Private Industry

VERSE 1
So, I went to buy an asteroid, and they said a billion bucks
for metal, rocks, and water ice--now that price really sucks
So, I looked at all the shuttles, and decided to build my own
‘cos private industry in space is sure the way to go

CHORUS 1
Well, NASA's gotta lotta things, but gee, they're goin broke
and Russia's had an edge, it seems, but oh, it's kinda slow
So, if I wanna see the stars without a lot of dough,
then private industry in space is sure the way to go

VERSE 2
So, I built myself a space ship, and lifted off from my back yard
My neighbor's house burnt to the ground, and the lawn got slightly charred
But now, I'm zooming into space where the asteroids abound
Now if only I could find a way to get back on the ground

CHORUS 2
Well, your kids have got a lot of things you got them at the store
But I bet they've never had a piece of asteroid before
And with the right publicity, I'll make a lot of dough
So, private industry in space is sure the way to go

VERSE 3
So, I'm mining my asteriod, and i'll admit I'm not the best
My rotation isn't right, and my trajectory is a mess
Now, I’m falling towards the earth with a little too much speed,
but at least when everybody's dead, they won't be mad at me

CHORUS 3
Well, NASA had a lot of things, but now, it's all been crushed
and Russia had an edge, it seemed, but now, they don't do much
‘cause I destroyed the planet just to make a lot of dough,
but private industry in space was sure the way to go!

HISTORY:

"Dear David,
Glad your movie is coming along nicely. I'm still working hard on end of term stuff. Speaking of which, you're a funny guy! I'm trying to write a song for my astronomy presentation about private industry in outer space. It's a song about a guy who wants to own an asteriod so he can mine it for its riches but then, while bringing the asteroid to earth, he accidently crashes it and causes the end of the world....
There just needs to be something funny for the guy to say before colliding with earth. I'll think of something eventually, but any input you have on what might make the song funnier would be very helpful, especially that last line.
By the way, the music is not original; it's from some song (I have a tape), but I don't know what it's called or who it's by. But it's a funny song about a guy who wanted to build his own computer.
Let me know what you think. Hope you're having fun at college!" -Adam

That was an e-mail I had recieved from Adam on December 7, 1998. (I was in SUNY Fredonia; Adam, three hours away in Elmira.) Adam was going to do an oral presentation for his astronomy class at CCC, and he asked me for some help with a song he was going to incorporate into it.
At this point, he had come up with the first verse and 3/4 of the third. So, I sent e-mailed this list of suggestions for a line to fill out that latter verse:

"Adam,
Here are my suggestions for the last line (I changed the third line, too):
so i'm mining my asteriod and i'll admit it's not the best
my rotation isn't right and my trajectory is a mess
now I'm falling towards the planet with a little too much speed...
A) ...but now that everybody's dead, at least they won't blame me
B) ...I guess that kinda happens when you smoke a lot of weed
C) ...not only is the earth destroyed but now I've gotta pee!
D) ...the world's destroyed, and worst of all, there's nothing on TV!
E) ...I guess I won't have to tell that girl I gave her an STD
F) ...but at least when everybody's dead, they won't be mad at me
G) ...OH...SH_T!!!!! ;-)
Hope that was helpful somehow. See ya soon." -DASJr

Later that day, he sent me another e-mail. At this point, he had verses 1 and 3 complete, with verse 2 half complete. This is what the rest of the letter read:

"I believe I will take Choice F, because it sings better than choice A. Thank you. I just can't come up with stuff like that.
Now, how about a chorus? I need to say something about Russia and NASA being broke and slow-moving in the whole space movement thing, and that's why private industry is the best answer. The chorus has the same set up as the verses--it's just sung slightly different, and the last line must be "private industry in space is sure the way to go".
I hope this isn't putting too much pressure on you--I'm only asking for your help because I've been struggling with the damn song for a week now, and haven't made it work yet. Other people's presentations are so boring that it makes you want to physically harm the presenter. I do not wish to have that effect.
All i'm asking is that if any ideas pop into your head, please let me know. I'll be here working on it until tomorrow night." -Adam

By the end of that same day, I managed to send Adam all the lyrics that he was still looking for (the rest of Verse 2, and three choruses, as well as a title). And the next day, after some minor polishing (removal of a few extra syllables here and there), Adam finally had his song.
Later that month, he performed "Private Industry" during his astronomy oral report. He got an A.