Marie still lay sleeping on her bed. She had woken up a few times and
finally had fallen into a deep sleep. That is when the torment began.
Into her dreams came a fateful night in her relationship with Per. It
was December of 1989 and for four years they had been secretly loving
each other. Up front it was only a musical relationship, but behind the
spot light was an ellict love affair. They both were in agreement in
keeping their relationship a secret. It would be better that way, so
that the press wouldn't hound them or turn their perfect love into some
tabloid affair. Though the press always insisted on asking if they were
in fact lovers... insisted that there had to be more to it. Their
answers became increasingly more and more persistent and a bit defensive
at times. 
     That evening, December 3, had ended what they had, Marie was at
Per's new flat in Stockholm. The place was gorgeous. Marie didn't know
it, but on Christmas, Per was planing on proposing to her and was hoping
they would start a family in this home. Marie loved the house. It wasn't
full of decor and needed a woman's touch, but she loved what Per had
done to it. To think that their relationship was only based on pleasure,
was false. It was based on more things like love and trust. They told
eachother everything and never left a single thing hidden. Since that
night, Marie and Per hated that day of the year and both wished that
date would be erased. The night started out perfect. Since it had been a
very cold winter in Sweden, Per had the fire roaring and had sheets and
pillows on the floor near the fire. He had lit up the room with candles
and incense burning of sweet honeysuckle. He had made sure not to cool
the wine, but leave it room temperature so that it could warm them both
up. Marie arrived and he quickly took her upstairs. They didn't hesitate
and were naked almost at once and entwined in each other's arms. They
belonged to each other and no one else. Not a single person could break
them apart, not even God himself, or so they had believed.
     After their lovemaking, they lay together on the sheets sipping
red wine. For most of the night, the two talked of future plans on the
decor of Per's new home. She was very happy to know that he wanted to
hear her opinions and ideas. After a few hours, Per was quite
intoxicated and speaking nonsense. This was quite funny to Marie, until,
in his drunken state, he revealed to her the only thing he had ever kept
from her. One evening, a few years ago, Per had sent a good friend of
his to Spy on Marie and her boyfriend at the time. With all the jealousy
in his heart, he and his friend beat up Marie's boy friend, nearly
killing him. When Marie heard this coming from his drunken lips she got
very angry and fought with Per. She abhorred violence and the very
thought that he was so capable of it made her doubt him for the first
time ever.
     The shouting made him lose control and he hurled the bottle of
wine against the newly painted walls. With that he moved closer to her
as if he was about to attack. Per stopped himself just before his hand
hit Marie. Marie became afriad of him. Never in her life had she feared
Per, but that evening, the man she loved was not the one standing before
her. She realized there was so much she didn't know. Quickly she got her
things and ran out of his life forever. For weeks and months Per tried
to get her back. To prove that he wasn't some monster. It was no use.
After sometime he started to hate Marie and though they seemed to be
perfect friends on stage, what lay behind was a completely different
story. They never lost their love for eachother, but when Marie was
ready to have him back in her life, Per had started to date Asa. For
sometime, Marie went from one broken love affair to another. Finally she
settled with Micke. But the love she had for Per never died. She would
always love him and nothing would come between that.

     She recalled the tour that almost brought them totally down and
almost ended both their careers: The Joyride Tour. He had looked so good
during that tour. On stage Marie purposely flaunted her flirting with
Per. She wanted him to want her. Then when she knew he did, she began to
ignore him and flirt elsewhere with Anders or Jonas. One night he was
bold enough to kiss her on stage in front of the audience and the
cameras. She was astounded and more than a little angered by his
presumptuousness. Backstage afterwards she had cornered him in his
dressing room.
     "What was the meaning of that?" She demanded to know.
     "What?" he said acting like he didn't know what she was talking
about. He slipped out of the black silk outfit that was now drenched in
sweat from performing and stood before her with a towel around his
waist. 
     "The kiss." Marie said. "Why did you do that? You had no
right...."
     "Oh but you have every right to wag your arse in front of me all
evening and rub against me expecting me to just tolerate it as part of
the act? Then you go and practically jump Anders right on stage!" Per's
voice was low and cold.
     Marie stared at him realizing her game was up. "I- I...it's all
performance. The crowd loves it."
     "Yeah well the crowd doesn't have to hide their arousal behind an
electric guitar..." Per said with a slight sneer. He walked up to her
and put his hands on her shoulders making her look at him. 
She realized just how tall, how big he was and felt a tremor of
fear mixed with excitement. 
     "I can't take your teasing." Per said in a husky voice. "You know
how it tortures me? You have to know it does!" Then unexpectedly he
kissed her hard, almost forcefully. 
     Despite herself, Marie responded and Kissed him back with the same
fervor. Soon they were undressing each other quickly, and Per pushed her
back on the small sofa in the dressing room. He took her passionately,
thrusting hard and looking her in the eye the entire time. She felt
alive and matched his rhythm. She wrapped her athletic legs around his
waist loving the feeling of having him inside once again. As she felt
his climax building she too started the peak to the top. She cried out
in ecstatic yelps as she reached the edge and blindly toppled over. Per
held on and she could hear him groan with his own pent up release. 
     After he slowly pulled away and sat at the end of the sofa. He
looked down, his head hanging in what seemed to be shame.
     "It's been so long..." she started softly. "I missed you."
     "It can't happen again." He said in a choked voice. "It's not
about us anymore, Marie, there is Asa to consider now too."
     She realized what they had done. He was right of course. It could
never happen again. They couldn't let anyone know. She pulled her
clothes on quickly without another word and fled the dressing room
hoping no one would see her leaving. 
     She had no way to know that Per sat and fumed at himself angrily
for letting her go, and for his infidelity to Asa. He vowed to be the
best for Asa from then on, and to push Marie out of his mind.
     The rest of the tour was tense, then when it was finally over
Marie and Micke were already well established as a couple. It was a
shock however to learn she was pregnant. Per had to wonder...
     Marie knew. She couldn't reveal that secret to anyone especially
not to Per. Yet everytime she looked in her daughter's face she could
see Per's eyes looking back at her. It was a daily, painful reminder of
that final rejection.

     The sound of the door bell woke Marie up. She quickly dried her tears
and looked at herself in the mirror making sure she had no sign of
sorrow. When she got to the door and opened it, she was shocked to see
him. Per was standing before her completely soaked and shaking. "Oh my
God, Per!... You are soaked!" Rain was still falling outside and she
grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the bathroom. 
     Per shivered, "Marie, I needed to see you, I had to talk to you." 
     Marie quickly took off his jacket and got him a towel. "You need
to get out of those clothes before you get sick." Marie started to undo
his vest and he stopped her, took her in his arms and kissed her. The
kiss was deep, deeper than they ever had kissed. It was also ellicit,
but exactly what the both of them needed. Per then parted and said, "I
love you, I've never stopped loving you. Marie these years have been
torment, I need you so much." 
     She sighed and held his shivering body to her then whispered, "I
need you too. I haven't stopped loving you either. It hurts to know the
stupid mistakes I made, Why didn't I take you back?" 
     He pulled away from her and watched the tears rush down her face.
Sadly he took his jacket and started to walk out. Why had he bothered
comming? What did he possibly think he’d accomplish?
     She stopped him and wrapped her arms around him. 
     "Please don't go," she begged him. 
     He held her tight and promised, "I Won't." They held together for
some time and then Per collapsed to the floor. All the torture he had
been putting himself through, was finally too much to bear. 
     "PER!" Marie screamed when he slipped out of her arms and to the
floor. "Oh God," She tried to wake him up, but his body was too cold to
respond.  Marie took the rest of the wet clothes off and put him in
Micke's bath robe. She then saw the hand he had bandaged. She took off
the hanckerchief and looked at the bloody mess. "What has he done to
himself?" She thought. Marie saw that Pers body wouldn't warm up and
decided to help him to her bedroom. She layed him down on her bed then
went to the fire place and started a fire. Since he lay there shaking,
she wrapped Per in the thickest blankets she had, then crawled into bed
with him, and used her body heat to try and bring his temperature up.
     "Oh God Per, please wake up." She kept repeating that over and over
until he did wake up to find himself in her arms. 
     Per looked into her worried eyes, "What happened?" He asked
weakly. 
     She gulped and hugged him. "You blacked out." She then lifted her
head and reached for his injured hand and said, "What have you done to
yourself?" Per used the last of his strength to sit up in bed. "I... I
punched a wall." 
     Marie looked at him, a hint of fear came into her heart and she
slid off of him. "Why?" She whispered. 
     Per sighed and closed his eyes. "There have been too many things
for me to handle" 
     Marie finally got out of bed and sat on a chair. "Too many things?
Like what?" 
     Per opened his eyes and looked at her, "You." That was the only
thing that he could say. The album had been worrying him, but it had
been Marie who was tormenting every edge of his mind. 
     Marie looked at him in shock, "Me?" 
     Per nodded, "Yes... You.... I don't know what is wrong with me,
but for nearly two months now, since we returned from Spain, you are all
I can dream about and all I can think about.... I am falling apart
inside and its all because of you!" He hated the way he told her the
last phrase, but it was true. Per looked at Marie and saw her sadden and
then look down. 
     Finally she told him, "The same has happened to me. I don't know
why. What we had is dead and buried, we are supposed to be happily
married, but..." She hesitated, "...you keep living in my thoughts and
dreams...." a tear slid down her cheek and she wispered, "I love you, I
just try to tell myself that I don't, because it hurts too much to love
you knowning that we can never be together again." 
     Per's eyes widened and he got out of bed and kneeled before her.
His hand went to her cheek and his thumb wiped away her tears. She
looked up at him and he held a smile for her. "Marie...." That was all
he could say, for no words could explain the love in his heart. Slowly
he moved closer to her and kissed her again.