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The cross-over you’ve been waiting for:
Star Trek: The Next Generation Meets South Park
By Alan Ralph

Picard:		Captain Log Star Date 21798.9, We have received a distress call from 
                planet that we know to contain settlers from Colorado, Earth.  It seems 
                that they are under attack from a badly drawn, badly animated creature 
                which is pretty big...

(Cut to bridge. The usual people are there)

Picard:		Good Morning crew, oooh bloody hell Data get the engine on it’s
 		freezing in here!

Data:		Aye Sir.

Picard: 	How long to arrival at New Colorado Mr. Data?

Data:		At warp 5.5 we will reach orbit in 4 hours 13 minutes   
 		Captain.

Picard:		We have a top warp speed of 9.9 why do we never go that fast?

Riker:		We can only go that fast in an emergency sir as it creates unstable pockets
                in the area where you warp. This is a warp 5.5 zone and the traffic police 
                around here are real bastards.

Picard:		We are trying to save a planet!  How much of an emergency does it
 		have to be?

Worf:		Sir, I must remind you of the last time you said that.

Data: 		Mr. Worf is correct Sir, I already have 9 points on my Starship license,
		another infraction and I would be banned from flying for 2 years!  I 
		believe it would be prudent to travel within the designated speed limit 

Picard:		Oh alright then. Make it so!  God I love saying that. 
                (Turns to Riker with a smile that soon disappears)What do we know of 
                these people Number One?

Riker:		Not much Sir, they were originally from Earth, colonised New 
                Colorado about 200 years ago and have kept pretty much to themselves.

Picard:		Well this is very intriguing Number One, If any one wants me I’ll be in
                my Ready Room, keep me informed.  You have the bridge Number One. 

(Picard Exits)

(Cut to Picard in his ready room staring hard at his computer)
(Cut to back of Picard so we can see the screen. Picard had logged on to the internet and is 
looking at a porn site)

VO Riker:	Riker to Picard...

Picard:		eh?...Picard here, er...what is it?

VO Riker:	Approaching orbit sir and I think you’d better come and see this.

Picard:		Can’t this wait?

Riker:		No Captain I REALLY think you should see this!

Picard:		Oh OK.  On my way Number One, Picard out.
                (Under his breath)Captain log Supplemental: Remember to sack Riker and get 
                a First Officer who will let me have fun!!!

(Picard walks on to the bridge)

Picard: 	What is it you wanted me to s...oh my god! 

(On the view screen there is a huge mass obliterating a large part of one of the land masses.)


Picard:		What is it Mr. Worf?

Worf: 		Unknown Captain, It is unlike anything we have encountered, but it
 	        appears to be...carbon based sir!

Picard:		You mean to say that...that thing is ALIVE?

Worf:		Yes sir and we picked this up, audio only.

(From the speakers we here)


Thing:		BEEFCAKE, BEEFCAKE, MOMA, BEEEFCAKE!!!!!!!!

(Picard looks at Riker who looks distinctly uncomfortable)

(Cut to credits)


Picard:		Space.  The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship
	        Enterprise, It’s continuing mission to seek out new life and new 
                civilisations...To boldly go where no man...oh bollocks I always screw 
                that line up, Damn Political Correctness...To boldly go where no ONE has 
                gone before.

(Back on the Bridge)

Picard:		What is it, it’s hideous?

Troi:		I sense hunger from it Captain and a lot of malice.

Picard:		No shit Sherlock, I sometimes wonder why I employ you!

Troi:		It’s because I have big breasts, look good in a skin tight body suit and  
 		I save the Federation a huge phone bill by giving you and Will an
 		alternative to Internet porn sites!

Picard:		Ahem...er yes thank you for that counsellor, (whispered) are we still
 	        on for 20:00 hours?

Troi:		Yes my little Baldy Boo.

Picard:		I thought we agreed you’d never call me that outside of your quarters?

Troi:		(With a large smile)’Til tonight Jean-Luc...

(Troi exits via Turbolift 2)

Data:		Excuse me Sir, am I to take it that you would prefer us to call you Captain
 		rather than Baldy Boo?

Picard: 	Oh get on with your work you metal git!  I’ll be in my ready room.

(Picard Exits)


Worf:		Incoming message from New Colorado.

Riker:		On screen!  I am First Officer Commander William T. Riker of the
 		Starship Enterprise, How may we be of assistance? 

Kenny:		Mmm, garble mm garble.

Riker:		What? I didn’t catch that.

Kenny:		MMM, GARBLE MM GARBLE!

Riker:		Oh I see, you are under attack.

Wesley:	        How did you understand that sir?

Riker:		When I was going out with Troi she tended to talk with her mouth full 
		if you know what I mean.(BIG smile)


Wesley:	        No sir I don’t think I do.

Data:		What Commander Riker is insinuating  is that Counsellor Troi
 		performed Oral S...

Riker:		Not on the bridge Data.

Data:		I am sure it was in the privacy of your own room but...

Riker:		Data.

Data:		Yes Sir?

Riker:		SHUT IT!
		(To Kenny) We will send down an away team immediately. Riker out.

(In Engineering)


LaForge:	Look Barclay, how ever you configure it you can’t do a sex change
 		using the transporter!

VO Riker:	Riker to LaForge.

LaForge: 	Here Sir.

VO Riker:	Assemble the usual away team but take three Ensigns that we can
 		afford to lose, this one looks dangerous.

LaForge:	Wesley?

VO Riker:	Is Beverly frigid? OF COURSE Wesley, We’d better made certain this
                time, Captain Picard is getting annoyed that he keeps coming back!  
                He’s got to die soon!!!  Riker out.

LaForge:	Reg, I’m having to go on an away team. Under NO circumstances
 		should you go anywhere near the transporter arrays, got that?

Barclay:	Y-y-yes sir.

(In the transporter room Riker, LaForge, Wesley, Beverly, Worf and two other ensigns stand 
on the transporter pads)


Riker:		When ever you’re ready Chief.

Chief:		Ready for what sir?

Riker:		To beam us down?!

Chief:		I don’t know how sir!

Riker:		Well why are you the Transporter Chief?

Chief:		I don’t know, I had Transport Café CHEF on my CV, it must have got 
		corrupted in transit sir.

Riker:		Look, press the two button on the left and then push up the three
 		energizer bars on the right.

Chief:		Ok sir.

(The away team energizes)


		Hey, this is a piece of pi...

(On the planet surface)


Riker:		Geordi, come here.

LaForge:	Yes Sir?

Riker:		I have special instructions from the Captain to kill Wesley as soon as
 		possible.  The first fracas we get into I want you to fire your phaser, on
 		full, at Wesley.

LaForge:	With pleasure sir!  	

Riker:		Ok everyone split up. Wesley you are with me and Geordi, Beverly you
 		and Worf take these Ensigns with you! 

Wesley:	        But I want to go with my mom!

Riker:		Tough shit, you’re with us wonder boy!

(Riker, Geordi and Wesley head for the giant thing)


Wesley:	        Why can’t I go with my mom?

Riker:		Shut up. The Captain made the decision and we have to abide by it.

LaForge:	Look, do you think we want you with us? We would rather have that
 		attractive blonde ensign that went with Worf, she promised me and 
                Will a threesome on our next away mission, but the Captain said that 
                you had to come with us!

Wesley:	        Oh? What’s a threesome?

Riker:		We’ll tell you when your older!

(At the giant thing there are a group of natives looking up at it.  There is a Chef, a teacher, 
and a load of loud kids. Above it all they can hear...)


Thing:		BEEFCAKE, MOMA, BEEFCAKE!!!!

Riker:		My god what is it?

Stan:		Oh that’s Eric, he's a lard ass!

Riker: 		You mean that is just a fat person?

Kyle:		Yeah, even worse than you, fatso!

Riker:		Do you know who you’re talking to?

Kyle:		No, but I bet your mom had a big, fat ass!

(LaForge giggles)


Riker:		I am Commander William T. Riker of the Starship Enterprise. We are 
                answering your distress call, shorty!

Kyle: 		Yeah but at least I’m not fat, fatty.  Hey take a look at this Lard ass
 		here.  Wow, he’s almost as big as your mom Kenny.

Kenny:		Fgarble mmm!

(Riker draws his phaser)


Riker:		Hey I don’t have to take this, we came here to help.

Stan:		Looks like your the one who needs help Fat Ass! Any one here from Weight Watchers?

Riker: 		LaForge, NOW!

(Riker fires at Stan but misses and LaForge fires at Wesley who also misses but hits a hooded 
figure behind him.  Kenny is completely disintegrated)

 
Kyle:		Oh my god, they killed Kenny!  

Stan:		You bastard!!!!

LaForge:	OOPS!.

Chef:		Hey bro, what d’you want to do that for?

LaForge:	It was a mistake Ok, I meant to hit Wesley!

Wesley:		What?

Riker:		Look Wesley, No one likes you! You are a snotty nosed little kid who
                thinks he knows everything, saving the ship here, the Captains life
                there, no body likes a smart ass kid especially when they rub it in all
 		the time, so we were told to get rid of you!

Wesley:		(Bursts into tears)My mommy likes me!
	
	
Riker:		Wesley, she told Captain Picard to, and I quote "Get rid of the little
 		shit at the earliest opportunity!"

Chef:		Look if that’s the way your mamma feels, come and live with us on
                this planet.

Wesley:	        No, NO, It’s not true, I’ll never join you, I’d rather die!

Riker:		Ok. (Shrugs and fires at Wesely who disintegrates)
		

LaForge:	Well thank God for that!

(Just then Beverly, Worf,  and the ensigns come running)

Beverly:	We heard phaser fire!(She smiles) Where’s Wesley?

(LaForge and Riker smile proudly to themselves)

		Oh thank God for that.!

Worf:		Dead? Really? Thank God for that! I just wish I had the opportunity.

Chef:		Hey, gorgeous, sexy mama, how about you and me and a little bit of sweet,
		sweet lovin'? What you say girl?

Beverly:	Er...NO!

Chef:		Hey, you ain't had no one 'til you've had me!

(Beverly looks uncomfortable)

Chef:		You mean you ain't had no one? Aw poor baby.(Sings)Let me take you in my arms and
		let my tongue caress your breasts...

Worf:		My god, what is this feeble display of emotion.(He promptly snaps Chef's neck) 

Riker:		Well that’s one problem solved, what about this one? (Points to Eric)

Worf:		Ah, Let’s leave the fat bastard.

Eric:		Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof, beefcake, 
		BEEFCAKE!!! Hey stop prodding me you ugly bastard!

Worf:		(Draws his phaser) I’m what?

Eric:		Are you deaf, move y’ugly bastard!

(Worf raises his weapon)

Riker:		Worf, don’t do it! Where is the honour of killing a defenceless kid?

Worf:		Who gives a shit, it’ll be fun. (Fires his weapon which has no effect)

Eric:		BEEFCAKE!!! Ha, Ha, Ha!!!!

Ensign 1: 	What do we do now?  Look out it’s rolling over...aaaarrrggghhhhh!

(Eric rolls over killing all three ensigns)

Riker:		(Smiles) Three in one go, that must be a new record, I’ll be famous! 

Beverly:	What do we do now?

Riker:		(Taps his badge)Riker to Enterprise..

VO Picard:	Picard here.

Riker:		We’ve managed to kill Wesley and all three of the ensigns. What
 		should we do now?

VO Picard:	Splendid, splendid...erm...do what you can and get the hell out of
 		there I suppose.

Riker:		Ok Captain. Riker out.  Beverly is there anything you can do for this
 		fat bastard?

Eric:		Hey, who you calling fat, porky?

Riker:		You you little shit!

Eric:		Yeah?

Riker:		Yeah!

Eric:		Come on then fatso give it your best shot!

Riker:		Riker to Enterprise, Four to beam up.

Worf:		Your just going to leave him after that?

(Riker winks at Worf)

		Oh...right.

(The four remaining members beam up and stroll onto the bridge to much applause and cheering)

Riker:		Thank you...Thank you...Thank you...Thank you very much...(He
                waves his hand) Thank you...Thank you...God I feel like Jerry Springer...Ok arm 
                phasers and Photon Torpedoes.

Picard:		What are you doing number one?

Riker:		I’m going to kill that fat lump of lard on the planet!

Picard:		(Smiles)This has been one hell of a day!!!

Riker:		Mr. Worf, lock phasers and torpedoes and fire when ready!

Worf:		Aye sir, Firing! Shit missed. 

Picard: 	Bollocks!

Worf:		Firing again. Direct hit.

Data:		Minor damage to the lining of his jacket.

Worf:		WHAT????  Firing again.

Data:		Direct hit. Jackets are down.  He is unprotected.

Worf:		Good! Going for the kill!

Data:		Incoming message.

Picard:		On screen.

Stan:		Can you assholes do nothing right. Kill the mother **BEEP**r!!!

Picard:		Look, we are a galaxy class space ship with the capabilities to destroy
 		you and everthing you know and love!

Stan:		So what are you saying?

Picard: 	DON’T FUCK WITH US, OK!!!!!  FIRE!

(Eric blows up scattering his ample body over two thirds of the planets surface. 
Again there is much applause and cheering)

		Ensign, Plot a course for Deep Space 9 we have to drop Worf and
 		O’Brien off there on our way to Starbase 187, they have been
 		transferred.

Worf & O'Brien: WHAT???		

Ensign:		Aye Captain.

Worf:		Is it something we said sir? Something O'Brien said maybe?

O'Brien:	What y' talking about y' ugly bastard? 

Picard:		No it's just that I can't stand either of your faces anymore and I've always
		wanted to be one of those Captain's who don't give a shit!  Now those cameras 
		have fucked off I can be that. Riker is going too and I am promoting Troi to 
		second in command.

Riker:		But...

Picard:		Piss off fat ass.(Picard morphs into Stan)

Stan:		Ok Motherf***BEEP***r Engage, damn it!

(Cut to Troi’s quarters she is lying on her bed with very little on)

Troi:		Come here You Sexy Thang!

Stan:		God I love this job! Ok bitch here's what I want you to do.....

(Closing Credits)

THE END!