See, my main problem is that, when I smoke...I SMOKE! It is quite common for me to go through five or six cigarettes sitting here at this computer drinking coffee and checking email in the morning after PT and before work. I've never in my life been one to shy off of something...if I'm going to do something, well, baby you better believe I'm going all-the-fucking-way. 

"This is it Steve. Tonight I'm going to be the super me. No compromise, no surrender. Tonight I'm going to fill this watch with twenty numbers!"
...

Of course...even just typing this is giving me a HUGE nic fit. Good thing I got plenty of booze. D and I went out again this weekend to see s'more sites and stopped at the Marines liquor store at Camp Foster on the way home...

I was in heaven. They had these gift sets of Jack for $11...fifth of jack and two low ball classes in this nifty little tin. I'm used to paying about twice that just for the Jack! So um yeah...I plan on going pack rather soon and buying up a lot of, um..."gifts".

Bonus points for the Napa Valley Wine (that I tested at the winery itself) that they had in stock, also for a rather small amount.

Having available funds is da debil batman. I picked up a 60GB 720RPM Maxtor for $130 when we stopped in at Foster's Post Exchange...I had a stray though a few days ago about building a second computer...that way I could have a dedicated system for CD mastering. Seeing this deal only cemented things. Now it's just a matter of time.

Amazing how, soon as I finish off one expensive project (i.e. SCUBA shite), I find myself straddled with another. This is why I would make a shitty boyfriend/lover/husband. Knowing me I'd go pyscho and drown the poor girl in all manner of roses, chocolates,expensive sunset dinners with lobster and authentic Champaigne, flowery poetry on gold gilded stationary, lavish trips to the Carribean or what have you (ideally she'd be into PJ/Tori/music in general so it'd be a cross country tour with an artist/artists...)

I'd more than likely simply scare the girl off and alienate myself...leaving with nothing but heartbreak and an empty wallet. 

I think about this every once in a while...just how suited am I to having a serious relationship? As it stands I am rather...well I wouldn't say naive, but something like it. Too hopeful perhaps? Too unsure of myself, unexperienced. I also seem to have a problem reading reality in a women's eyes while being so twittered. When things start slow, non commital, easy and just friendly, I have a much better time feeling things out. 

I don't consider myself at all handsome, except in those dillusional moments we all have about ourselves. I know for a FACT that I look much older than I really am...that has GOT to be a turn off to women.

I think about the whole sex thing a LOT. How many mid to late twenties women are still virgins and think the same way I have on the subject? How many women can even handle that I am still waiting hopefully? Does that kill a relationship? Just mentioning the fact seems, to me, making any relationship re-evaluate itself on the spot. How many women my age are honestly willing to hold off on sex just in case the man they are seeign turns out to be husband material...i think it may, honestly, be too much to ask that I find someone my age still thinking that "He" is out there, and that I could possibly be "Him". 

Yeah so...it's a major feeling of inadequacy and uncomfort to me. A very large part of me wants to just find some nice girl, do the deed without telling her, and move on with my life once the short term thing is over...a little wiser, more secure, and less naive...even less frightened. Yeah I admit, the thought of having sex now...it frightens me. I have lost those buffer years of it being understood that I'd not know or understand sex and how to please my partner. How many women are willing to deal with such naivete. I imagine some would be orgasmic about the opportunity to "teach" me...but i don't know...is that how I want to be seen?

I don't tell many people that I'm a virgin. At this point in life, it's easier to just play like I have had sex, love it, and like to talk about it/scope on women. In fact even those friends of mine that DO know...I act as if I'm scouting for some ass, even when reality is far from the truth.

God I feel so so STUNTED. I feel like a backwards, naive, barbarian. I don't know *ANYONE* like me. In the last many many many years...I haven't met a single person that told me that she/he was a virgin, was waiting for marriage, or whatever. Why do I feel like such an alien in this? Why do I need to feel like such a hermit, an idiot even.

To some extent, part of this whole dilemna comes from the fact that I have always been so isolationist. I never really tried to make many friends, and of course girlfriends being just one step past that I tried even fewer time there. 

And then, of course, force fed all these stories about Hep B, HIV, Herpes, Siphyliss, etc...can I honestly be blamed by wanting to wait?

The other day my office mates circulated a rumor that I was a barraks rat and that I was depressed. CPT Ball, our Adjutant, told me that I should just spend some money and go to Thailand...

About 90% of people that go to thailand for thier reknown "sexual escapes" coem back with HIV.

Um. no thanks.

sigh. If I ever had to fill out some form about what I'd most like to change about myself, and had the balls to be honest...my virginity would be it.

And then...on the other side of the coin...I can draw at least a little pride from it. I can place myself a little bit outside the filthy people who so dominate the human race and our planet. I can feel a little superior to other people because of my "restraint". And I can also feel like I am just retarded in my development.

I am twenty six years old, going on forty five. How many years do I actually have before the whole question of father hood is not even an option? I don't want to be some 50 year old man beyond the prime of life and sucking wind, trying to teach his son how to play catch or beat up his daughter's raggamuffin date. Realistically I have what, ten years tops? That's assuming I find someone my age. How many women my age are really going to be attracted to me. God but being a virgin and without any sort of girlfriend for many years...I feel like a troll. Sometimes I really really wonder about just how attrative I am to the average women....honestly, because I just don't know...

Many years ago I just resolved myself to being alone. Perhaps I should just accept that resolution.

Watching Sex in the City...well that certainly doesn't help much. All that show ever shows is beautifull people with successful (i.e highly lucrative) careers, with more of the same, in high scale resteraunts, pubs/clubs/apartments. You never see plain life...don't get me wrong, I LOVE that show...but it all just makes me feel so...out of place when I watch it. 

current mood:  scared
current music: Chris Conrel 11.12.99 

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