So Smooth

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking
female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my friend."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.
9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.
8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their fingers twitch all the time.
4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.
3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new
high score and can not be bothered.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?", he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches!  He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."

First grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.  Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."  Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."  Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?"
A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"
The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."
The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"
The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase,
pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.  The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

PLAYING SLOT MACHINES
---------------------
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines.  It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee.  "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW
NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

A man known for his shady business tactics was giving advice to his son, who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your
business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Dad," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were
back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen
in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and
dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the
kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their standards:
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only
accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.
It said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.  Hope this pleases you."

My Choices
----------
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A LITTLE GIFT
-------------
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.  "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

I hope I made you laugh!  Have a great day!