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Coping with Cannibalism

Out here in the Amazon jungle it can get a bit rough

So. You like to eat human flesh. You salivate when someone burns their hand on a hot stove. You drool when they show medical operations on TV. You'd like nothing better than to invite Mr. and Mrs. Jones next door around for dinner. You're a cannibal.

Well. Have I got bad news for you. The art of cannibalism is currently undergoing one of its darkest times ever. It is considered immoral - downright rude in fact - as a culinary choice. Even that utopia of cannibalism, New Guinea, has opted for more "civilised" dining habits.

How, I hear you ask, do I cope in this modern world?

  • The Calcutta body market is thriving. A kidney here, an arm there. Airmail the product over, and it should be in a nice tender state once it gets here.


  • Modern drugs are great! You can drug someone senseless, and cut bits off them. (It is better to start from the inside, I've found, as you can remove an appendix, liver, even intestine, and they won't guess what has really happened.)


  • Old people. They may be a bit chewy, but you can usually pick one up without too much trouble.
  • Hang around a dangerous intersection. When an accident occurs, nip in and steal a loose limb.


  • Virtual Reality Cannibalism. You'd be amazed at how real it can be. Just mind you don't take off the headset and find a few fingers missing.


  • Finally for the cheapskate, you can spice up any beef dish with "Artificial Human Flavouring". Some consider it not 'natural'. Well it's not. Of course it's not, it's called "Artificial Human Flavouring".


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