chicago, il


reports of jesus sightings have been in abundance since the break of the first century, dating back to judas seeing his old drinking buddy in the donkey pen where he often hung out looking for a mate. "i told that bastard i didn't mean to screw him over like that! now, he makes me feel all guilty by coming back every few weeks and haunting me. jesus just doesn't understand how sensitive i am," said judas, two years after jesus was literally "hung out to dry."


two thousand years after his death, jesus is up to his crazy antics again, stirring up trouble everywhere he walks or hovers, this time at an unsuspecting college campus in chicago, loyola university. scott bramley describes jesus as a "god damned guy that looks just like that sandal wearing, donkey fucking nazarean, they called jesus." dave spaulding agrees, saying, "yeah, he looks like that."


jesus is everywhere, even at basketball games. says mary, mother of three, including jesus, "he always liked to go out and play with the boys." after a pause, "wait, i just realized we didn't have basketball when he was alive." regardless, jesus has brougth loyola good luck, for they stand in last place in the mcc as of the seventh of february.


jesus made an appearance at the save ferris show on campus (see picture), as well. said singer, monique of save ferris, "i'm really only into hairy chicks."


among other places, jesus has been found perusing bars, such as hamilton's, where bouncers are amazed at his ID, which has been expired for over 1900 years. todd, the dumb guy at the door says of jesus's deviance, "we don't care. we just want his money. he's a big bloody mary fan. we can't imagine why."


if you have any information about jesus, don't tell us, please. we're tired of hearing about him. his biography's been a best-seller, since, like, 1 A.D. it's ridiculous.

brian pope, jeff pope, and dave spaulding managed to catch a picture of jesus checkin' out ho's outside skyscraper auditorium.



where the heart is where my heart is where hearts are
on paper with ink holding my heart
nameless today feature of the week