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Red Book Reminiscing (With assistance from my dearest friend Ali)
[The guys are sitting around their hotel room, sharing a 24 pack of Budweiser and carton of menthol Marlboros.] Justin: *hiccup* Are you sure that *cough* beer and *hiccup* cigarettes mix? Jeff: Dude, are you gonna be OK? Drew: (holding his Mountain Dew) Why don't you guys let me drink? I'm of legal age... (He reaches for the beer. Nick smacks his hand away.) Nick: Listen, if we don't you give you any beer, we each get 8 instead of 6. So drink your Mountain Dew and shut up. You shouldn't be complaining; you have a whole damned 12 pack all to yourself. Drew: But this orange juice and vegetable oil crap is getting to me! It'll stunt my growth! Jeff: Too late. (flicks his cigarette butt into Drew's Mountain Dew. It lights on fire.) Drew: HOLY CRAP!!! Nick: I never knew that vegetable oil could do this. Drew, give me a Mountain Dew. Drew: Hell no. You don't share the beer, I don't share the Mountain Dew. Nick: Don't make kick your ass, shorty. Drew: Don't make me get my Oompa-Loompa friends after you, OP. Jeff: What does OP stand for, anyway? Drew: Why doesn't Nick pull down his pants and we'll see. Dear brother? Nick: Hell no!! You guys might, uh, die of envy. Drew: (smiles wickedly) I think I took care of that with those scissors when we were little kids. Justin: Anyway... *hiccup* do you guys remember how *cough* we first got the red book? Nick: Ohh yeah... I remember our first story especially...
[Flashback: The guys are leaning on the bus, watching Nick look for his Swedish Made Penis Enlarger.] Nick: Damn it, Drew, where the hell did you put it? Drew: I wouldn't wanna touch that thing. Who knows where what's it's been used for has been? Nick: Your mama, that's where. Jeff: But if Drew and you have the same mom... *uncomfortable silence* Justin: Um, yeah, anyway... I think it might have gotten thrown away, Nick. Nick: That only leaves me one choice. (runs out to garbage bin and starts looking) Drew: That's it. He's no longer my brother. Gross. Jeff: Nick, dude, he's right. That's pretty damn nasty. Nick: Whoa, guys, look what I found! (holds up The Red Book) It's my favorite color!! Justin: Maybe it's a copy of the Kama Sutra. Drew: What use would you have for it? You never score. Hell, you can't even get a date! Jeff: Whatever. Let's open it, at least. Then Nick can find his Penis Enlarger and we can all get the hell to our next concert. Nick: OK, that works. (opens the book) It's fairy tales! God damned fairy tales!! Justin: Look a little bit more. Maybe some chick's phone number is in there. [Nick turns to Cinderella. Suddenly, they all disappear in a flash of light.]
[The guys are in one big pile in front of a big castle.] Justin: God, Nick, how many burgers did you eat today! Jeff: Drew, your elbow is digging into my boob! Nick: WOULD YOU GUYS GET OFF OF ME?! (Everyone gets sorted out.) Much better. Now where the hell are we? Drew: As weird as this may sound, I think we're in the fairy tale. Justin: You're telling us we're in Cinderella??!! Jeff: What the hell do you think he just said, dumbass? Nick: Hmm... if we're in Cinderella... I have an idea!! (whispers to the other guys) Let's go!!
[Later that night, at the ball...] Jeff: Nick, are you SURE this was a costume ball? Nick: Of course I am!! (straightens out his outfit) Drew: Damn it, why do we have to wear these stupid outfits and you get the cool one? Justin: Cause he wants to score with Cinderella before we can. Nick: Exactly. Now let's go. (They walk inside to see people dressed up in fine clothes.) Jeff: Wait a sec... this isn't a costume party? Nick: Um... eh heh... how convenient that I'm wearing the prince outfit and you guys are the slaves! See you guys. (Goes off in search of Cinderella.) Justin: This sucks. Wait a sec... there she is!!! (points to Cinderella) I'm gonna go talk to her. (walks up to Cinderella) Hey baby. Cinderella: Eeeewww... gross!! Justin: Wanna make sweet love? Cinderella: GET AWAY FROM ME!! (throws a glass slipper at Justin's head. It doesn't shatter, but leaves a mark and knocks him unconscious.) Damned nasty people. Now, where's my princey-poo?
[Jeff and the Prince see each other from across the room. Their eyes lock.] Jeff: I-I... Prince: I-I- I think I love you. Jeff: I think I love you too. (They embrace.) Cinderella: (taps on the Prince's shoulder) What the hell is going on??!! Prince: Cindy, I-I'm sorry, but I'm in love with someone else. Cinderella: Damn it! Now who am I supposed to marry to piss off my nasty stepsisters?! (spots Nick) Oh baby. (runs off as fast as her little glass slippers will carry her) Nick: (sees Cinderella) Baby, what's the matter? Cinderella: Oh, the man I was supposed to marry ran off with another guy. Wanna make me feel better? Nick: Ohh yeah. (They go into a palace bedroom.)
[The next morning. Nick and Cinderella are in bed together. Cinderella is back in her slave's outfit.] Nick: Hey, you said you were a princess!! Cinderella: Well, you said you had a monster in there!! Nick: It IS a monster!! Cinderella: What kind of monster? The scary, frightening baby carrot?
[Back to now.] Drew: SCARY FRIGHTENING BABY CARROT?! SHE SAID THAT?! (dissolves into laughter.) Nick: Do you wanna hear the rest of this or not??
[Back to flashback] Cinderella: GET OUT!!!! Nick: No problem, bitch. (Gets dressed and meets Drew and Justin in front of the castle) How was the party? Drew: Well, after Justin revived, we were kicked out. Jeff: (runs up sobbing) I've just lost the love of my life!! Justin: What happened to you? Jeff: H-he thought I was a woman and now he wants to kill me! WAAAHHHH!! Drew: (sees armed palace guards headed their way) I think we should go about now. Nick: (opens red book) Hopefully we can get back. (they disappear in a flash of light and reappear) Justin: (looks under bus) Yo, Nick, here's your Swedish thingy. Nick: (clutches it to his chest and cries tears of happiness) I never thought I'd see you again!! Drew: Does anyone else besides me think that this is kinda... gross?
[Back to now.] Drew: Nick, I must admit, I was happy for you. Nick: Y-you were? Aww... lil bro... (they embrace) Drew: Little?? What did you mean by that?! Nick: You know what I meant, short shit. Drew: At least I don't need a Swedish Made Penis Enlarger and two Viagras in my morning coffee, you impotent freak!! Nick: You little bastard!! (They start to fight) Jeff: Ahh... isn't it nice to have things back to normal? Justin: Awww yeah. Hey, pass me one of those Mountain Dew things. I wanna see the fire again. Jeff: No problem.