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Why must everyone be so fucking ignorant? Why can't people just leave me alone? Why can't I just get a piece of SOMETHING I want? What is it I've done that's been so bad to deserve this? I just don't get it anymore. I don't understand anything. I don't understand why people can be such social animals, but then do the horrendous shit that everyone does to each other every day. I don't understand how people can just not acknowledge their feelings, and follow things that just don't lead anywhere. I don't know why I always feel so alone and I don't know why I'm always on the verge of tears and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what kind of a world it is we live in when buying one new missle is more important than feeding a whole country full of innocent dying people. I don't know how I find the strength to keep getting back up after having tonnes of refuse and garbage dumped on me so consistently. I don't know why it's so hard for people to take responsibility for their actions, or to at least try to raise their stupid kids right to have respect and questions and level heads. I don't know why I make myself care about stupid things that don't even have anything to do with me immediately. I don't know why I can express things so well in words sometimes and end up throwing things across the room any other time I write. I don't know why I don't just hibernate until someone else that actually gives a damn about anything is born. Why do I have to keep everything inside when I'm always making the people around me tell me their problems? Why do I feel so fucking guilty about everything I do or don't do? Why don't I just fucking lie once and a while and take it easy on myself? Why do I let the words and stares of others who will never even try to understand me bother me so much? Why do they have to stare? Why can't I give up on anything? Why can't I seem to do something that matters, no matter how hard I try? Why can't I do something that lasts? If I hadn't tried, would things be better? If I never said a word, would things be better? Could I live with the lies? Why do I have to be so headstrong? Why can't anyone admit when they make one fucking mistake? Does Rebecca still think of me after all these years like I think of her? I don't know why everyone has to be so afraid of me. I don't know why everyone treats me like I'm bleeding all over them. I don't know why they don't offer to suture me up. I don't know if I'll ever find someone else like me. Why can't I think straight today? Why can't I go back? Is it that hard to give someone a fucking hug and mean it? How long can I live on hope? How many more times can I be rejected before I crack? I don't know what the point is anymore. I don't know if there's anyone else out there like me. Why does my standard have to be so high? Why do I still expect people to be human? Why do I expect compassion? Why can't I decide on anything? Why is everything falling apart? Why can't I do anything to stop it? Why doesn't anyone care? Where are all the nice words? What happened to all my good feelings? Will I ever be able to scream loud enough? If the world ended today, what would have been the point? Why isn't there anyone to talk to anymore? Why can't I just be normal? Why am I supposed to be the one with the answers? Will I always be sick? Will I ever get better? Will I always scare everyone away? Why doesn't anything matter to anyone? Why doesn't anyone understand? Is it always going to be like this? Is it all futile? Is it all in vain? Should I try to give up now? Will I ever be back in control again? Did I ever actually lose it for any more than 30 seconds? Why is everything made so poorly? Why can't people realize there ARE things worth living for, and fighting for?
I'm trying and I'm trying to understand, but it's just not working and nothing wants to last.
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