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Sleeping Beauty
[Typical afternoon. Nick is speaking in hushed tones to someone named "Curly", Justin is eating Twinkies and watching something on TV, Jeff is flipping through a plastic surery catalog, and Drew is counting his hats.] Nick: Official book you say?... Yes, I'm writing this down. I'm not dumb, you know. ...What do you mean we copy 'N Sync? I suppose YOU'RE the 'N Sync authority! ...So what if you're Justin Timberlake? ...YES, I know you're the N with the star in *NSYNC. ...Just give me the damned info! ...Video, book, and Christmas CD? That's it? Thanks, man. (hangs up phone) OK guys, listen up. I got some tips to get us successful. Jeff: (looks up from catalog) Aren't we already successful? I mean, how the hell else could I afford these pec implants? Justin: Yeah, and how else could we afford to resign in Florida. (All the other guys look at him funny) Say, isn't Norway in Sweden? (smacks his gum) Drew: Wait a minute... (picks up video case from on top of TV.) Justin! Backstreet Boys: All Access? Justin: (squirms) Hell, Nick Carter seems to get all those bimbos, if I act like him, shouldn't I be able to? (pops in another Twinkie) Nick: (slaps Twinkie away) Damn it, stop! If you keep spending our money on the damn Twinkies and your Nick Carter stalking campaign, I won't have enough for my special condoms! Drew: (mutters) Like you ever use them anyway, you lying asshole. You just jack off with them on and insist you were with the latest teenybopper sensation. Nick: (gives Drew the evil eye) Excuse you? WHAT did you say? Drew: You heard me. Doesn't that give you hairy palms? Ohhh, I get it, the hair gives you a new sensation! Nick: Say that to my face, you little shitbird. That is, if it doesn't take your short ass a year to climb up that far. Drew: Hell no. I might die of fright. Nick: You know what? I'm gonna call you Gopher. Cause you're so short, you're practically underground. Drew: Then why don't I call you CM? For Compulsive Masturbator! Nick: YOU LITTLE SACK OF TURDS! (Nick and Drew commence fighting) Jeff: (looks up from catalog and stares) Whoa! Quick, Justin, pour some mud on them for me! Justin: (scratches head) Why? Jeff: For my sexual enj-er, nevermind. Forget I said anything. (hides Playgirl inside of catalog) Nick: (pants) Stop... squeezing... my... nuts. Drew: (looks at him bewildered) Uhh... my hands are on my hat, dude. (Nick looks down to find a blushing Jeff) Jeff: I was, um, trying to help Drew! Honest! Justin: (shakes head) You're getting gayer and gayer every day, Jeff. What, is Alyssa not giving you satisfaction? Jeff: (sadly) We broke up. He, er, she wanted to date other men. (wipes away a tear) [Jeff is so disturbed by thoughts of his ex-"girl"friend that instead of opening his Playgirl, he accidentally gets the Red Book. They all do the disappearing bit.]
[The guys appear in front of a big ass barrier of thorns. Three chicks with wings are standing there, looking at them. It is the good fairies, Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather.] Merriweather: Flora, you ditz, you said the wrong spell! Instead of saving the prince at the last possible second, you transported these four idiots here! Flora: (giggles) Oopsies. (is entranced by a butterfly flying by) Fauna: Who are you four, anyway? Nick: (eyes all three of them) This is my singing group, 98*. I'm Nick, the lead singer. And just to let you know, ladies, I don't have any objections to group org-(All 3 fairies crack up.) What's so funny? Merriweather: (chuckles) W-we have t-the g-gift of X-X-ray vision. (goes into a fit of laughter again) Drew: Ah, say no more. Happens all the time. Now, what was that about a prince? Fauna: Ah, yes. Well, you see, inside that castle is a beautiful princess. (Nick perks up.) She's waiting for a prince to wake her up. The prince who was supposed to be saved from the evil fairy, Maleficent, at the last minute. But FLORA here (gestures to the bleach blond ditzy fairy) said the wrong spell. And that would be how you got here. Justin: Uh, no. Actually, we used this Red Book thingy, and were taken here. It happens a lot. Merriweather: Oh. (pause) So, what spell DID Flora say? Fauna: Err... shrinkage? (gestures discreetly toward Nick's groin) Drew: No, no, it's been that way since he was five. (A crafty grin spreads over his face.) Ahh... memories... Flora: (face lights up) ME KNOW! ME KNOW!! (jumps up and down excitedly) Everyone Else: What? What??? Flora: (grins cheekily) Spell send Maleficent here. (a loud roar is heard) Fauna: FLORA, YOU DUMBASS! Uh... hate to leave you guys... but... (all three fairies leave) Jeff: (huffs) Well, THAT was rude. We didn't even get to exchange hair tips.
(Maleficent comes up in the form of a dragon.) Dragon: Wait a sec... there's four of you? Damned multiple eyes. Nick: No, we're... 98*!!! (All four bow.) Maleficent: Who? Nick: You know... (breaks into song) It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do... Jeff: (hits his high note) YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH.... (Maleficent's eardrums burst) Maleficent: (writhes on ground in pain) NO!! MAKE IT STOP!!! Drew: Dude, we're beating her! One more high note and we'll have it!! Jeff: (massages throat and speaks hoarsely) Sorry... no can do... (gets kicked in the nuts by Justin) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Justin: (grins happily) I've always wanted to do that. Ever since he got that line in "The Hardest Thing"...
(Maleficent thuds to the ground, dead, ears bleeding) Drew: YEAH! WE DID IT! (The thorns vanish, revealing a beautiful castle.) Justin: Let's go find the princ-Nick? Where are you? Jeff: *snorts* Who needs a princess? Drew: Nick, obviously, considering the way he's hauling ass to the castle.
[In the castle with Nick...] Nick: Why the hell is everyone asleep?
(The other guys run up.) Drew: Cause you're supposed to wake up the princess-or at least, a prince is. Nick: I AM a prince, thank you. Drew: *snorts* You mean the frog prince? Justin: You guys, listen, let's just get going before Jeff decides to raid the chick's closet and steal her bras. Jeff: (perks up) Did someone say... bras? (drool forms at corners of mouth) Drew: (rolls eyes) Nice work, Justin. You've created a monster. (Nick sneaks off.) Damn it, there goes Nick again! Justin: How the hell are we supposed to find him? Drew: (lightbulb forms over head) Idea! Jeff... sniff out the bras!! (Jeff gets on hands and knees and sniffs around. He points in one direction.) Justin: Let's go! We gotta find her before Nick does and scares her! (They run off in the direction Jeff pointed to)
[In the Princess's chamber...] Nick: (looks at princess) Whoa... hey BABY!! (He bends down and kisses her.) Princess: (eyes flying open) EWWWW!! THEY SAID PRINCE, NOT DICKLESS OGRE!! (falls back on bed) Nick: (gets gleam in eyes) I know how to wake her up... (undresses and gets in bed with her) Hey baby... want some of this? Princess: Some of... what? I don't feel a damned thing. Nick: (taps on thigh) You just THINK that's my leg. Princess: (starts screaming) HELP!! HELP MEEEEEEE!!! (Since all the palace people have woken up, they all come in. Nick quickly dresses.) Nick: Bitch, you could've had extreme pleasure- Drew: (from doorway) From what? Your second pinky? Nick: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! Drew: (smirks) For shame... insulting Mom like that... Jeff: Justin, open the Red Book. There's no prince here... this sucks. Justin: Ehhh... ok. [He opens the Book and they all go back.]
[Back in their room...] Nick: You know, if Justin hadn't opened the book, I'd have scored. Drew: Denial is bad, Nick... very bad. Nick: Do you EVER shut up? Justin: Isn't brotherly love so wonderful?? Jeff: (eyes gleam) You guys, if you're gonna fight, could you maybe do it in a big arena full of chocolate puddi-nevermind. Nick: (hastily) Drew, truce. Drew: (just as hastily) I totally agree. Justin: T-they called a truce? *faints* Jeff: (pouts) Damn... and I thought tonight would be interesting. Oh well, I'll just have to look in my Playgirl collection.