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The Three Little Pigs-Version #2 Idea by Jess (jessgreen@hotmail.com)
Webmistress's Note: I hope you're getting used to these by now. I got two ideas for a Three Little Pigs one, and they were both awesome! Now, this fairy tale also features yours truly. =) I didn't want to put myself in any of the previous fairy tales, because I thought it would seem egotistical. BUT, thanks to this entry, I can finally put myself in one without looking like a conceited egomaniac! *does jiggy dance* Thanks for the opportunity, Jess, and I hope everyone likes this!
[Jess is backstage after a 98 concert, trying to get backstage passes.] Jess: I swear, Justin is my, uh, second cousin twice-removed! Guard #1: Nice try. You'll have to do better. Jess: *thinks* Hmm... better... *looks down at skirt and gets idea* So... how old are you again? *shows some leg* Guard #2: *drooling* Uhmm... old enough to decide you deserve these. Here. *hands her two backstage passes* Jess: Aww... you're so SWEET! *grins and walks off* Guard #1: Damn you! She was coming on to me first! Guard #2: Tough shit, stingy-ass. Guard #1: Oh, go to hell. (Meanwhile, Jess is walking around to find the friend she came with.) Jess: Look! I got two backstage passes! Friend (we'll call her T): And..? Jess: Wanna go? T: Uh... not really... to tell the truth, I didn't really wanna see them in concert, let alone meet them. They're kinda... icky. Especially the one who doesn't know how to wear a shirt with his overalls. Jess: *shrugs* Suit yourself. (She puts on the pass and walks around backstage. She sees a brunette girl arguing with a different guard. [That's me!!]) Beth: Oh come on... one teeny weeny backstage pass. It's not like I'm plotting to murder them or anything... Guard: How do we know that? Beth: Oh please. If I were gonna murder them, I think I'd choose a better location than this ghetto-ass arena. Jess: *speaks up* I have an extra pass... Beth: *perks up* Really? Well screw you then, you hippie guard. And that's not an offer. *takes the pass from Jess* Thank you SOOOOO MUCH! By the way, my name is Beth. And no, I'm not an alcoholic. Jess: I'm Jess. And on that alcoholic bit... I'll, uh, plead the 5th. Beth: *laughs* I know what you mean. C'mon, let's go backstage. So, where are you from..?
[Backstage outside of the dressing room...] Beth: Ready to go in? Jess: I guess... as long as I don't see Nick and Jessica making out, it's gonna be cool. Beth: I know exactly what you mean. (They open the door, and the first thing they see is Nick and Jessica on a couch, making out.) Jess: AUGH!!! Beth: VIRGIN EYES! VIRGIN EYES! *covers her eyes* Jessica (as in Simpson): Like, what's your problem? *giggles and goes back to playing tonsil hockey with Nick* Jess: Ick. What the hell does she see in him? Beth: Well, a guy who it's easy to stay virginal with... I mean, even if he put it in, she wouldn't feel a thing. Jess: True, true. Let's, ah, leave them alone and try to find the other members. (They find Drew next, almost in tears, frantically looking for something.) Beth: What are you looking for? Drew: *tearily* M-my hat... Jess: Um... how many hats do you have again? Like, a zillion? I'm sure you could find one on the tourbus. Drew: *sniffles* But I want my lucky hat... the black one... Beth: Aren't most of your hats black? *sighs* Nevermind. Drew: *brightens up* I know! I bet Nick knows where it is! (He runs off.) Jess: *calls after him* WAIT! He's... uhm.. he's... er... Beth: "Otherwise occupied"? Jess: Yeah. *sees that Drew is long gone* Oh, screw it. Let's find Jeff and Justin. Beth: ...And pray that it doesn't get worse before it gets better. (After turning a corner, the two girls find Jeff surrounded by piles and piles of many-colored bras.) Jeff: Hey guys, I need a woman's opinion. What looks better on me? Rosewood floral? *holds it up to his chest* Or topaz? *holds that one up to his chest too* Jess: Beth, you have this one. Hey Jeff... where's Justin? Jeff: Last time I saw him, he was going into the bathroom with a Playboy. Beth: Ugh... mental images... *both of them shudder at the mental pictures* (Justin comes out of the bathroom and seems happy to see fans. Smiling, he extends both hands to Beth and Jess. They both stick their hands deep into their pockets.) Beth: Now where did I put that, uhm, lip gloss... Jess: *hastily* I know I had that gum in here... Oh, by the way Justin, good show. Beth: Yeah, I, uh, loved the bulletproof vest look... very GI Joe... Jess: *snorts* Yeah, and the ripof--I mean, uh, "creative use" of Eminem's song was good. Beth: *looks at Justin's hands* Did you wash your hands, young man? Justin: *snaps fingers* I KNEW I forgot something! *goes back into bathroom to wash his hands* (Beth and Jess shudder yet again.)
[Nick, Jessica Simpson, and Drew come in arguing.] Nick: I can't BELIEVE you slept with Drew when you could have had THIS! *points down south* Jess: *whispers to Beth* Smart girl, that Jessica Simpson. (Beth laughs.) Drew: *looks very confused* All I wanted was my hat... Jessica said it was hidden... and that I had to find it... and... and... *starts bawling* S-she said it was hidden... d-down there... and... and... Nick: How the fuck could you sleep with MY girlfriend?! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO DEFLOWER HER! ME!! Jessica: *laughs* Not with that toothpick you call a penis. *she gets up* I need to use the bathroom. Beth: *calls after her* Don't sit on the seat. You don't know who's been doing what in there. (Drew is still laughing at what Jessica said about the toothpick. Nick pounces on him and lifts him over his head.) Drew: OK! OK! Uncle! UNCLE!! (Nick throws him down on the floor) Ow... Justin: *appears and mutters under breath* We've all slept with Jessica Simpson... even Jeff. (Both Beth and Jess hear him.) Jess: *wide eyed* You mean he's not... (They turn to see Jeff talking about his bras still.) Beth: Scratch that last part. He's still gay. (Jess picks up a Red Book off of the floor.) Jess: The guys can READ? Damn... Hooked On Phonics must work miracles every day. (She starts to open it.) 98: NOT AGAIN!! [Everyone disappears in a poof.]
[They land in a forest.] Jess: OK... what the hell did that [(-censored-)] book do? Justin: Well... you see... Nick was looking for something one day, and he found the Book in a Dumpster. He opened it, and we appeared in a fairy tale. Jeff: You wouldn't believe the stuff that's happened to us. We've been attacked by dwarves... well, Nick has... Nick: *interrupts* Shaddup. I've met MANY lovely ladies... *chuckles* Drew: *under his breath* And been turned down by them all... Nick: *shoots Drew an evil look* And anyway, here we are in a new one. Wonder what one it is... *looks on the path* Nevermind. (Everyone looks on the path and sees three pigs, each with a wheelbarrow. One has bricks, one has sticks, and one has straw.) Justin: *drooling uncontrollably* DINNER TIME! *pulls silverware out of pocket and chases after them* Jess: *sighs* Must we follow the porkball? Drew: That's the way it usually goes. Nick: You, Beth, and I could always stay behind and you two can see what my girlfriend missed out on... Beth: We're following the porkball. (Beth, Jess, Drew, and Nick follow Justin's trail. Jeff lags behind.) Jeff: *in a whiny voice* Wait up, guys! My bra strap is twisted! Wait! (He runs while fixing his strap)
[The five travelers hear sounds of scuffling.] Nick: The local ladies must've heard I was coming, so that must be them fighting over me. Beth: Why would they? I mean... nobody could find it but you... and it's too small to cut into equal shares... Jeff: Oh man, that's gotta hurt. (Sees the reason for the scuffling; the three pigs are beating the crap out of Justin for trying to eat them.) ...But I bet that's worse. Jess: I don't know why... but I feel sorry for him. Beth: Let's help him out... I feel like doing my good deed for the day. (Beth and Jess pull the pigs off of Justin.) Nick: *sees the straw, sticks, and bricks* What're those for? Straw Pig: We're gonna build houses. I'm using straw for mine... Stick Pig: ...I'm using sticks... Brick Pig: ...and I'm using bricks! Drew: *jumps up and down excitedly* We get to build houses! YIPPEE! (Nobody else is all that excited.) Jeff: I'd rather fix my bra... Justin: I'd rather have some... bacon... and spareribs... *stares at pigs* Nick: *looks at Jess and Beth lustfully* I'd rather do... other things... Beth: I just wanna go home. Jess: Ditto. Nick: How about you two come with me to the forest for some "fun"? Beth: Lemme think... NO. (She kicks him in the privates. He doesn't even flinch.) Why..? Oh yeah... can't hurt if nothing's there. Jess: Good point. Why don't we just split into three groups of two? I mean, building houses is the best option right now... Justin: OK, but who goes with who? Jess: Let's see... Justin, even though I found out you were "walking the dog" not too long ago, you're still my favorite, so you can go with me. Who do you wanna go with, Beth? Beth: None of them... that's like asking "What color of hot tar would you rather have poured in your nostrils: blue, red, or green?" Jess: How about you go with Jeff? I mean, he won't hit on you or anything like that... Beth: *looks at Jeff, who is lustfully eyeing Nick* Ehh... fine. Jess: That means that the brothers work together. Brick Pig: I'll work with Beth and Jeff. Stick Pig: I'll work with Jess and Justin.
Straw Pig: I'll work with... *sees he's stuck with Nick and Drew* DAMN! [Everyone goes their separate ways.]
[With Straw Pig, Nick, and Drew...] Straw Pig: I think we'll build... here. *sets down his straw* (Nick starts to walk away.) Drew: Where the hell do you think YOU'RE going? Nick: I know that after those two ladies see my massive manhood, they'll be begging for it. Therefore, I'm gonna go find them. Drew: *mumbles* That's why your girlfriend called your dick a toothpick. Nick: *evil glare* WHAT did you say? Drew: I said... I said... that I don't know how Jess and Justin are going to build a house with sticks. Yeah, that's it! (Nick walks away. Eventually, Drew and the Straw Pig finish the house. All of a sudden, the ground starts to shake.) Deep, Scary Voice: Little Drew, little Drew, let me in! Straw Pig: *trying to throw Drew outside* He's right here, Wolf! Right here!!! Drew: *balled up on the floor* Mommy!! HELP ME!! DSV: Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN!! (A great gust of wind blows down the straw house.) Straw Pig: I have to warn my brothers about the wolf! Get off the floor, you friggin' baby!!! [He yanks Drew's hand and runs to Stick Pig's house.]
[At Stick Pig's house, Jess is helping Stick Pig with the final touches. Justin is rubbing sticks together trying to figure out how to get fire from sticks.] Justin: *muttering* If 8 year old Boy Scouts can do this, so can I. Jess: *rolls eyes at him* Why was he ever my favorite... (All of a sudden, the earth trembles.) DSV: Little Justin, little Justin, let me in... (Jess and Stick Pig each grab an arm, trying to drag him out of the door.) Stick Pig: Here he is! Jess: Lots of meat on THESE bones! (Justin bites a chunk out of Stick Pig's arm, and bites Jess's hand.) Jess: YOU PROBABLY JUST GAVE ME RABIES, YOU [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)]!!! (She kicks Justin in his privates; he goes down screaming.) DSV: Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow the house down. (A big gust of wind makes the stick house topple. The three lay under the sticks, unable to move. All of a sudden, Drew and Straw Pig are peering down at them.) Drew: *frantically* This wolf is gonna come over to this house and huff and puff
and blow your house down so you better get out of here!!! Justin: *looks up at Drew and smacks him on the head* No shit Sherlock! Drew: *totally oblivious* Who's Sherlock? Jess: *shakes head in disgust* Nevermind. We have to go warn Beth, Jeff, and Brick Pig! [Jess, Justin, and Stick Pig get out from under the sticks and run to the Brick Pig's house.]
[Brick Pig, Beth, and Jeff are decorating Brick Pig's house. Beth is decorating the kitchen, while Jeff is talking with the Brick Pig on the essence of matching bath towel sets. They hear a banging at the door, and people screaming.] Brick Pig: *relieved to have an excuse to escape Jeff* I'll go get that. (He opens the door and everyone but Nick rushes in, babbling all at once.) Beth: EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!! *everyone shuts up* Jess, you tell me what the hell is going on! Jess: You see, we're being followed by this wolf, who's looking for 98, not the pigs. He's been blowing down the houses! Beth: No shit, geniuses. They're made of sticks and straw! Even I could blow them down!! (The earth trembles.) Ohh boy. I take it that's him. DSV: 98, 98, let me in! Justin: NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN! Jess: Oh, NOW you want to follow the story! Beth, 98, and the Pigs: Hey, this IS 98 style! Jess: Oooooookkaaaaaaaaaay. DSV: Then I'll huff... and I'll puff... and all that crap. (He blows and blows, but the house still stands.) Beth: One question: Why the hell does he want 98... and not the pigs? Jess: *looks out the window* OH MY GOD! Everyone Else: What? What? Jess: That's not a wolf! IT'S LOU PEARLMAN! (Jeff, Justin, and Drew scream bloody murder.) Lou: *in his deep, scary voice* Hey! I'm 800 pounds. I can run into the house and knock it down! Then I can kidnap 98, make them into a boyband, and steal all of their money! HAHAAHAHA! (He butts his fat head into the house, and it starts to crumble. Everyone is scared shitless.) Beth: Jess! Where's the Red Book? Jess: *looks around* I don't have it! Beth: We're in trouble now! GOD [(-censored-)] MOTHER [(-censored-)] TICKETS! I WISH I HAD [(-censored-)] SAVED MY MONEY FOR A GOD [(-censored-)] 'N SYNC CD INSTEAD OF THAT DAMN TICKET!! [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)] [(-censored-)]!!! (Justin, Jeff, Jess, and Drew follow suit, figuring they're gonna die anyway. Then, all of a sudden, Nick walks through the back door.) Drew: Nick! You're alive! (He hugs him, but Nick pushes him to the floor.) Nick: Sorry... I'm here on business. (He walks over to the two girls and drops his pants, the ordurve pickle painfully obvious. Jeff, Justin, Drew, and the pigs are laughing hysterically. Beth and Jess, however, don't find it so funny.) Jess: That's it, Nick! I am TIRED of you hitting on us and trying to charm me and Beth with your... with your... I don't know WHAT the hell you call THAT... but I'm TIRED of it! (She and Beth proceed to beat the shit out of Nick.) Jeff: *interrupting the beating* Guys... Nick does need a beating every now and then... but look! (They look up to see the wall give away.) Beth: WHO THE HELL HAS THE GOD DAMNED BOOK?!?!?!? Jeff: *looks in his Kate Spade bag* A-HA! Here it is!! [He opens the Book and they return to the backstage area.]
[Back in the backstage area, they all hear moaning from the bathroom.] Jessica from bathroom: OH PARIS! DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!! Drew: *gets teary eyed again* She didn't have my hat! That lying bitch! I'm gonna tell my mommy on her! (He goes into a corner to cry. Meanwhile, Nick and Justin are trying to mack on some younger fans. Jeff spies a pretty 16 year old fan and asks her where she gets her bras.) Beth: *looks at Jess* Let's get outta here. Jess: You don't have to ask me twice. (They see some 12 year old fans trying to get backstage.) Ready for another random act of kindness? Beth: Well, it's not really kindness, but OK. (They each give a pass to the girls.) Beth and Jess: Have fun, you two! And don't open any Red Books, whatever you do!