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Little Red Riding Hood
[The guys have just gotten done with their last concert on the All That tour, so are hanging out backstage. Drew is watching Teletubbies in his Tinky Winky PJ's, Jeff is working out in his sports bra on a treadmill, Justin is trying to lure Monica into their room -and his pants-, Nick is trying to steal Monica from Justin by telling dumb jokes.] Nick: ...so the dog turns to his owner and asks him, "Do you think I should have said Joe DiMaggio?" Isn't that the funniest joke EVER?? (laughs hysterically) Monica: Uhh... yeah. Listen, I gotta go call my boyfriend Jamal. It was... er... entertaining? (she leaves) Justin: Damn you, Nick, always cramping my style! Nick: Oh come on. Like you had a chance with her anyway! Drew: (drool forming at corners of mouth) I want Dipsy's hat. Jeff: Yeah, and I want the entire Victoria's Secret stockroom for myself, but it ain't gonna happen. Nick: C'mon Justin, you know she was impressed by my jokes. Justin: Yeah, so impressed she called her boyfriend. Nick: I bet it was to break up with him for me. I am the Mack Daddy and y'all know it. Monica (muffled from her being in the hallway): Yeah, Jamal, he kept trying to flirt with me by telling these stupid ass jokes. Justin: What then now? Monica (continues): And the other guy tried to be all cute and stuff, but unfortunately he's ugly as sin. AND a big geek. Nick: (mimicking Justin) What then now? Drew: Shut up, you guys! I can't hear the closing song!! Nick: You're too short to hear it. It's traveling in the air above you, twinkie. Drew: Speaking of Twinkies... (gestures to Nick's groin) Nick: Don't make me step on you like the little bug you are! Drew: Come get some, Viagra Man! Nick: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL!! (He leaps at Drew. As they fight amongst cries of "Take that, you little brat!" and "Up yours, limp dick!", they knock over a bag of athletic equipment.) Jeff: (spies the Red Book) Ooh, I think this is the new Spiegel catalog. Don't they have a new lingerie line...? (He opens it and they disappear, as is the routine.)
[The guys are all on a forest path. Nick and Drew, glancing around briefly to see the forest they've landed in, continue to fight.] Nick: (holding Drew over his head) GIVE IN, PISS ANT!! Drew: Oooo... kk.... (Nick promptly drops him) Nick: (tilts back head to stop nose's bleeding) Score one for Nick. Justin: (mumbles) That's the only way you'll ever score, bitch. Nick: (turns to Justin and gives him the evil eye) What was that? Justin: Uhh... I said that a mosquito bite gives me more itch. Jeff: Uh... yeah, Justin, whatever. Anyway, someone's coming this way. (They all see a little girl in a red hood skipping merrily up the path to where they are.) Little Red Riding Hood: Wait a sec... aren't I supposed to meet up with a big bad wolf somewhere around here? Jeff: (points to a mess of gray fur, blood, and bones) Seems our loving brothers squished your friend. Nick: So, how old are you? Little Red Riding Hood: Well, initially they wanted a 10 year old, but I convinced them that a 15 year old would be best. Justin: 15? Reeeeallllyyy?? Nick: (whispers to Justin) Back off and let the man do a man's job. (to LRRH) Soo... what's under that cape? LRRH: Listen pal, I have no time for your flirting. I have to deliver this stuff to my grandma. Eccentric millionaire. My future fortune is at stake. So, if you will excuse me... (she pushes by them) Drew: (perks up) Eccentric millionaire? Whoa! Ehh... Nick... I never thought I'd ask you this, but since you ARE such the charmer, can you seduce Granny enough so that we can afford your next beer binge? Nick: (looks around nervously) I dunno... old ladies really aren't my thing... Jeff: We'll put it this way, you either get Granny to love ya, or we remove your reason to wear those light up boxers with a rusty fork. Drew: What little he has there... Nick: I'll deal with you later. I have work to do. I'll catch up with you guys later. Drew: (sweetly) Oh no, big brother. We're going with you to make sure you actually do the deed with the old bag. Nick: (mutters) Little bastard... (normal voice) OK, no problem, but you guys might get jealous or something... Justin: (bats eyes) Of what?
(all but Nick snicker) Nick: Oh shut up. Now let's get it over with. (They all set off down the shortcut.)
[At Granny's cottage...] Nick: Now listen. I can't have you guys following me and shit, so come inside in 15 minutes. I guarantee Grandma will be satisfied by then. Drew: (innocently) I thought you only took 60 seconds. At least, that's what Cinderella said... Nick: That bitch don't know nothin'. You hear me? Now go pick some daisies or something. (The other 3 leave.) Shit, how am I gonna pull this o- WAIT! IDEA!! (He goes inside) Grandma? Are you here? Grandma: (snores lightly) Zzzzz.... Nick: This will be easier than I thought! [He moves Granny's snoozing old body underneath the bed. Turning on the shower and getting out an extra wig from her closet and stripping naked, he puts it on and gets into the bed, pulling up the blankets.]
[15 minutes later, the other three come inside and over to the bed.] Drew: (winks at the other guys) Grandma? Nick: (in an old lady's voice) Hello? Are you the friends of that hot sexy man who's in the shower right now? Justin: (trying not to laugh) Um, yeah. Did you guys...? Nick: Are you kidding? He wore me out!! Jeff: I'm shocked. Cause you know, I always thought he was gay... Nick: (through clenched teeth) That's not very nice. Drew: Yeah, my bro is a total cream puff. Nick: (in his normal voice) WHY YOU LITTLE..! (He jumps out of the bed to reveal his naked body. The three guys collapse laughing.) Jeff: Drew... you said... it was... small... but I didn't think... it was... THAT small!! Justin: Yeah, Nick, who stole your family jewels? Nick: (turns red) It's just tired from its romp with Granny is all. You know, she's in the shower... Grandma: (wakes up and comes out from beneath bed) What's going o- oh my. (covers mouth with hand and giggles) Little Red: Grandma dearest, I brought you some cak- (sees Nick nakie) What the hell is that? A glorified toothpick? Nick: SCREW YOU ALL!! Drew: With that tiny thing, it'll take all year for you to screw us! Little Red: Ick. And I was under the impression that something was in there, too. What a mistake. Justin: Yeah, chicks seem to think that. It's why he wears the baggy pants. Nick: (eyes turning red and nostrils flaring) ARGHHHH!!! [Picks up a chair and proceeds to deck out everyone. He then takes off the wig and lays Little Red in bed next to him on one side, Granny on the other.]
[After the guys revive...] Drew: Whoa... my head hurts. Nick: (pretends to wake up and puts an arm around Little Red's shoulder while stretching) You got tired watching the action, my man. Justin: I had the weirdest dream. Jeff: Me too. Something about a glorified toothpick...? Nick: (quickly) Uh... it must have been a hallucination. Drew: (folds arms over chest) I still don't think that you scored. Nick: (spreads out arms) Survey the evidence, my man. (sees Little Red starting to wake and discreetly knocks her out again) Now, um, let's go. Justin: Why are we leaving so soon? Nick: Uhhh... Grandma: (wakes up) You bastard! I oughta... Nick: (frantically) I was thinking we could leave NOW... Jeff: No problem. [He opens the book and they return to the present time.]
[Back in the room at the arena...] Nick: See? Told you I could score. Not only with the old witch, but her granddaughter too. Drew: (narrows eyes) Then what was that "you bastard" bit about? And why don't we have any money? Nick: Uhhhh.... shut up, tiny testicles! Drew: What did you call me? Nick: You heard me, fairy boy. Drew: THAT'S IT!! (jumps Nick and they commence fighting) Justin: (leans back) Ahh... it's so nice to see things back to normal. Jeff: You're telling me. Pass the popcorn? Justin: No problem.