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The Three Little Pigs-Version #1 Idea by Cara (CarebearDB09@aol.com)
Webmistress's Note: This is the first entry I received for the fairy tale contest. It's different from my others in that some (OK, most) of the members of 98* die in it. Before you get your panties all up in a wad, I DON'T WISH 98* TO BE DEAD.
Now that the legal crap is out of the way, enjoy!
[The four guys are in a YMCA. Drew is trying unsuccessfully to shoot baskets (too short), Nick is playing tennis against a wall, Justin is trying to lift weights to impress chicks, and Jeff is doing pec exercises to make his boobs larger.] Drew: (shoots an air ball) Why can't I shoot a freaking basket? Nick: (hits the ball) Because one, you have to be smarter than the basket, and two, you have to be taller than a chipmunk. Drew: Well, unlike you, Nick, a chipmunk has nuts... if you get what I'm saying.
Nick: (glares) No... I have NO idea what you're talking about. Jeff: 123... 124... ahhh, if I do 200 more, I can go up a size! Justin: (does an arm curl) Ahhh... I feel the burn... I'm ready to upgrade to a two pounder. Nick: This is what you get for lifting Quarter Pounders, Justin... Justin: Hey! It's 1/4 a pound... so what if it's a burger at Mickey D's? Jeff: Mickey D's... did you know, Justin, after what happened in Berlin, we are no longer allowed in any McDonald's in Germany? Justin: Hey! I was hungry, yo! Drew: Hungry enough to attempt to climb the pole and eat the rotating fry box? Justin: Ugh!! You guys are so mean!! I know what I'll do! (He threateningly holds up the Red Book.) Jeff: JUSTIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (They all run toward Justin in slow-motion. Too late, though; he opens up the Red Book, and they all disappear.)
[The four guys land in front of a half-finished house of straw. A pig wearing jeans and an Adidas shirt is working on it.] Jeff: What the... they have Adidas here? Drew: (eyes lighting up) Maybe they have hat stores too!! Justin: Like you need any more hats. Nick: (salivating) I want me some o' dem pork chops. (Starts toward pig) Hey bebbe, want some special sauce for that ham steak? Pig #1: PERVERT! (Drew whispers something to the pig. Grinning, it holds up hay. Nick's nose squinches up, and he starts to sneeze.) Jeff: Huh? Justin: Wha? Drew: (smirks) Nick has a little allergy to hay. Nick: (sneeze) You... little... (ahchoo) prick! Drew: No, the little prick would be you. (Nick starts to go toward Drew menacingly, but then comes.... *dun dun dun* THE WOLF!) Pig #1: Ohhh my God.... ohhh my God... (It squeals and runs inside. Nick, Jeff, and Justin soon follow, leaving Drew out there.) Drew: (breathes in deeply and sticks out his chest) I am an EMT, dammit, and I WILL show it! (He stands in the wolf's path, hands on hips.) Wolf: (looks down at Drew, who only comes up to his butt) Boy, what da HELL you be doin'? You short, foo. (He steps over Drew into the house.) Yo, lil pig, lemme in, G! Pig #1: Hell no! Wolf: Damn, I hate doing this. Makes it hard to smoke them Cuban cigars. (He huffs and puffs and the flimsy house comes crashing down.) Justin: (looking down at his belly, then his frightened bandmates, repeatedly) Screw those hippies. Yo Wolf! Wolf: What you want, foo? Justin: What say we team up and split the bacon? Wolf: Lemme think... NO. I think I'll just eat you instead. Justin: But... but... what about 98*?! The fans would be crushed!! 98* would be ruined!! Nick: Uh... Justin? Nobody would notice. Drew: Yeah, nobody gives a shit about you. Jeff: Why have meatloaf when you can have filet mignon? Wolf: Ooh... no guilt... cool. (He eats Justin, then looks up.) Yo, where did everyone go? (He sees a trail left by Nick's unbuckled overall straps.) DAMN DOSE PEEPS!!
[At the next pig's house...] Nick: (sees Pig #2) Ooh baby... that be some tender loins! Grr baby! (advances toward the pig) Pig #2: Get the hell away from me, you overgrown hormone! Drew: (smirks) He's not overgrown in one area... more like undergrown. Nick: Shut up, you lil fa--OWW!! (Nick has been poked in the eye with a stick by Pig #2) Drew: Ha ha... serves you right. Nick: You wouldn't be able to handle me anyways, dammit. Pig #1: Smooth move, my brother. Jeff: (gazes at Pig #2) I love a man who can take charge. Pig #2: Girl, you are mighty fine. Let's elope. Jeff: (ignores the "girl" part) Anything you say, pookie. (They skip out the door, hand in hand, and run right into the wolf.) Wolf: Mmmm... more bacon! (Jeff and Pig #2 squeal in fright.) Drew: Here we go again... (steps between wolf and Jeff & the pig, and reaches up to tap the wolf's thigh) Um, excuse me, but isn't it obvious these pigs find something wrong with you trying to EAT THEM?! Wolf: Shut up, shrimp. (knocks him out of the way) Now, I'm mighty pissed, and mighty hungry, so you'se both gettin' eaten! (Eats Jeff and the pig.) Now, where did they go again? (Looks at the trail of hats Drew left behind) Damn, I hate this running stuff. Especially when I don't have my Nikes on.
[At the brick palace of Pig #3...] Nick: (looks at Pig #3) It's worth another shot. Besides, maybe I'll be the right, um, "size". (Goes up to Pig #3) You know, I think they should rearrange the alphabet so that "u" and "i" are-- (is interrupted by the sound of the wolf huffing and puffing) Drew: (almost delirious by now) Nick... your turn... (collapses)
Nick: As always, the BIGGER brother has to fight. I'm so darn cool... Pig #3: Is he always like this? Drew: Oh yeah. Pig #1: I have an idea. (They huddle and whisper while Nick talks about how great he is.) Sound like a plan? Drew: I like it, I like it. Nick: (sees the three coming toward him) Are you here to admire my muscular phys-- (They pick him up and start walking toward the door.) What the-? Huh? LET ME DOWN! Drew: In the famous words of 'N Sync, "bye bye bye", Nick. (They throw him out the door, where he is quickly devoured by the wolf.) Wolf: *burps loudly* Ahh... that's more like it... who needs pig when you have steroid-enhanced human? (Goes home.) Pig #1: (motions to Drew) What do we do with him? Pig #3: Hmmm... hey yo, wanna be our maid? Drew: Do you have hat stores here? Pig #1: The same place I get my Adidas threads. Drew: Hell, this is paradise! I'm staying. (Everyone lives relatively happily ever after.)