Lance's Forced Loss Of Innocence

If anyone has read my In Ten Years... section, they would have seen my theory on Lance's rape by Topanga. This is where I tell my story.

*NOTE*: You are listening to "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base.

You see how tired I look? That's due to my whiplash night with Topanga the RAPIST!

Well, it's no great secret anymore that Lance was dating Danielle Fishel. Do you know who this is? Well, if not, this atrocity is Topanga. Do you not know who Topanga is? Well, I'll show you.

Yeah, I got Lance wrapped around my little finger. Evil, evil me.

That, my friends, is Topanga. That is what I will refer to her as now. Notice anything about her? She appears to be a skank. And why is that? BECAUSE SHE IS! And you know what she did to our innocent, wonderful Lance? She raped him. Oh yes, she did. She handcuffed him to a bed and went down on sweet little James. Let me provide you with another picture.

Let's just see how far I can stick my chest out.

Let's examine the evidence of this crime. ..... 1)Lance always said he wanted a religious girl. Now, I don't reveal my sources (mostly because I don't remember my sources) but I heard in more places than one that Topanga is not religious! My goodness, so that explains why she raped Lance! But no. There are more reasons. ..... 2)Let's consider. 'N Sync has sold 22+ million copies of their record worldwide. Using deductive reasoning, I have no doubt in my mind that he is a rich little boy. And so what? Topanga is money hungry! Wouldn't you be? Boy, to keep up all of the surgical enhancement charges, you'd need a wealthy man. ..... 3)For now at least, I have one more major reason. The girl is a SKANK, I don't even question this, and her logic is, "Why go for one boy when I could have five?" Topanga knew that Lance was bosom-buddy tight with the other guys, so she figured that if she got in with Lance, it's wham, bam, thank you Ma'am (or Sir, as the case may be) and onto the next 'N Sync-er. ..... Now, I don't know if I have yet convinced you of my correctness. I'll provide you with one last picture.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Or because I have bigger hair than you.

Anyway, as you know, at least according to Lance, the two are no longer together. Obviously, Lance held back his money and his friends, and stuck true to his religious morals. That's our Lance. However, they're still friends, and in the words of the Spice Girls, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." Topanga's wrath is mighty, and her rampage may not be over yet. We can only hope and pray. Signing off, Sleuth Emily

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