I woke up and it was raining...
again.
It rains a lot here, but I don't mind.
I like rain,
and snow,
and hail.
It all just falls on you from out of some overstuffed cloud.
And you just have to accept it.
But today I didn't like it,
though it was perfect considering last nights havok and gloom.
So I went to my classes in my shoes because my boots leak,
and I sat through an hour and a half of Nietzsche.
It was better than Plato.
And then I went to Writing.
And we talked about metaphors
(a little)
and your eyes were so blue.
and your skin looked too soft and smooth.
Your hand on the desk was ripe for the holding
or kissing
or just touching.
Mine was just rough
and hairy
and black at the tips.
In my little mind you could have been flirting with me
but I can never tell, not really.
It's just that kind of complex society drops on people
like me.
We never really know what's going on,
or what people think of us.
Do they like my extravagance
or deteste it and make soured whisky faces behind my back?
So I didn't know what to think of you today.
I didn't want to go. I didn't want that class to end today.
And it may sound childish,
or it may sound ridiculous,
or it may sound just plain frightening
but
but
but...
I really enjoyed the contact today.
Just the human contact. With you, the most.
But now?
Now I'm in the lab.
The lab smells bad.
But I don't want to go back to my room.
I don't want the contact that's there.
The one that makes me hit my friends.
The one that makes me drink.
I don't want that. I never did.
I wish it was something physical that I could mail away...
I seem to be wishing a lot of things lately.
I think you fit into them somewhere too.
But they tell me I'm depressed,
and they tell me I'm anti-social,
and they tell me worse things too.
So what am I to do?
I've done this before, and just screwed things up.
I screwed up all I had and was forced to rebuild.
I don't want to have to do that again.
I don't want to say anything
because it'll get misunderstood,
and misinterpreted
and I'll be the bad guy again
instead of the 'brilliant' guy
with the black fingernails.

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