it boils down to this...i liked feeling needed.  I played this imaginary game that i had found my soul mate with her, that she was everything to me.  I believed in her that I was everything she needed.  

Throughout this entire week and a half...I have known something was not quite right.  I have known that it was simply too good to be reality.  This was just too perfect and it was just happening too fast.  I tried to confront the issue, with msyelf, and with her...but I didn't ever attempt to pound this last tie in.  All there, easy to see where things were headed...I just wanted this too much to be real.

I think I should have heeded my instincts when I first learned she had just broken up with her ex of two and a half years.  It was my instincts told me that...even if she was sincere (which I still do not know the facts of that matter)  it was more of a latching onto someone for stability than true emotion.

So of course, today, when she told me she couldn't have a relationship right now;  When she told me yesterday that now would be a bad time to come see her, when she had been excited before at the prospect of my visit; things started to sink in...

She wrote that she felt happy when I was messaging with her, and that, when I was not, she was sad.  She doubted my existance because, i thought, she wanted me so much she couldn't believe I was real.  Now I think it's just because we hit it off and shared so many things in common--not because she was falling madly in love with me, as I was her.

I tried so hard this time to just roll in with the tide.  I tried not to think about it too much, to analyze the nuts and bolts of these emotions or actions...and even with his Laize Fair approach to it...i got hurt.

Tonight I talked to her on the telephone.  She said there was not a relationship, that she didn't want a relationship, wasn't ready for one.  I told her that I couldn't help but feel that we were going somewhere, but this whirlwind had just suddenly stopped.  I told her I had hopes for "us". When I told her that it just felt good to feel needed, that's when she baulked.  She couldn't keep talking after that, and all but hung up.

It took me a while to muster the energy to even stand up after that.

It was too good to be real.  I knew it and said it from the beginning.  Why then am I having this trouble breathing, this just doomed and completely uncaring and useless feeling in me?  Why does it hurt so much?

It hurts because even though reality finally hit her, and through her, me...i still am hoping to salvage this...I am still holding onto threads because I just can't let her go just yet...not that easily.
 
 
 

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