There is something in being a paratrooper.  In the year and a half since I first leaped from a C141 in flight, my life has unfolded greatly.  I have learned what it means to be alive, what joy there is in the simple things.   Jumping from a hight of 800 to 1200 feet with or without combat ruck and weapon...it has changed me.  This act has sparked the essence of life so long dormant within me.  I may not being any less the loner I was before I joined this army, but I cherish myself more.  If I am to gain nothing less from this four year sojourn, no direction, no financial stability, no increased self confidence or hell, even a girlfriend...I think my decision was  sound one. 

Why is it that this has changed in me?  Is it that I have simply matured into an adult--passing adolescence finally?  Is it that I have seen so much more of this world to make me hungry for more?  Is it that the new cultures and lifestyles and opinions of the people around me have jump started my synapsi?  Is it the degree of danger from the act of itself?

Some might say it is the thrill, the adrenal glands...but I do not think that is the case...Parachuting is just something I do.  I no longer have a sense of wonder in the act itself--the ride is too short for one thing.  I have never had time to comtemplate much more than; my chute opened, the other paratroopers to ster clear of, the lowering of equipment, and finally landing...that's about all.  The majesty of the act--the very thought of it...it is all hindsight.  Yes there have been a few times that I have stopped dead to just realize what I just did and be amazed with myself.  Perhaps it is these few times that I have grown by leaps and bounds.  Perhaps it is by times like now when I document these feelings that I take those steps.  I don't think I can say more than it has truly and drastically affected me. 

When I was  child, as most do, I would dream of flight.  When I decided to join the army--this dream of flight was another impetus.  It could be said then that these childhood dreams were a way of affecting my maturity--by fullfilling them I have grown.  In approximately one hundred and one months, when my enlistment in this army ends...I will carry with me the knowledge that, if nothing else ever again, I did something spectacular...something that not many people do, and something I can declare with pride -- "I was a paratrooper".

Now I suppose I might as well tie this discussion into the Black Beret.  As an airborne soldier, I wear a Red (actually it's maroon, but...) Beret.  This beret is a true symbol of pride to me.  I cherish the privilage I bear by wearing it.  It fosters pride in myself, my unit, and my country.  I work hard and do things most people simply refuse to do, putting myself at risk for this country, and as such am entitled to wear it.  Soldiers who pass through Ranger school and graduate wear the Black Beret in much the same way as I wear the Red Beret.  For the rangers, the Black Beret symbolizes their strength, their honor and integrity, their mission readiness and their willingness to give all for their country.  The Black Beret, as the Red Beret and the Green Beret awarded to the Special Forces as well--all bear a huge heritage, a history, and a distinguished list of honored and revered soldiers. 

But now it is passed a bill that will will across the boards make the Black Beret the standard issue headgear worn by the United States Army.  No longer will rangers be the only soldiers entitled to that mark of honor and courage.  Overweight, pregnant, grossly unfit for duty and even incompetant soldiers will ALL wear this one time symbol of excellence.  The goal is to foster espirit de corps in the army...but the beret is meaningless without the heritage, the history, and the dedication that goes into earning it.  Issueing this new headgear to all soldiers in this army makes a mockery of the rangers, of the airborne, and the special forces.  Instead of fostering espirit de corps, it to large degree strips all soldiers awarded ANY beret of much of that distinction and honor.  Essentially this act removes a symbol of strength and pride from the elite soldiers, from those soldiers willing to go further, faster, and fight harder than any other soldiers.

I joined this army two years ago with a very different image in my head.  I did not have any real knowledge to go on so all I saw was propaganda and reports in the media.  I believed the military would be, as I have learned now, what is was ten or even twenty years ago--a highly disciplined, prideful, and rigoress band of cohesive soldiers.  Instead today it seems discipline is a crapshoot at best, many leaders are incompetant, and molare is just a shitbag.  Much of the workforce is composed of could-care-less-just-here-for-the-college-money people.  It saddens me when I think of this.  I may, and in fact probably am, blowing this out of proportion...even with this kinder gentler army, it is still a force to be reckoned with on today's battlefield...yet still.  I am stationed at Fort Bragg--the rightfully termed "Center of the Army Universe", and this is here?  I shudder to imagine what it is like at lesser installations...

My first two years I spent observing all this I have described.  Basic Training should have tipped me off, and I guess it did really--I just had a hard time believing--I did not WANT to believe.  There was always in the back of my mind the thought that i could make a career of the army...I said to myself that I would never be able to decide until I could see what it was I would be getting into...I have seen enough.

Today though, as I sit here reflecting on the past tow years, looking at the next two, and gazing beyond that,  I find it impossible to make a career here in the army.  I have trouble picturing myself doing anything else than what I do now...and what I do now is deal with all the crap I so despise.  I joined to serve and give back...and yet am faced every day with people who don't give a shit...it's the very nature of my job.  Yet by the very nature of my position, and the expertise that is required for it, I garnish a lot of respect--respect that makes me seem equal to soldiers at a much higher rank.  I couldn't not cross over into another MOS following this.  Even still, even if I could stand to do this same job for 18 more years, even if I could stand the hippocritical low lifes...I could not stand the path army doctrine seems to be taking. 

It has been for quite some time the case that getting out was winning over staying in.  I did not, however, have any one particular incident or date to bring the scale crashing down...This new beret thing though...that just pushed it all over the cliff. 

For the next one hundred and one weeks my plans are based on getting out of the army and being a civilian again.  Yes I will continue to bust my ass while I am in this military, but I am not most certainly not re-enlisting unless I just fuck things up that badly that I need to stay another year or two.  Belive you me, that would have to be some MAJOR fucking up on my behalf too.

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On this date last year:  Not such a wonderful feeling

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