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Jack and the Beanstalk
[The guys are all sitting around Nick and Drew's pool. Nick and Justin are sharing a stack of Playboys, Jeff is seeing if his water bra will float, and Drew is in the shallow end, desperately trying to keep afloat.] Drew: (panting) You guys... help.... me.... (disappears under the water) Jeff: Can you wait a second???? I'm trying to get this damned thing to float!! Nick: Justin, where's the April issue? Justin: Heh heh... right here in my lap... Nick: Give it here, man! I wanna see what she looks like before you get her all sticky!! Drew: (surfaces) Thanks a lot, assholes. Jeff: Hey, you're about eye level to our assholes... Drew: SHUT UP!! (paddles to the steps and sits, holding on to the rail for dear life) Damned height deficiency. Nick: Is that what they call being shorter than Mr. Peanut these days? Drew: Speaking of Mr. Peanut... (gestures toward Nick's groin) Nick: Drew, jealousy is a bad thing. Drew: (sarcastic voice) Oh yes, Nick. I'm so jealous that my dick isn't the size of a cigarette butt. Nick: You had better shut your mouth, bitch, before I shut it for you. Drew: Bring it on, asswipe! (As usual, they commence fighting.) Nick: (holding Drew underwater) SAY IT, TWINKIE!! Drew: Phay fhut???? Nick: (holds Drew's head above water) What was that? Drew: (spits out water and gasps) Say what???? Nick: Hmm... let's see... [He releases Drew as he thinks of something degrading for Drew to have to day. Drew scampers over to where Nick was sitting, sits down, and reaches for the Playboys. Unfortunately, he reaches on the wrong side, and opens the Red Book accidentally. Everyone disappears.]
[The guys land in front of a tiny cottage.] Jeff: Smooth move, shorty. Drew: Hey! I was tryin' to get into the Playboys, dammit! Justin: You idiot, can't you tell the difference between an ancient bright red book and a trashy magazine with naked chicks on it? Nick: Besides, what do you think Mom would do if she saw you? Drew: M-mom? (eyes fill with tears) MOMMY!! I'M SORRRRRRYYYYYYY!!! (curls up into a ball and rocks back and forth) Jeff: Dammit, Justin, you forgot the camera again, didn't you?! Justin: Sorry. Nick: Talk about life's wasted opportunities. Anyway, let's see if that cottage is really a whorehouse in disguise. I could use some black leather lovin'. Justin: (mutters under his breath) Like you get any kind of lovin anyway, fucker. Nick: What was that again?? Justin: Ummm... I said... I hate that song "Livin' La Vida Loca". Nick: Oh. Well, hey, so do I. Ricky Martin actually thinks he looks better than me! Jeff: Ooh... those leather pants... (sees the looks Nick and Justin are giving him) I mean, they'd look sooooo good on a girl. Justin: Thank God, I was worried for a minute there. Jeff: (chuckles nervously) Uhh... what's there to be worried about? Nick: (sighs) Nevermind. Now let's go check out that house. [He gets Drew up and they leave.]
[They go inside the house to see through the window a girl planting something.] Nick: (whistles lowly) Damn, now THAT is an ass. Justin: Nick, didn't we already have this conversation after you tried to seduce Gretel? Nick: Tried? She couldn't get enough of me! Jeff: Enough of what? Your bullshit? Drew: Wait a sec... if we're in Jack and the Beanstalk... where's Jack? (The girl comes inside.) Jack: Hey, who the hell are you? Nick: (stares at her) Your love slave. Justin: Hell no, I am. Jack: Uhm, yeah. I'm Jacqueline, better known as Jack. We just had to sell our cow for food, and I sold her for some beans that are gonna make me rich. (rubs hands together and cackles) Jeff: (arches brows) Ye-eah. Um, I feel something shaking. Drew: Holy *bleep*, it's an earthquake!!! Nick: Oh Jack, let me hold you and comfort you. (Before she can protest, he is holding her against him.) Jack: OW!!! Justin: What's wrong? Jack: There's a pin poking my back!! Drew: Did you hear that, Nick? There's a PIN poking her back. Nick: Umm... uh... must be my zipper. Sorry. (he moves her as the tremors end) Jack: Wait a sec... I see something. Jeff: Holy *bleep*!! Drew: Oh my *bleep*ing God! Justin: Holy *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Nick: So much for a family-oriented band. Jack: I-it's... a beanstalk. (Everyone goes outside to look at it.) Justin: Hey! I have a totally idiotic, insane idea!!! Jeff: What is it? Justin: Let's climb up the beanstalk! Drew: Uhmm.... I don't think so. You guys KNOW what beans to do me. Nick: Do we ever... (plugs nose) Jack: Wait, I bet that a giant lives up there that's gonna eat us for dinner. Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? [They all climb up the beanstalk.]
[In front of the giant's house...] Nick: Whoa. This place looks like the Playboy mansion. Drew: Like you've ever been there. Justin: You guys, shut the hell up. Let's go inside. Jack: Why do I get the feeling I've made a BIG mistake? Jeff: Oh come on. You're with us, right? Jack: That's what I'm afraid of. Nick: I'll protect you. (wiggles his eyebrows suggestively) By the way, did you know that the safest room in a house is... the bedroom? Jack: Uhh.... I'll keep that in mind. (shudders) Justin: (sniffs air) I smell... I smell... Drew: What? Justin: FOOOOOOOOOOODDD!! (runs in the direction of the kitchen) Jeff: Damn that porkball. Now we have to follow him. Jack: Uhh... why? Drew: Who else is gonna eat all those 12 pound Toblerone bars our fans send us? Nick: You have a point. Let's go. (They go into the kitchen, where they find Justin happily munching on a Snickers bar the size of a mattress.) Justin: This place is great!! Drew: (mouth watering) I suggest we screw getting any money and eat. Jeff: B-but what about our buff physiques? Nick: Jeff, shut up. Jeff: Bu- Nick: I said, shut up!! Jeff: I- Nick: SHUT THE HELL UP!! Jeff: OK! OK! (sulkily chomps on a huge Twinkie) [Soon, everyone is asleep from eating too much.]
[They all wake up in separate glass jars.] Nick: What the-LET ME OUT!! Ricky Martin: (sadly in a Spanish accent) Eet's no use. Drew: Ricky? What the hell are you doing here? Ricky: I was een an airplane, and Enrique Eeglesias, he was piloteeng eet, and dropped me off heere, cackleeng about how hees meesion was done and he was the new Lateen heartthrob! Ay carumba! Justin: What's going to happen to us? Ricky: H-he's going to make me into a "Livin' La Vida Taco", he said! WAAAHHHHHH!! Jeff: Oh Ricky, I'm so sorry. How can I make you feel better? (licks lips) Nick: (whispers to Jack) Wanna meet Little Nicky? Jack: Uhh.... (before she can say "No", his pants and boxers have dropped.) EEK! (she faints) Drew: That seems to happen a lot. Nick: Uhh... it was so big, I think it scared her. (pulls up pants hastily) Drew: (rolls eyes) Whatever. (Suddenly, the table starts shaking. In walks the giant.) Giant: FE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF SOME ENGLISHMEN!! 98*: DAMMIT!!! WE'RE NOT 5IVE!!!! Giant: But isn't that the pretty guy? (points to Jack) Jack: (revives) I'm a chick, you idiot!! But right now I wish I wasn't, cause then I wouldn't have had to see that string bean he attached to himself! Nick: You ungrateful bitch!! (As Jack and Nick yell at each other, Drew pats his towel, looking for the Red Book) Drew: Where did I put it? Oh yeah! (reaches under his swimming cap and pulls out the Book) Ricky: (being carried over to a frying pan by the giant) NOOOOOOO!! Jeff: (claws the air) RICKY!! I LOVE YOU!!!! Ricky: EEEWWW!! YOU FA- (sizzling) Jeff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [All of 98* disappears.]
[Back by the pool...] Nick: I wonder what happened to Jack. Drew: Well the story Mommy read me last ni- (gets weird looks) I mean, the one I read, an, um, long time ago, said that Jack got the giant's money and that the giant died. Jeff: (eyes fill with tears) W-what about Ricky?? (lower lip quivers) Justin: (rolls eyes) You dumbass. Don't you listen to the radio? He's alive, has lots of hit songs, and, um, has a girlfriend. Jeff: H-he was straight?! B-but only gay guys are supposed to wear leather pants!!! Nick: Well, sorry Jeff, but obviously you were wrong. Jeff: DAMMIT! I'M DEPRESSED! I'M GOING SHOPPING, AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME! (picks up his rainbow colored purse and leaves) Nick: Damn... talk about PMSing... Drew: What's that? Justin: (glances over at Nick) Um... we'll tell you later. How about you get out your rubber ducky and Barney floaties and play in the water? Drew: YAY!! (runs inside to get them) Nick: So, Justin, wanna hear how it went with me and Jack? Justin: NO. Nick: Oh well. I understand the jealousy th- Justin: Nick, shut it. Nick: Hey, don't talk to me like th- (shuts up when Justin shoves a Playboy centerfold in his face.) Justin: Thank God something shut him up. Wait a second... is this Geri Halliwell?!