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CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
Despite herself, Shannon was quite wound up about seeing Taylor again. She was uncomfortable…yet somewhat curious at the same time.
She was definitely worried.
She was worried that when she saw him, her heart would crack open, her emotions would spill out, and she’d fall in love again. She desperately didn’t want that to happen…especially one day before she left for six months.
If she had still been in love with Taylor, she wouldn’t have applied for the exchange in the first place.
_ _ _
"Do I really want to do this?" Taylor whispered to himself.
His uncertain hand was gripping onto the corner of a letter, the greater part of which was already dangling into the post box. If he dropped the letter, then she would know everything. The complete and utter, heartfelt truth. He was terrified.
But it was stupid to keep on censoring his emotions. To keep on hiding. To not drop the letter, and let her leave without knowing or understanding, would just be plain wrong.
"Yes." He breathed decisively, and let go.
He heard the letter rustle as it fell, and closed his eyes. It was out of his hands now. Taylor turned slowly and walked away.
_ _ _
I sit here, waiting, wondering, hoping, that I’ll make this right
‘Cause all I think about is your hands
Your face, and all these lonely nights
There’s a feeling that’s screaming in the back of my head
Saying over and over
I want to hold you and love you in my arms and then
I want to need you ‘cause I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply she’ll never let you in
This time tonight
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you’d look at me and want to stay
If only I’d take you in my arms and say
I wont go ‘cause I need you
Taylor changed his shirt for the fifth time, and still felt wrong. Shaking his head, he changed his pants, and cringed. In his effort to impress he had suddenly found himself dressed in his best performance clothes. Dork. He rolled his eyes, and emptied his drawers onto his cloth-strewn floor, scavenging for some more casual and comfortable clothes.
He found some, and changed…again. He stood before the mirror for a few moments, trying to see himself as she would.
It didn’t look so bad…actually…no, yes it did.
Taylor groaned and knocked his forehead against a nearby wall.
"I can’t do this." He breathed.
This was ridiculous. He’d never spent so long getting ready in his life.
Ignoring what he was clothed in for a moment, he made his way to the bathroom. Leaning close to the mirror, he cringed at what he saw. His hair was wavy and messy, falling harshly across his tired, red rimmed eyes and pale cheeks. His usually smooth complexion had conveniently chosen today to break from its usually clarity.
He looked over the anxious, tense, and tired expression etched on his face, and felt panic rush through his system.
How much time did he have?
He glanced at his watch and smiled weakly.
6:00am
Six hours to go.
It was going to be a long morning.
_ _ _
"Zac!"
"Shannon!" He yelled back down his mobile phone, grinning. "Are you coming soon?"
As he spoke, he glanced over to where Taylor was sitting on a log, throwing twigs anxiously into the campfire in the centre of the clearing. The rest of his family plus Lara were preparing food on a nearby table. They had chosen to have their little gathering in a beautiful public park, not too far from the Hanson’s house. Taylor had been a nervous wreck all morning.
Shannon was silent.
Zac’s face fell nervously.
"Shannon?" He questioned weakly.
"Zac, my plane time’s been moved. To 6:00pm today, instead of tomorrow."
Zac shook his head, guessing what she was going to say.
"No, Shannon you have to come today." He commanded.
"Zac, I can’t. I haven’t finished packing and…"
"No you don’t understand you have to come!"
"Zac, can you Ike and Lara still come and see me off at the airport? At 6:00 tonight?"
"Well, yeah, but…"
"Ok that’s all I need to know. I’m sorry Zac. I really have to go and start trying to organise myself."
Zac was silent.
"Zac?"
"I hope you realise you’ve just broken Taylor’s heart." He stated coldly.
Shannon shook her head and rolled her eyes. Zac was so melodramatic, and the last thing she wanted on her mind right now was her relationship with Taylor.
"Oh Zac, he’ll be fine." She groaned.
Zac closed his eyes. She just didn’t get it.
"Bye ok?" She continued. "I’ll see you at the airport."
"See ya." He mumbled.
Shannon hung up, and sighed. Despite her regret in not being able to attend, Shannon felt a little relieved that she wouldn’t have to face Taylor. She knew he’d be disappointed, but he’d get over it. It’s not like she can’t be replaced…he just needed a close friend, as everybody does. He’d be fine.
Zac closed his eyes for a moment, and glanced at Isaac feverishly. He desperately didn’t want to have to be the one to tell him, and hated Isaac and Lara for making him. Taking a deep breath, he began marching briskly up to his brother before he wimped out.
"Tay?"
Taylor looked up questioningly.
"Shannon’s not coming." He blurted out.
Zac’s heart ached as he watched the agony melting into Taylor’s eyes.
"What?" He breathed.
"She…she can’t come. Her plane time was…I…she’s leaving today instead…and…" Zac’s voice trailed off weakly, his brown eyes helpless under his brother’s tormented stare.
Taylor stood abruptly, tears stinging his inconsolable blue eyes. He paused for a moment before running a hand feverishly through his hair and throwing the sticks he was holding to the ground. As soon as his back was turned, hot tears escaped down his cheeks, and he began to run from the park.
Zac, Isaac and Lara watched in silence as he left.
He never came back.
I got my joy all broken into
But if anyone can heal me baby it’s you
Won’t you come and hold my hand
This world has taken my as far as it can without your smile
_ _ _ _
Shannon marched around the house for the last time…again. It was just so much more than a simple farewell. Today was like saying goodbye to her life. Goodbye to her country, her routines, her possessions, and her relationships. That last one was the hardest of all.
Thankfully, Rachael was at camp, and her father was interstate, which left only her mother, Caroline. Shannon was grateful, for the larger the crowd, the closer she was going to be to losing it. Her and Rachael had been getting along better recently. Shannon’s newfound, persona humbled and intimidated her, and a respect had developed between them which had never been possible before.
Shannon slowly made her way to her room, and pushed the door open with a sigh. Two letters for her were waiting on her bed, and she approached them eagerly. One was from her host parents overseas. She decided to read that later, and stuffed it in her pocket. The second letter stopped her cold. Shannon recognised the handwriting immediately. Taylor. A letter from Taylor. A little unsure of what to expect, she opened the envelope and pulled out the paper.
"Shannon,
Hey. How are you? So, you’re going to Germany for six months? Wow. I was extremely surprised at that news, to say the least. Suddenly I realise that I can’t let you go without you knowing how I really feel. The idea of you leaving without knowing seems so wrong…so here I am, writing this letter to you.
The day you left I was so mad at you, and I guess you felt exactly the same. I’m sure that we both said things we didn’t mean, or at least I certainly did. But after that, you were gone and I still can’t work out why you never gave me a second chance. I screwed up so many times, and you were always there. I depended on your support and your inspiration and your love so badly…but I never knew it. You’re so strong Shannon. So much more than I ever was. You’ve been strong enough to forget about me, but I haven’t forgotten about you. Not for a second. You rule my thoughts every minute of every day, and keep me awake through the night. I need you, and didn’t even realise it until you were gone. Then one day Isaac told me it was love. I’d never even considered it. It never crossed my mind. But you know what? He was right. The more I think about it, the more right it seems. I’ve been in love with you the whole time Shannon. I was in love with you all those nights we spent together. I was in love with you when I wrote songs with a passion I didn’t know I had. I was in love with you when we laughed till we cried. I was in love with you when I kissed you that day. And I’m still in love with you now.
I can’t ask you to love me again, even though it would change my entire life and take it to a level I’ve never even been able to comprehend. All I can ask is for your forgiveness and your understanding. All I ask is that you don’t shut me out. Don’t push me away. Because I may be able to find a way to live without your love…but I can’t live without you.
So, when I see you next week, say hi. Remember that I’ve missed you more than anything I’ve ever known.
And don’t leave me for half a year without saying goodbye. I know you won’t, because I’m counting on it...and you can’t do that to me. Not now. I’ll miss you more than words can say, and remember always that my heart will forever be torn in my longing for you.
Keep smiling, my sweet, amazing Shannon.
Love always,
Taylor."
Shannon’s legs gave way, and she fell back onto a chair, dropping the letter to the floor. There were tears rolling down her cheeks.
"No." She whispered. "Oh no, not now. Don’t tell me this now."
Her heart was screaming. All the emotions she had shut away were banging and tearing her down from the inside, begging to be set free. She battled with herself, forcing back her longing and yearning for him. She pulled on every ounce of her strength to lock it all away. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and regained her composure.
"Shannon, half an hour before we leave!!" Her mother yelled.
Shannon felt herself go cold. Zac’s words rang in her head.
"I hope you realise that you’ve just broken Taylor’s heart."
She squeezed her eyes shut, cursing the postman’s slackness, and her own blindness.
Now she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go and leave without saying goodbye. Not after this letter. Not now. Suddenly she snapped into action and began throwing her things together. She stuffed his letter in her pocket along with the one from Germany. She ran down the stairs, her heart racing.
"Mum…there’s something we have to do before I go."
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