So you guys and gals like me...you *really* like me.  *Smile*
hehehe

I have found myself maddenly transfixed by this woman in Maine...I have lost hours and hours of sleep chatting with her...it's become harder to fall asleep with thoughts of her swirling around my head.  My heart has quite literally *ached* outside of her "presence".  I have literally lost the ability to type in response to things she'd said.  It's just frightening how much we have in common, how alike we think.  She's like a comet...

This is one of those things that I simply cannot figure out, try as I may.  We've even discussed this fact...but I just can't fathom it--why does she feel this pull to me?  What am I to warrant this desire from her?  What does she see in me that makes her swoon, makes her afraid like I am afraid of losing this chance--whatever it may be or become.

It has been a little over a week now.  Time however, has not held any meaning as of late...it's simply hasn't existed.  I measure my days in respect to when I can get online and ICQ or AIM her.  I spend the time away planning a visitation that, despite all the angles, doesn't seem to want to work just yet.  I think we have both decided, however, that it will be better to wait on a visit...she has just dissolved a long, deep, and involved relationship; things are rushing too fast for both of us.  At this point it is easy to rationalize sex with her...i really think I am falling in love--to the very core of my being...everything in me points to it.  I recognize some of the signs I had back in college with Christa--signs I missed/subconsciously set aside; the constant desire to be with her, around her, talking with her, sharing philosophy and insights and jokes and just our *auras*.  There is the same pain of separation, the same negligance of things not related to her or leading to meeting her...There is the same difficulty falling asleep, the same late hours spent with her.

This time though...there is more--utter dismay at this level of yearning from *her*.  I could list for paragraphs everything I find just intoxicating about her, but what in me is there for her?  My sense of humor, taste in music, literature, compassion perhaps? These alone are not the things that lead where we may be headed towards.

There is the ever present and never fully dissolved fear of this all being some ruse or just some figment of my imagination.  It is almost a running joke between us that neither of us really exist...

I never felt the same aches when I was talking with Christa; never the same pings in my chest.  There is this maddenling ever present fear of messing something up, of saying the one small thing (or more aptly, ONE OF...where does her idealisitc image of me come from?)  that will be like the gasoline in this styrophome cup...of scaring her off by being over bearing or coming off as the tortured soul beyond salvation or control.

I am happy when she is online with me.  I feel meaningful...i am drunk with her words on my screen and I just can't figure it out.  I have given up trying...time to just roll with the waves and see where the current takes it.

Next

On this date last year

My Earthly Shell home