesn't see any other postings I've put up about her. I guess it's just as well, if she had seen the page earlier, she'd think I was an asshole who was obsessed with her, but she sees me as an asshole who hates her because of the circumstances. Here's how it happened last night at work. Her and I are cleaning a table, and she asks how it's going, apart from the obvious. The obvious? Huh? I didn't know quite what she meant by that. So I ask her, what's the obvious?
'Well let me put it this way, do you have a computer? You ever go on the internet?'
Oh shit. I just stopped. A couple thousand thoughts hit me all at once and almost physically knocked me over. What did she see? How much of it? Did she get to see anything else? But the main question didn't even come to me... which version did she see? Aww fuck. So, I just burst out laughing, and continued half the night like that. I mean, I had been so phenominally screwed it was amazing! I never even thought that she saw the first one, didn't cross my 'mind'... I mean, I had changed it rather quickly actually. No such luck. Johnny's Law strikes again. She saw the first one, and actually had a copy of it with her. Probably so I couldn't deny it, as if I would. So I laughed. It was all I could do, either that or scream and start throwing things. I laughed and couldn't stop, because there was no way in hell she'd let me explain. Nuh uh. And it was sort of the end of my way of life right there. See, here's how it is for me. Work was the last place I had. Home was destroyed long agon... light years ago. School was a bust, with all the pointless unrelenting homework and and everyone judging me because of how I look. I have few good friends not away at university, so going out amidst conflicting schedules in basically impossible. That left work, that I always felt comfortable at. I could be alone if I wanted and just sweep the floor by myself, or if I was in an exhibitionist mood, I could satisfy that urge too. Good people work there. I think the only one I really have a distaste for is the manager... and the owner. Other than that, it was great. I always looked forward to it. But now it's sort of shattered, isn't it? In effect, the last portion of my life that was worth living has been snuffed out, because of one girl and a misunderstanding. My God. Work girl actually said to me, "I didn't think you hated me this much." I wanted to cry, but there would be enough of that later. How could I even start to plead that I didn't/don't? Now I can still only shake my head. Reality is sort of clouded at this point. So, before she left, I confronted her and asked if she would like me to try to explain or if it would just be better to leave me as an asshole. She said I could if she thought she was worthy of an explanation. Fuck, I wanted to just strangle her, you know? Like, yeah... I can't even explain my frustration at that point. So I tried my best to explain, I always fumble for words around her normally, so you can imagine how rocky my explanation was. But of course, if I could actually talk to her, then I wouldn't like her... thats just the irony of my life. Last night was classic of classic examples of how things go wrong. So with that done, and her seeming very tired and unconvinced, she left, giving off "I give up" vibes. I just kept drinking cokes. I don't know whatit was, my mouth was always dry, I just kept drinking cokes. I've got those waves of giving up pouring off me right now. So that was that I guess. I implored her to get a real version of the page, and some of the other things on it too... but she says from what she heard that the other stuff wasn't very nice either. Okay, I don't know what you consider mean, but is, "lips the colour of a pink winter's sky" bad? I didn't think so, but hey, people will think and tell what they want, won't they? I guess. She said it didn't matter to her, really... but it matters to me. If I did hate her then things would be fine, I could easily live with that, right? The point is, this page... I made this page to blow off steam, and entertain while I was at it. I guess I just always assumed that other people would keep it as secretive as I do for some reason. Of all the times to see the page, of all the people to see it too, I don't know why with my luck it took this long. Wait, yes I do. It had to be after something negative was said, that was the key. See, males, we have that logic problem solving thing... but they have communication skills. So now I'm at something of a crossroads, where once again my fate and future doesn't really have too much to do with me. I feel like Persephone all the time. If y'aint up on your myth-o-logy, she's the greek chick with the gift of prophecy, but as a curse no one ever believed her. Well, no one believes me. My friend TMOI does, but I mean, who else? No one can take me seriously, not in person. I try to make light of things by adding in little jokes and whatnot, it's just easier on my poor coping skills that way. I mean, how many stupid jokes did I put into this, or the other initial rant. But it hurts so fucking much. It hurt so much last night that I did something I've only done once before. I got drunk. After work, I just asked the Cool bartender to liqour me up with whatever, I don't know drinks. And, oh... he did. I came home, got online here and there were 3 people I got to talk to. Sarah, TMOI and a supportive follower of the anti BREM movement. It was something. That was when I had the time to realize a whole lot of crap in full, that was when I started really crying. And no, it wasn't just drunkenness. It was everything backed up on me. It was the loss of my habitat, it was my friend not being able to be here to just fucking hug me and pat me on the back. It was death, cold and uncaring staring me in the face. Fuck.

So what do I hope to accomplish with this? Well, I guess I only want what I've always wanted... someone to understand me. If the 5 of you are reading this, Sarah, Sarah's cousin, Work Girl, TMOI, helpful sympathetic supporter... just... well, just try to see things my way? I've spent the last couple weeks trying to see everything from everyone elses point of views and been going insane.

1) 'Sarah' -- I told you it isn't about you. Its about me and everything fucking up all the time and being carried off on a wave of bullshit for most of my life.
2) 'Sarah's cousin -- I don't even know you, so I'm not going to dislike you for just passing something else along, but it would have been cool if you could have just looked at everything I had on that page first, and maybe printing off a couple of the ramblings. A couple of the poems too.
3) Loyal supporter -- Thank you. Whenever I'm on the brink, thinking there's exactly 0 people like me in the least, there you are.
4) TMOI -- Fuck man... you are my brother. Fuck everyone else, dude. You, I fucking love... and we are going to knock Europe on it's ASS!

5) Work Girl -- It may not matter to you, I don't know. None of it may have any relevance. You know what's wrong? It's too scary to care about someone who cares about you back. It's so much easier to care about someone in a relationship that doesn't involve you. It's safe, even... well it was. Thats not saying I could be hung up on just anyone. I don't know what it is, I walked into work last night and looked at you. I tried to hate you, but I just couldn't. Damned if I know what it is. You don't have to worry about anything, I'm less than harmless. I just need someone I can compliment for no reason. I'm funny that way. Thats what you get with a manic depressive, there's little ground in between extremes.

The story of the night of a thousand cokes. The end, I hope. Please understand, okay?

I really need a new piercing now.

Back, kill me, whatever...

This page hosted by GeoCities Get your own Free Home Page