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Beauty and the Beast
[The guys are on their tour and are staying in a hotel room. Nick and Justin are trying to listen through the door into Mandy Moore's room, Jeff is online cruising www.victoriassecret.com, and Drew is making his hats talk.] Drew: (in girly voice) Why hello there Mr. Red! (in a deep voice) Hello Mrs. Chartreuse. How are you this fine day? Jeff: Chartreuse? That sounds like a good color!! (types in some words on the site) Nick: Drew, are you going through puberty? Drew: NO, I'm introducing Mr. Red and Mrs. Chartreuse to each other. Justin: Dude, you make your hats have conversations?! Nick: Hey, nobody else wants to talk to him... Drew: I'd watch it if I were you, Nicky. Remember that fan in Arkansas who saw your fly unzipped and laughed so hard she had to have an oxygen mask? Nick: I told you not to say anything about that, twerp! Drew: Twerp? Ohh man, you say one more thing and I'll be forced to introduce you to Mr. Fist. Nick: OK, I'll shut up, if you try to punch me you might hurt my shin. Drew: You dickless bastard!! (He tackles Nick. They burst into Mandy Moore's room to reveal the guys of No Authority trying on her underwear. They dash back into their room.) Nick: (panting) I think... I saw... the ugly one's... buttcrack. Jeff: Aren't all the guys in No Authority ugly little bastards? Justin: You know, he has a point. Nick: Nice going, Drew. Now I'm scarred for life. Drew: Really? Then my mission on this earth is done. Nick: Then why don't you try LEAVING IT?! [He throws the Red Book at Drew's head. Drew is protected by his new hat -a construction worker's helmet- and the Book bounces off of it and lands open in his hands. All the guys are sucked in.]
[The guys appear in a forest. A large castle is up ahead.] Justin: Dude, where are we? And are there any chicks nearby? Jeff: If there were, once they saw you they'd probably run. Justin: Damn it. Drew: Let's try going to the castle. Nick: Are you sure? That place looks kinda questionable... Drew: Now that you mention it, it looks kinda like the Playboy mansion... Nick: OH BABY! MISS FEBRUARY! I LOVE YOU!! (runs off toward mansion) Jeff: What if something really bad happens to Nick? Drew: Ah, let him suffer. It might do him some good. Justin: Wait a sec... if Nick's gone, I have a better chance with the ladies... aww yeah... Jeff: Justin, face it. The only way you'll ever get a chick is if she's got an IQ of a potato. Justin: Wait a sec... if that's the Playboy mansion... (takes off the way Nick went) Drew: I think we better follow them before they get hurt or something. Jeff: Damn it, do we have to? Drew: Do you have any idea what my mom will do to me if Nick's gone? Now let's go. [They walk down the path the others took.]
[Meanwhile, in the castle...] Nick: This doesn't look like the Playboy mansion. (cups hands around mouth) HUGH!! WHERE ARE YOU????? Justin: Damn it, don't yell so loud! You'll scare away the Bunnies! Nick: Like you won't by just being here. What the hell ARE you doing here anyway? Justin: The same thing you are: trying to score. Nick: Nicholas Scott Lachey doesn't TRY to score; he just plain scores. Drew: (walks up with Jeff) Nick, something smells bad in here. Maybe it's the bullshit you're talking? Nick: Maybe it's your diapers that Mom forgot to change. Drew: As jealousy rears its ugly head... Nick: Jealous of what? The fact that I'm not short enough to be Michael Jordan's footstool? Drew: You rotten son of a bitch! Don't make me kick your ass! (a growl is heard upstairs) Jeff: What the hell was that?! Justin: The totally idiotic, suicidal thing to do would be to go check it out, whereupon we'd meet up with a horrifying creature who would turn us into shish kabobs. Nick: So, what the hell are we waiting for? Let's go! Drew: (mutters) Leave it to Nick to be the dumbass of the group. (louder) OK, we might as well. [The guys all go upstairs on their way to *drumroll please* the West Wing, where the Beast lives.]
[At the head of the stairs.] Nick: (points finger) Look! Over there! It's the Spice Girls -and they're NAKED! Drew: So what's new? Nick: Uh... Sporty actually has boobs!! (As the other three look where he pointed in amazement, Nick goes the other way, chuckling to himself.) Let's see.. if I remember right from the movie... Belle's room must be at the end of the hall. Jeff: Nick, they're not there, you lying SOB! (looks behind himself) Nick? Niiiick... Drew: That dumbass probably got himself lost again. Justin: NO... he went to go find the chick. Damn that bastard! One of these days I'm going to find the ladies first. And when that happened... (Justin gives an evil cackle) Drew: Oooook... coughcoughFREAKcoughcough... well, anyway, let's go. I get the feeling that when Belle sees Nick's package -or lack of one, anyway- being in the same room as a wild beast would be safer. [They continue their way to the West Wing and open the door.] Jeff: (brushes away cobwebs) Gross! Do you have any idea what this mold is capable of? This bra is pure silk! It'll disintegrate!! Justin: And this is a bad thing because...? Jeff: Hey now, I don't say bad things about you and your inability to get a woman, so shut up about my bras!! Drew: You guys! Shut up!! You're gonna get that beast thing after us!! (is grabbed by the collar of his shirt) Too... late. Beast: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??!! Jeff: Um... uh... bobbing for apples? Justin: (smacks Jeff upside the head) You idiot! That excuse may have worked when we hid in Mandy's bathroom, but there's no freaking water in here!!! Jeff: Oops. Beast: GET OUT!! Drew: God, and I thought Nick got mad when I stole his latest copy of Playboy and put black Magic Marker on the centerfold. Ever heard of something called Midol? Beast: DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!! Jeff: Drew... I think you better listen to the guy if you wanna live to see your next birthday. Beast: I THINK I'LL KILL YOU ALL!! YOU FIRST, SHRIMPY!!! [He starts foaming at the mouth. Some of the foam gets on Drew's hat. Drew's eyes turn red and he grabs a nearby blunt object. He whacks the Beast upside the head with it.]
Drew: TOUCH MY HAT AGAIN, YOU OVERGROWN RODENT, AND I'LL KICK YOUR ASS BACK INTO LAST WEEK!!! Jeff: Remind me to never, EVER mess with one of Drew's hats. Drew: (turns back to normal) So, let's go find Nick. That is, if he hasn't been tossed out a window yet.
[Meanwhile, back with Belle and Nick...] Belle: So, you wanna... you know... do it? Nick: Eh... OK. (he drops his pants) Belle: (covers mouth with hand amusedly) Uh... is that it? Nick: (proudly) Yep. Ain't she a beaut? Belle: That little thing? I've seen bigger on a mosquito!! Nick: Hey now, don't insult the package! Belle: What kind of package is it? A cocktail sausage? Nick: That's IT! I'm sick of being dissed by you! I'm gonna go give some other woman what you COULD have had. Belle: What chick could do anything with that? Tom Thumb's twin sister? Nick: Frigid bitch. (He zips back up and goes out into the hall, where he meets up with the other guys.) Jeff: So, what happened? Nick: (smiles smugly) What do you think? Drew: Turned down again, big bro? Nick: NO... I scored, as usual. Justin: You couldn't score with a car's exhaust pipe. [Belle and the Beast come downstairs, Belle crying.] Belle: H-he called me a frigid bitch!! Beast: WHO DID??!! Belle: (points to Nick) Him! The owner of that tiny little peanut!! Drew: T-tiny little peanut?? (dissolves into laughter) Beast: (picks up Nick by front of shirt) DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU??!! Nick: Uh... kill me? Beast: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!! Justin: I think that it's time to go. [He opens the Red Book and they disappear.]
[Back in the hotel room...] Drew: "Tiny little peanut". That's a new one; I'll have to add it to the ever growing list. Nick: That bitch was just lyin' cause I told her she was a bad lay. Justin: Nick, whatever. Nick: I swear, we did it!!!! Jeff: Nick, why don't you and Justin go see if Mandy's back in her hotel room? Nick: OH YEAH BABY!! Drew: Shit. That nasty ass foam crap is still on my hat. Justin: Hey Nick, the binoculars are MINE this time!! Nick: The hell they are! Jeff: Will you guys shut up? I can't hear my online color consultant telling me what color of bras I should get!! Drew: And this would be why I talk to my hats.