Of course this whole discussion springs of my episode with Bodie.  I'm still in that stage of mourning...touched with twinges of anger at times too. From the week and a half or so it went on, this aftermath...*sigh*, it could last quite some time.

Out just now, driving to get some dinner...images flashed in my head.  That little french cafe I ate at in New York, mulling over a new poem with some red wine, the cigar I enjoyed with a couple Jack and Cokes in Philadelphia...the cigarettes I smoked just outside the Houstin Int'l Airport...These images serve me.  They remind me that I've had some truly wonderful times, been places, done things, and that my life will continue to create such times, such memories.

That my life will continue...that has been quite a focal point for me lately.  I had wrote not too long ago that I had finally reclaimed a desire to be alive, an excitement at what each day would bring.  Unfortunetly this desire, this excitement...i woke up on the 6th and it was gone--back to that same familiar state of not caring if I lived or died.  I climbed the highest ladders i could find...and when I finally reached a star, that ladder crumbled.  Hopes and dreams, years and years and YEARS of them...crumbled with that ladder.  I can't reclaim it, my fingers cannot grasp hold, try as I might, to pull myself back up.

I am not as bad off as I have been.  I can and will survive this.  I know that some of this is just mourning over a girl.  I understand that and I accept that...but it does indeed go beyond such simple things.  Bodie was the highest I ever climbed and the fastest...

The thing that hurts the most I think...I still want her.  I still want to hold her, still want to love her and have her love me.  I still want to create a life around her, even after this one has been broken.  Irrational as I am...irrational as it is to expect anything to come of a week long internet reaching, irrational as it is to believe she was my soulmate from a few chat logs...I have never been accused of being rational I fear--not in my nature you understand.

I'm hurting.  I'm really hurting.  Seeing her character's name on everquest...seeing her respond to someone's question with she'd had sex just thursday...hurts.

And in retrospct, from here, I can see how she very well might have been another of my famous bad calls...but reference the comment on rationality.

So...do I wish her ill?  Do I cast my curse upon her?  Am I angry with how she seems to have led me on?  At times yes, a little.  I wouldn't fool a soul if I lied about that.  Do I wish her dead?  Do I wish her to dream about my constantly and know she made a mistake?  Do I wish her forever be as unlucky with love as I am?  No, no, and no.  About all I want is for her to wonder...wonder if we weren't just right for each other.  That's about it really.  Do I want her to feel bad about it?  Yeah, I do. 

Do I care if she reads all this I've written about her in the past few entries?  Do I care if it makes her hate me, makes her angry, makes her ignore me for the rest of our lives, makes her despoil my name?  Yeah, I do...in fact I probably care more than I should.

But the fact that I know she won't read it, and the fact that I just *need* to write it because damnit this is how I get my therapy...so it's here.

Next

Nothing on this date last year

My Earthly Shell home