John.  I've always looked up to him, back when I was small and he still had a full head of hair that wasn't graying.  The way he laughed and joked and wasn't afraid to speak his mind common trait in Vomacka men -- a trait I too inherited.  I've always held him in fascination, in awe.  He worked undercover in Oakland...narcotics.  I always used to conjure up grand images of him making drug busts, of nailing the crooks.  I remember how, just this christmas when I was there for the holidays--his stories of Italy in the army back in the day.  I remember his first wife and always wondered why it didn't work out--she always seemed so nice to me in my memories  I think of Phylis, his current wife, how her heart must be destroyed by this, of his children in law and how good he always has been to them, of his adopted daughter and how he helped her out of a bad path.  I remember all the times I was proud of him, proud to be his nephew.  I remember how this one time this past christams he was the first to the gathering house, instead of his usual last.  I remember his leathery like skin and how, despite his age, how fit he always was.   And now he is dying And I don't know what else to say or what to do or what to think.

My mother's birthday is soon and it is to be the last intact family gathering.  It's been a decade since his other, my fathers mother, my grandmother passed away.  A decade of realtively prosperous good times. He retied from the force not too long ago at all and now this.  The gathering is on the 27th and even though my father already said he knows I probably won't be able to get there, i'm going to try my damnedest.  I could wait and try to be there for the funeral, but what's the use?  Isn't it better to say goodbye in person, to see him at least one last time drawing breath and speeking his mind about politicians and his new home in the mountains and his horse and smiling at his wife and the firm handshake and knowing eyes?  What's the use of a funeral to say goodbye when it can be done there in the flesh?  I have my tax refund coming soon and I can make the trip on that if nothing else--sure I had planned on it for other things...but material things are worthless in the face of family.  It's his son's face, Dean, that would mean so much more dearly...a face he hasn't seen in more than a year and even then only once or twice in the five or more years past that...but i know it would mean a lot to him if everyone could be there, just like was when I was younger, when the entire family was together, where at least twice a year for thanksgiving and chirstmas, we would rotate the hosting household between the four families, John, Bill, Ted, Marlene.  It's his son's face, John Jr, that would mean so much as well, sobered up and making a life for himself.

But i think it's my place to be there to see him, to say farewell, to tell him I will forever miss him, corny as it will no doubt sound no matter how I say it.  To hell with the concert I already have a ticvket to that weekend.  What is a concert compared to what this will be for John?  Even I can see past that patheric fallacy.
 
 
 
 
 

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