My Thoughts On...

Hortence

Hortence is the name of my first car. For all of you out there who have been intimately acquainted with Hortence, consider yourselves lucky, cause she's dead now. For those of you who have not, let me give you a little bit of history about my beloved Hortence. My family picked up Hortence sometime in late June. He was a 1993 Mazda, white, and very funny looking. I decided to go all out with Hortence, so we made a nametag for him out of letter blocks, monopoly pieces, and ticky-tacky. Then I made a sign for each of the seats that said "Hortence welcomes you to seat number 4" or whatever number you were in. The passenger side door was equipped with bells on the handle, so that I would be alerted whenever someone entered or exited the car (I'm not very observant. I needed those bells.) Hanging from the rearview mirror was...well, I don't know what it was. I had some gizmos of some sort that I'm sure were useful at one place and time, but I don't know where or when that was. They just looked like funky gizmos to me, so I thought "Hey! Hortence will LOVE them!" So the went on the rearview mirror. And last, but not least, were my bumper stickers. There were five stickers on my car that said (in no particular order) "I can dress myself!" "Honk for Hortence" "Slob" "Discourage inbreeding: ban country music" and "All Hail Mark Philippoussis" Hortence was tride and true for about six months, but then he died. So to replace Hortence my family got...

Ophelia

Ophelia is a much classier car, so I didn't feel right putting all those bumper stickers on her. Ophelia is too dignified for that. She's a forest green 1994 Chrysler Concorde. My younger brother (the pope) wanted to name her "Billy," but I refused. Now he lovingly refers to her as "Billy-Oph." As much as I discourage this, he won't give it up. But her name is Ophelia. You should not look down on Ophelia. Long Live Ophelia!

Jeans and T-shirts

I am so sick of people in this country who say they are "fasionable" when they wear a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt. This is not "fashionable," this is "comfortable." Any idiot can find a personal style, a different and unique way to dress themselves. I, for instance, wear wierd shoes, wierd socks, and (a lot of times, not always) strange and humerous t-shirts. True, most of my income is spent on clothing and accessories. But even the goodwill carries some incredibly unique stuff. Try is out! Throw away those plain clothes, and BE DIFFERENT!

David Letterman

He is going bald, he has strange teeth, and he is extremely old, but I would still marry this man in a second. He is the ONLY option for late-night tv, PERIOD. Only old fogies watch Leno. All hail Dave!

Ball State University

I would like it better if its inititials weren't "BS."

Bill Clinton

He's fat and ugly.

Birth Control

Your parents should have considered using it.

Country Music

I believe that country music is responsible for 99% of crimes committed in the U.S. Plus, it just plain sucks.

Hair

Girls with extremely short hair look like guys. Guys with long hair are (most of the time) sexy. Any girl with very long, very blonde, very straight hair should die and give their hair to me. Any guy with very long, very blonde, very straight hair should marry me.

History

People did good things. There were big wars. Some guys wrote speeches about it. It was all before now. That's all I need to know.

Men

99%--oink oink; other 1%--moo moo

Middle Names

It is my opinion that all people should have really horrendous middle names. This can provide for hours of guessing enjoyment. I came up with this idea because of a geometry teacher I had that publicly stated that he had the worst middle name in the world, but stiill refused to tell us what is was. To this day, it is a mystery. So let your kid be like my annoying teacher. Give him/her/it an awful middle name. Suggestions: Hortence, Alfonzo, Mildred, Oscar, or Bathsheeba.

Spanish

Mi nombre es Tara Scott. Tengo dieziocho años. Me duelen los pies. Cuando salgo mi cuarto, cerro mi puerta. Uso mis manos para escribir. ?A qué tiempo? Quizas.

Ugly Sweaters

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