.:.My English Project.:.
Wanna know why I haven't updated in a while? Because of this, my damned English project. We had to choose any three people to go to dinner with, and they had to have a common bond. Naturally, I chose Bitchney, Christina, and Ricky Martin. Why, you ask? Why, to make a total mockery of the assignment, of course! Now, for your viewing and reading pleasure, I present:
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
Radio contests can be very bad. Evil, in fact. I mean, you just call in, hoping to God that yourTop 40 station might just play your song, and what happens? You get stuck going to dinner with any three pop stars you choose. But then again, they can be fun also. Such as, when you choose the two pop princesses who you just KNOW hate each other, even though they deny it. Namely, Britney Spears,who “wowed” America with her cheesy song and naughty video, and Christina Aguilera, who “wowed”America with her voice, talent, and her naughty song. And, since you’ve gotta have a male influence in there, Ricky Martin comes to mind as the Pop King. It all began so innocently, too. I mean, I just called in to Z95.7, hoping they’d finally pick up the phone and let me request a song. Here’s how the conversation kind of went.
Me: Hello?
DJ: Hey there.
Me: I got through?
DJ: Yeah, and you won!
Me: *confused* What?
DJ: You’re caller #7!!
Me: Yay?
DJ: *by now going into a fit that I’m not excited* DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’VE JUST WON?!?!?!?!
Me: Actually, no. I just called in to request my song...
DJ: Oh. *calms down* You’ve just won a dinner with any three pop stars you choose!
Me: Oh. Pop stars?
DJ: Ye-eahhhh... *clenched teeth* What’s the station that just made you a winner?
Me: Mix93.--Oh! I mean, Z95.7 BAYBEE!!
DJ: Yeah yeah, shaddup.
So, after telling them my selections and number, I hung up. They called me back to confirm, so there I was, in Kansas City, at a restaurant--with a menu I got to choose *evil cackle*--waiting for my three pop stars to arrive. Cause, I mean, that IS my common bond. They’re all pop singers. There, my thesis statement. Now, while I go get ready, here’s some info on my *ahem* lovely guests.
Britney Jeau (or Jean, nobody really knows) Spears was born December 2nd, 1981, in Kentwood, Louisiana, to Lynne Spears and whoever her dad was. (I’m guessing the mailman, but that’s just me.) At a very young age, she was already driving around in parades in her hometown, waving to people from convertibles. (I’m guessing either Kentwood people get bored easily, or they enjoy freak shows.)
As a preteen, Britney auditioned for--and got a spot, by some miracle--on The New Mickey Mouse Club, the popular breeding ground for future stars. Christina Aguilera was also on this show,along with two members of the boy group *NSYNC. There, Britney “sang” and “acted” her way around. In fact, the scout that found her said he’d never seen “such great dancing ability in someone so young”. Didn’t say anything about singing or acting, though... I wonder why...
After TNMMC was canceled, Britney sort of disappeared for a while and crawled back to her Southern haven. Unfortunately for the ears of America’s youth, she reemerged, signing a deal with Jive Records (the same label as the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC) and releasing her title song off of her LP,“...Baby One More Time”, on the cover of which she looks like a crispy-fried tater, to use some Southern jargon. It must not’ve been too bad; after all, she’s the only artist in the Billboard chart history to have both her single and album debut at #1 simultaneously. Her latest release is “From the Bottom Of My Broken Heart”, but she is better known for doing a spread of naughty pictures in Rolling Stone magazine when she was seventeen, and also for breast implant rumors, which she still denies.
On the coattails of Britney’s success rides in Christina Aguilera, a nineteen year old born in Staten Island, NY, but who moved to Pennsylvania after her Ecuadoran father and Irish mother divorced. She never really had many friends growing up, she says, because she was “always off at auditions, and the other kids were jealous of [her]”. She showed them, though, by also appearing on The New Mickey Mouse Club. A funny fact: the same scout who said Britney had “great dancing ability” called Christina “a total package: she could sing, dance, and act”. Bet Brit-bit didn’t like that one...
“Genie in a Bottle” was Christina’s first single, off of her self-titled debut album, which beat out Puff Daddy’s Forever CD for the number one spot, since they both came out the same week. "Genie" quickly went to #1 on the charts. Probably her best moment musically, though, was winning the Best New Artist award at this year’s Grammy Awards show, beating out the likes of Macy Gray, Susan Tedeschi (yeah, I know, who?) and the so-called Queen of Pop herself, Britney Spears. In fact, she even said at the podium after accepting her award, “I guess they DO consider vocal talent, after all!” Ouch. You can understand why I think that Britney has a bit of a grudge against Miz Aguilera. Don’t worry, Britney: you could always go back to Kentwood.
And last but not least, is Enrique Martin Morales. Doesn’t sound all that familiar? That’s because you know him better as Ricky Martin, the man who got us all to “Live La Vida Loca”. He was born December 24, 1971, in Hato Rey, Puerto Rico. Ricky later moved to San Juan. He loved performing in school plays and the choir. When he was six, he was already performing in commercials,and also taking acting and singing lessons.
After many fruitless attempts to join teen pop sensation/joke Menudo--he was too young--little Ricky finally got a foot in the door in 1984. He was twelve. Unfortunately, the Menudo rule is that after you turn seventeen, you’re kicked out and a new guy is put in. So, five years later, in 1989, the inevitable happened, and Ricky found himself without a job.
After releasing his first Spanish album, titled Ricky Martin, and a second one, titled Me Amaras, Ricky found work in New York, though, playing the role of Miguel on the soap opera General Hospital. He went on from that to play Marius in the Broadway production of Les Misérables, and also release a third album, A Medio Vivir. His fourth--and final, to date--Spanish album is titled Vuelve, and it’s the best-selling of them all, at six million and counting. None of his Spanish albums have come close to the sales of his English debut, though, also titled Ricky Martin. It features “The Cup of Life”, the theme to the ‘98 World Cup of soccer, the performance of which at the Grammys got him into the American spotlight,“Livin’ La Vida Loca”, which made him even bigger in America, and his other two releases, “She’s All I Ever Had” and “Private Emotion”, which he sings with the Swedish singer Meja. Ricky’s success continues to grow with the commercials he makes for Puerto Rican tourism, and his Miami restaurant,Casa Salsa.
I’m all ready now... but you want to know what we’re having for dinner, hm? Figures. Now where’d I put it... ah HA! Here it is! The original copy of the menu!
Yeah, yeah, so it’s a bit tattered. I was in a hurry, ok?!
Anyway, I chose the jalapeño bites because, well, Ricky’s Mexican. Therefore, it’s a law that he must like jalapeños. Stereotype, you say? Oh well. The mini pizzas were because Christina likes pizza, and to have it for a main course would be very tacky. This way, it’s only slightly tacky. And the pork rinds are because Britney is a Southern gal, plus she’s from Louisiana. Pork rinds are a typical Southern food. Plus, maybe they’ll make her gain some weight on that skinny body.
The gumbo will be the recipe of Britney’s mom, Lynne. Therefore, it has hometown appeal. Christina eats a plate of chicken breasts before every concert, so she can just have a few more. And the tacos add insult to injury by also being a stereotypical Mexican food.
For the drinks, Sprite is Britney’s favorite, and mine, on a side note. “The Cup of Life” is a *gasp* alcoholic drink from Casa Salsa; it’s a margarita with other stuff. And along with her chicken breasts, Christina also enjoys some Evian.
And--finally--dessert is here. It’s Philadelphia cheesecake because 1) Christina likes cheesecake
and 2) she’s from Philly. Therefore, Philadelphia cheesecake! Britney loves cookie dough ice cream, so I put that on there too. Carmelitas are Mexican brownies, which I hear are rather tasty. And the pink Jell-O©? That comes into play later, but I put it on there because I like Jell-O, and pink rather fits.
So, here we are at dinner. Wanna know how the conversation went? Oh, you know you do. I’ll just put in the interesting part. See, Christina brought her Grammy, and even wore the dress she wore to the Grammys. She kept shooting Britney smug looks. In return, Britney wore something that resembled her outfit in the “Baby One More Time” video, a Catholic schoolgirl outfit gone horribly wrong. Ricky wore slacks and a shirt. He didn’t really say much, just looked kinda bored. He was the one I talked the most to, considering that Brit and Christina were involved in a nasty convo of their own. Fast-forward to the part where I ask my question:
ME: So, I have a question for all of you.
RICKY: Shoot.
BRITNEY: Like, bang! *giggles and twirls pigtail*
CHRISTINA: *mockingly* Like, bang! *rubs an imaginary smudge on her Grammy*
ME: Who influenced you most in your careers?
CHRISTINA: Me first!
BRITNEY: No, ME!
CHRISTINA: Listen, Brit, I won this *motions to Grammy, which is sitting on a velvet pillow*, you didn’t. I get precedence.
BRITNEY: The [(-censored-)] you do!
ME: STOP!! *they both shut up* Thank God. Ricky can go first, then you guys can draw straws or something.
RICKY: Probably... um... line? *looks around for cue cards*
ME: Who?
RICKY: I mean, uh, JULIO IGLESIAS! Yeah, that’s it. Even though he fathered Enrique... GOD I HATE THAT NAME...
ME: Isn’t YOUR name Enrique?
RICKY: *glares* Silencio.
ME: ¡Oy dios mio! I’m SOOOO scared of your Taco Bell dog!
RICKY: You did NOT just dis the Taco Bell dog.
ME: I do believe I did. And if you don’t like it, go.
RICKY: FINE. I’m gonna go join its fan club again. Forget you. *he leaves*
ME: Praise God. Anyway, ready to draw straws, *cough* ladies?
BRITNEY: But... we don’t have any paper or pens!
CHRISTINA: MY GOD! HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE! Pens?! Pencils, totally!
ME: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP THIS?!?!?!?!
BRITNEY: Like, you didn’t have to get so v-v-violent... *eyes fill with tears*
CHRISTINA: Oh please. You are so not innocent.
BRITNEY: Look who’s talking, you... you... y-yeah! *sticks out tongue*
CHRISTINA: Is that the best you can do, Brit-brat?
BRITNEY: No, I can do better. (She dumps Christina’s bottle of peroxide on the Grammy. The gold paint starts to melt off.)
CHRISTINA: *screams; glass shatters* YOU LITTLE [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)][(-censored-)] [(-censored-)]!!!!!
BRITNEY: *mockingly* Is that the best you can do?
CHRISTINA: *just as mockingly* No, I can do better. *Picks up the big bowl of pink Jell-O© and dumps it on Britney’s head*
(I pull out some popcorn)
BRITNEY: YOU [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)]!!!
CHRISTINA: You know what this girl wants? To hit you MANY more times.
BRITNEY: Well, I don’t think you’ll get that chance, Barbie wannabe. Or should I say “carbon copy”?
CHRISTINA: And what does THAT mean?
BRITNEY: It means you copy everything I do!!
CHRISTINA: Whatever!!
BRITNEY: Barbie dolls... my songs... my whole movement... too bad you don’t copy my FASHION sense!
CHRISTINA: And why is THAT?
BRITNEY: Because you look like a bag lady!!
CHRISTINA: UGH!! (She punches Britney. They proceed to have an all-out fight.)
BRITNEY: HA! (She holds up a handful of Christina’s bleach blonde hair.)
ME: About time that ended. So, Britney, who has influenced your career?
BRITNEY: Basically, anybody who sang with the help of a machine, posed for naughty pictures, and was Southern.
ME: I thought as much. Well, thanks for coming. We’ll go ahead and get someone to get Christina to the hospital.
BRITNEY: But she, like, didn’t answer the question!
ME: She’d probably steal your answer anyway.
BRITNEY: You’ve got a point.
ME: Bye now.
I thought that Ricky was rather silent, kind of haughty, if you will... and his answer was probably from a cue card, as is everything else he says. Britney’s response was rather typical for her... I mean,this IS Britney Spears. Christina, well, didn’t really have one... she probably would’ve said the same as Britney, though, since she copies everything, so why bother? I thought the dinner was rather successful, myself... it was a comedy/action all rolled into one! So, five stars, two thumbs up, and I’m out now. I have to go work off the cleaning bill of the restaurant. Would you like fries with that?
The End
So... didja like it? I know, I think I'm flunking English too.
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