My Interview with 98*
NOTE: This interview is a lie. L. I. E. You know, a total bunch of horse hocky? So, don't send me any nasty E-mails or anything, just take it with a grain of salt.
Well, I must be getting right famous. Well, famous enough to get the chance to sit down with our faaaaaaaaaaavorite guys, the four guys of 98*.
We met in a seedy hotel room, which Nick insisted on, because he'd be meeting his contact for his "physical enhancing supplements". You know, steroids. I'm in a chair, and the guys are on a couch.
Me: (watches cockroach scurry across floor) Uh... nice digs?
Nick: (stares at me) Yeah... the beds are awesome.
Me: (inches chair away from Nick) Dude... don't touch me. (clears throat) So... how are you guys doing?
Jeff: (frowns) I went Christmas shopping and they were out of my size of bra.
Justin: (looks at me) Feeling much better... tell me, are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day.
Me: No, that must have been me running AWAY from you. (looks around) Where's Drew?
Drew: Right here!
Me: Whoops, sorry, I always forget about-
Drew: I'M NOT SHORT NOT SHORT NOT SHORT NOT SHORT NOT SHORT!!! (foams at mouth and looks around crazily)
Nick: Dammit, shut up! I'm tryin' to score!! (smacks Drew)
Drew: Like you could score with anything other than your hand! Hell, even your GIRLFRIEND won't touch it!
Nick: Cause she's RELIGIOUS, dumbass!
Me: (eyes light up and starts scribbling on notepad) You mean you ARE dating Jessica Simpson? *chuckles* Best friends my ass...
Justin: Yeah, your ass is nice.
Me: Are you guys like this with EVERY girl?!
Jeff: Yeah, they are, isn't it, like, totally sad? (pops bubble gum)
Me: (looks right at Jeff) I know something that's even sadder.
Jeff: Like, really? (puts pink fuzzy things in hair)
Me: Uh... on with the interview. So, are you guys dating anyone?
Nick: (eyes me up and down) You know, just because I'm dating Jessica doesn't mean I can't give you satisfaction...
Me: NO. Jeff?
Jeff: (eyes fill with tears) I don't want to talk about it. *dabs eyes with hankie*
Me: (eyes lighting up) I could... uh.... make you feel better... *licks lips*
Justin: Oooh.... kinky... me like.
Drew: I have a girlfriend, and she's my best friend, and I love her lots and lots and-
Me: Dude, shut up. Do you know how many teenyboppers' hearts you just broke with that statement?
Drew: (starts sweating) Can we leave that off the record?
Me: (makes sure tape recorder is on) No problem. In fact, let's just screw it all. (tosses notebook in trash)
Drew: Oh... in that case... all those [censored] teenyboppers can [censored] kiss my pasty white [censored].
Me: Whoa, Drew, I never knew you had it in you.
Drew: (lights a cigarette and smiles) Yep, I'm one cool mof-(starts to cough violently)
Me: Uh, are you going to be all right? Need some Zyban?
Nick: Is that a kind of condom? Cause if it is, all you have to do is offer it to me, and we can just slip on back to my be-
Justin: (interrupts him) No way, dude! She wants ME!!
Jeff: You dipshits. Zyban is a pill to make you stop smoking.
Me: Yeah. Besides, what makes you think I'd hop in the sack with either of YOU?? (eyes Jeff) I have bigger fish to fry. (glances at Nick's groin, Justin's head, and Drew) Forgive the pun.
Drew: Wait a sec... did you just call me [censored] short??? (tries to look me in the eyes, but gets a crick in his neck from doing so)
Justin: I am not, like, a dumb blonde!! (pops gum)
Nick: You just WISH that any man you were with had what I have.
Me: *snorts* What? A big, fat, paycheck?
Nick: No.. something else that's rather... large...
Me: Unless you're talking about that baby carrot you're saving in your pants for a midnight snack, I can't really think of anything else big on you, other than your ego.
Jeff: Ooh! Dissed!!!
Nick: (trying to save face) C'mon, Jeff, like she wants you.
(I proceed to sit on Jeff's lap.)
Me: (to an open-mouthed Nick) What was that again?
Jeff: Grr baby... me like...
Drew: How come I never get any action?? Huh?!
Nick: Because whenever chicks get in a bed with you, they get the odd feeling that you're due back at the North Pole workshop in ten minutes.
Drew: Well, at least I can GET a chick, unlike a certain ORDURVE PICKLE I know...
Me: Hey! You stole my nickname for him, you little bastard!!
Nick: "Ordurve Pickle"? What's THAT supposed to mean? (looks suspiciously at me and Drew)
Me: Uhm... ah... er, that is...
Drew: (interrupts) Dude, what she'd trying to say is that your "Captain Winky" looks like those little pickles they serve at parties.
Me: Uh... I GUESS you could put it that way... (fidgets and twiddles thumbs)
Nick: (glares at Drew) YOU FUCKING MINI-ME POSER, I'M GONNA FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET!!! (they begin their lovely, predictable fight)
Me: I believe this is my exit cue. Jeff, call me, babe.
Jeff: (dazed) OK...
Justin: HEY! What about me?
Me: Uhhh... sorry JJ, you just aren't my type. (mutters under breath) I don't go for dorks like you.
Justin: Huh? What was that?
Me: Uhhhh... I don't use forks to eat stew? Bye bye now. ( I leave.)
Well, there you have it. After selling the tape to a certain guy with boobs (who shall remain nameless) I spent the money on 'N Sync stock, which quickly plummeted, so I ended up making no profit. Damn.