Ugh.

I have this friend who makes me feel really bad. It's not on purpose or anything, but I guess just the stories he has and the kind of life he leads. Everyone knows someone like him, I'm convinced... because the kind of guy he is, he knows everyone. Or a lot of people, anyhow. Every chance he gets he's out drinking and doing drugs and meeting new people and fucking them. And I don't know, there's just something about it that pisses me right off.

I think different parts of it do different things to me. Like, I would like to meet new people, but people of substance, and I have a hard enough time talking to anyone new at all. So for that, I guess I envy him, and though the people he meets are most likely not the type I want to associate with, they're people to go out and do things with. I think the screwing makes me mad because I'm not getting any, and because he's a whore and proud of it. And I guess something's only derogitory if someone takes it that way, so he doesn't take his whoredom that seriously. And I don't want to be preachy about it, because it's his life and he can do what he wants, of course, but I guess I just don't have barrels of respect for sluts, male of female. So his whole life just kind of makes mine feel very very dull, even though it isn't. We just have different goals. But sometimes I wonder if I'm not shooting at the wrong targets. I mean, I'm always on myself, trying to improve the person that I am and trying to improve the life experience for those around me... and that makes me feel good when I can actually do that. Maybe if I heard about some of his not-so-good times I'd change my tune a little, and not be so bitter about things. But the things he tells me, like tonight how he tells me he met some punky-surfer type girl who's really sarcastic and who he tells me would be more like my type of girl... and shit like that just kind of pisses me off. Because I'll go out and try at someone, to just be a friend even, for months, and fail miserably. But he just stumbles across people everyday that he reports back to me would be, 'my kind of people' or that 'I'd love'. Ugh.

Another thing is that he's the luckiest son of a bitch I know. He has a job where he does nothing, and only does it for 3 days a week, but gets paid for 4 full days at a very good dollar per hour rate. His parents are rich so he's always gotten what hes wanted. And just in general, he's luckier than hell. He floats through life, without working at anything and achieves everything he wants to. Everything just falls into his lap, and what does he go and do with it? Gets furiously stoned and drunk... and I mean really really messed up... and then nails someone at the end of the night. A long time ago I made a little joke that every story he tells ends in, "...and she sucked my dick and I fucked her." and really, it stands true to this day.

He does what he wants with no consequence, while I have to struggle with everything I do and every move I make. And I've just about had it. I'm just left with the same stupid questions I always have about other people and how the hell I can meet someone who's good for me and I can have fun with. As I've said before, if there were 3 cheeseburgers lined up in front of me, and one had salmonella, I'd pick that one and come close to death. If there were 3 cheeseburgers lined up in front of him, and all 3 had cyanide in them, he'd eat them all and tell me later that he had the coolest drug trip.

So yeah... that's about it, really. I guess maybe it's true, about God protecting fools and children. Yet another reason I should just not bother anymore, isn't it? Maybe I need to set easier goals, just forget about saving the world and helping the people. I just don't know right now. I'm just a little pissed, I'll get over it eventually.

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