Dear Diary,

I still can't beleive it!! Me, Laurie L., the plainest, most

boring girl at Pinhole Valley High School, the girl that all the

boys bark at when I walk by, the girl whose Mother wouldn't

even let her go to a New Kids On The Block concert because

"there's often a bad element at those rock concerts, dear," I

got to go on a 4 day tour with my total hearthrobs, GREEN

DAY!!!

Little did I know that when I entered a "Win A Dream Date

With Green Day" contest in Tiger Beat magazine (my lame-o

brother calls it Puberty Beat, but what does he know, he's

probably a homo anyways) that I, out of all the millions of

Green Day fans in America would get picked!!

The day that the letter arrived was the happiest day of my

life. But before I could get too excited, I realized that I had a

biiiig problem....my parents!!! I knew that they'd never let

me go off with a rock band for even one night, let alone 4

days!

So for once I decided not to put up with thier crap. I wasn't

sure what to do, so at school the next day I went around to all

the wierdos and asked them what THEY would do? See, I

figure people who have blue mohawks and come to school

only when they feel like it and make these gross magazines

with naked pictures in them must have figured out a way to

handle thier parents.

So I went to this guy Eggplant (boy I feel sorry for him, his

parents must have really hated him to name him something

like that), and he looked at me like, "You really wanna go on

tour with Green Day?"

And I said, "Oh yeah, I'd DIE to go on tour with Green Day."

He looked at me kind of funny and said, "Yeah, but would

you KILL?"

I thought he was joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at

his beady little eyes piercing deep into my soul and I KNEW

he wasn't. I thought, hmmm, what the hell, you only go

around once, migh as well go for it, blah blah, blah....

So I said, kinda hoarse and everything, "Yeah, I guess I

would..."

And he said, "Then the one you should talk to is Claude."

OMIGOD!!! Even I had heard of Claude. He's so evil that

he's practically....SATANIC!!! He dropped out of school in

8th grade, and all he ever does is take drugs and read wierd

books and molest little girls. I was always afraid to even look

at him.

But I'd gone too far now to stop. After school, instead of

going home, I went to Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley where

all the scummy people hang out, and sure enough, there was

Claude. He looked all perverted and he was smoking

cigarettes and all these girls were standing around him like

they wanted him to do bad stuff to them.

But they got out of the way when they saw me coming, and

Claude wasn't mean or dirty or anything. He was actually

kinda nice.

He said, "My friend Eggplant tells me YOU have a problem."

I said, "Two problems, actually. Two really BIG ones."

"Parents, huh? This should take care of em."

He handed me a brown bottle full of pills.

"How many of these should I take?" I asked him.

He laughed, kind of heh-heh like. "No, you dont take them,

THEY do. Your parents."

"Oh NO," I said, "My parents wouldnt take drugs. Their

Christian Scientists."

"You look like a smart little girl. I'll bet you can figure

something out."

And you know what? He was right. I DID!

That night, I offered to help my mother make dinner. Then,

when she wasnt looking, I emptied all of Claude's pills into

the mashed potatoes. Then, I said I didnt feel like eating, and

went upstairs and listened to all of my Green Day records 5 or

6 times.

After awhile, I stuck my head out the door.

"YUCK!" I heard my dad say. "These are the worst mashed

potatoes I ever tasted in my life!"

"Then cook your own god damn dinner, you lazy scumbag, I'm

not your slave.' I was suprised, my mother didnt usually

swear.

My dad said, "I'm not going to eat these. They taste like shit!"

But my mother yelled at him, "You eat all those potatoes, or I

will dump them over your head, and shove the dish up your

ass."

"SHHHH" he said. "Laurie will hear you!"

"She's asleep, the stupid little bitch! I swear, I dont see how

my daughter could be such an idiot! I bet the babies got

switched at the hospital!"

"Now, she's just a little bit slow."

"Yeah, and I wonder who she got it from. Are you gonna eat

those potatoes?"

My dad always does what mom tells him. I even heard him

scraping the bowl.

After awhile, I heard a clunk and a crash, and then the whole

dinning room table fell over. I went downstairs, and they

were both flopped out on the floor, like, totally dead. It was

wierd.

I realized that I better do something before my brother got

home, because I didnt have enough pills to take care of him

too. Luckily, we had a brand new garbage disposal, so I took

a butcher knife and cut mom and dad up into little pieces and

put them down the garbage. It took a long time, and it was

kinda messy, but I kept singing all my favorite Green Day

songs, and it made the work easier.

The only trouble was, the bones wouldn't go down the

garbage disposal, and now I was getting nervous, because my

brother would be home any minute. Then I got an idea. I

gathered up all the bones and carried them out into the

backyard, and threw them over the fence to the neighbor's

pitbull. He was so happy, he didnt even bark at me.

Then my brother came home. "Where's mom and dad?" he

asked.

"Uh....they went to....Utah...!"

"Utah! Why the hell would they go there?"

"Uh, I think they decided to become Mormons or something."

He looked at me kinda wierd and went upstairs to look at his

porno pictures. I went to my room and started packing my

bags!

The next morning, I was at the airport. My own private jet

waiting for me there, and you know what, it was all painted

GREEN, and on the side of it it said "WELCOME ABOARD

LAURIE L., GREEN DAY TOUR '90."

So, I went on the plane, and I was the only passenger! And

all the stewardesses just waited on me! and they listened to

Green Day records all the way to Arizona, where the tour was

going to start!

When I got there, there was a limo, GREEN limo, of course,

waiting for me, and this guy with a top hat opened the door

for me, and when I got in the back seat, THERE THEY

WERE!!! All three of them, Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre!!! I

was so excited I didn't even know where to sit, I mean, I

didnt know which one of them to sit next ot first.

So I sat between Billie Joe and Tre, and they both started

talking to me, but I didnt know which one I liked best cause

they were both so nice, but then I decided I liked Bille Joe

better, because Tre kept singing these rap songs that had lots

of bad words in them. In fact, I was suprised they even let

him in the band, because I didnt think GREEN DAY ever

said swear words. Well, they did on that one song,

"Knowledge", but thats only because it was written by some

other band, Operation Ivy, who I heard were a bunch of punk

rockers.

Then we went to a show at this place called "Hippycore" and

there were all these people with long hair standing around

eating vegatables and stuff. It was kind of icky. But the worst

thing was when I found out there were gonna be some

OTHER bands playing, too.

I got really mad and said, "Why cant GREEN DAY just play

for 3 hours? Why do you have all these other stupid bands?"

Everybody told me to be quiet, and that the other bands were

good too. But they werent. I mean, they werent GREEN

DAY. They didnt even have any songs that I could sing along

to. So, I kept yelling, "BOOOOO! Your terrible! We want

Green Day!!" untill some rocker bitch told me to shut up or

she would rearrange my face with her bottle opener.

I wondered if she was just trying to be friendly, but I decided

she wasnt, so I went outside to wait for my heroes, GREEN

DAY. But when they finally played, it was worth everything!

Billie sang one of my favorite songs, and then, right in the

middle of "Disappearing Boy", he stopped and said, "I'd like

to dedicate this song to out very special friend Laurie L., who

came down from Pinhole to be here with us today. She's just

so beautiful and nice, gosh, I know if she was my girlfriend,

I'd never disappear again."

That's when I fainted. When I woke up, the show was over,

and they were packing away all of the equipment.

I said, "Billie Joe, did you really mean what you said on

stage?"

And he looked at my sincere, and said, "You know it babe,

but our love can never be, because I already belong to

another. Besides, your too young and innocent for the life of

a rock and roll wife. Take my advice, go back to Pinhole and

finnish school, and one day you'll make some lucky guy very

happy."

"But Billie, I'd do anything to be with you. I already did! I

killed my parents just so I could be here tonite."

But he just laughed and said, "Really? Killed your parents,

huh? Thats pretty cool."

Then we all got in Green Day's tour bus to drive to Los

Angeles. I was pretty excited, because I never was in

Hollywood before, and I had a map of all the stars' houses

and everything.

But we didnt see any movie stars, just a bunch of boys with

big hairdoos and women that Tre said were prostitutes. I

never know whether to beleive him or no. He's kinda mean

you know. I am starting to think he's my least favorite

member of Green Day, because he kept singin that horrible

Ice Cube song that goes, "Bitch-killa, bitch-killa." Besides,

when I asked him for his autograph, he said I had to talk to

his agent, and when I asked who his agent was, he started to

unzip his pants.

So I screamed, and Bille and Mike told Tre to behave and he

did after that, even though I said I thought they should tie him

up till the next show, but Mike said alot of drummers are like

that, thier brains just get rattled around too much from all that

pounding.

Then you know what? I saw Billie and Mike drinking out of

BEER BOTTLES!! I was shocked, because they're not even

21, in fact their only 18, so I asked them what the big idea

was, but Billie took me aside and whispered, "Listen, you've

got to keep this a secret, but there isnt really beer in these

bottles."

"There isnt?" I asked.

"NO, it's really milk. Everybody in Green Day likes milk best

of all, but the thing is, we drink it out of beer bottles because

if we dont, people will make fun of us and think we are

sissies."

Then I understood and I felt so sorry for the boys. Peer

Pressure is such a terrible thing.

At the show in Hollywood I even got to stay backstage and

everything, but just as the boys were getting ready to play,

there was a knock at the dressing room door.

"It must be our deli tray." Everyone said, but it wasnt. It was

the POLICE! OMIGOD!! I jumped in front of the officers,

and said, "Wait! Dont arrest Green Day. There isnt really

beer in those bottles, its really milk!"

He looked at me and said "Is it now? And your name wouldnt

happen to be Laurie, now would it little lady?"

And I said, "Thats my name, dont wear it out."

"Then we'll have to ask you to come with us."

"What do you mean?" I screamed. "Are you crazy? Green

Day is going to be playing any minute now!"

But he said, "Sorry, it cant be helped," and they took me in

back of the police car and handcuffed me and everything, and

then I thought, oh god, I wonder if this has anything to do

with my parents?

Sure enough, it did. That stupid pitbull dragged one of my

dad's collarbones into the house, and its owner found it and

called the cops. So I didnt get to see the rest of the tour, and I

had to go to court and everything and now I'm in jail, and I

might not get out until the year 2019.

Oh well, everyone's pretty nice here and they let me listen to

my Green Day tapes. But they all ask me, was it worth it?

Killing your parents just so you could go on tour with Green

Day?

And I just smile, a deep, knowing smile, because I've seen

and done things that they'll never experience, not if they live

to be 100, and I say, "Of course it was. After all, everyone

gets 2 parents, but there's only one GREEN DAY." THE END

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