| December 17, 2002 |
twenty twenty twenty four hours to go! i wanna be sedated...
o.k., so this is it, every hour counts. i should be in the other room answering the telephone, but i'm in here updating my website. it's not like people really expect anything of me for the next three days, right? the gifts are beginning to trickle in.
December 16, 2002
1:55 pm time moves at near glacial speed. My attitude is so atrocious that my fellow workers are infected with the "i don't give a damn" bug. that's just not right. i should send myself home.
9:45 am
32 hours to go! can i make it? once my end goal is in sight, i usually like to make a mad dash for the finish line. unfortunately, the nature of time just simply won't let you do that. I really have nothing to say; i am simply here at work trying very hard to make my last 32 hours here productive. it might be too late for that, though.
December 14, 2002, t-4
wow. i've almost made it. i'm almost done with it all.
December 8, 2002, 2002 t-9
i do believe in signs, but never felt that i had any in my life. recently, however, i feel like i have seen signs, all reinforcing my decision to take the plunge. so many of the people i have met in the last few weeks have all done essentially what i want to do, to let go of the security of a nine to fiver and stake out an existence on their own. so far, they have been successful. where there is a will there's a way. i always knew that the conventional life, marriage, kids, suburbia, was not for me. i don't know what is for me, but i have realized that if i don't make myself open to the possibility, i may never find out.
December 6, 2002, 2002 t-9 ('cause i don't have to go in today!)oh yeah, baby, i got attitude.
December 5, 2002, 2002 t-11
i had one objective this week, and that was to take a day off work. i considered callng in sick, but realized that really wasn't necessary. so i just said, "hey, guess what? i'm going on a date tomorrow, so i'm taking the day off." how's that for bold?
mission accomplished.
(rereading that entry from november 18, i'm thinking, hey! where'd that extra hand go?)
December 1, 2002, 2002 t-14
the end is near! just 14 more days, just fourteen more days! my last day is actually december 19. i may not manage to work just 4 days a week, but i'm not sure that really matters any more.
November 18, 2002, 2002 t-25
heh heh heh... So it occurs to me that I haven't actually given them formal notice yet. I told them I was leaving "sometime in the end of the year." That date, my friends, is December 20. Exactly 25 days from now. I can count these days on the digits of my fingers and toes. Oh glorious day, caloo lalay!
November 6, 2002, 2002 t-35
It's 1:30 pm. Three more fucking hours to go.
October 29, 2002, 2002 t-40
What is it about the time change that just makes the day so fucking long?
or maybe it's just because I hate my job
October 24, 2002, 2002 t-43
As part of my anti-work campaign, I have taken it upon myself to demostrate how to be at work for 8 hours and be counter productive. This is not as easy as it might at first sound. Work will appear before you, your in box will hover in your peripheral vision, demanding attention. You must remember that if you don't deal with it, it will go away. Supervisorees will accost you with questions. You must deflect them. They will become aggressive; you must disarm them. Finally, they will plead with you, but you must remain firm. Bosses will approach you wanting reports; you must delegate.
The two most important skills to learn are as follows:
First, you must learn how to disappear for hours at a time, in a way that no one will question your wearabouts. The best way to do this is to perform tasks that will take you away from the office for an extended period of time. I often hide myself in the store room, where I am free to squander my work as I see fit. Alternatively, there is sometimes a task that will take me away from the office. The office supply store is a good one. Or the bank, if your company requires banking, or even the post office, because you know, there is always a long line there.
The second most important skill is to look busy without actually doing work. One of the most efficient ways to do this is to engage a boss in conversation. Approach your boss. Ask something work related, preferably to ask their advice. This will relax them. Then you can move on to more casual topits of conversation. Be sure to gesticulate often and to talk animatedly. Close the door to the office if possible. This way, others will see you, and assume that you are in an important conversation. Be warned: this will not work with a fellow coworker! However, if you are the boss or supervisor, you can engage your supervisorees in conversation. Again, close the office door, gesticulate often. Spectators will then assume that you are engaged in an importatant meeting.
October 22, 2002, 2002 t-45
Every day I have to remind myself that I care... At the same time, tension is mounting, as I prepare to dispatch myself from the job that has sustained and occupied me for the last three years...
September 29, 2002 t-55
"Holy cow!" the more astute of you may exclaim. "Was there a time warp? If not, how then do you explain the fact that the counter went from 64 to 55 when only one work day has passed?!"
"Ah," I would say. "So glad that you asked me." You see, I have decided to change my last day of work (previously December 31) to some time the week before Christmas. I think that I deserve a non working holiday. Plus I've come to realize that my motivation is so low, I think I am being counterproductive.
September 26, 2002 t-64
Was this week not the hardest work week ever?! It was painfully hard. I'm not sure why. I think that we are programmed since, well, kindergarten, really, to regard the fall as a time of boredom and encroaching dread. Somehow, every thing becomes more laborious. Anyway, I think I devised a plan where I can actually manage to nap while I sit at my computer terminal. There is a middle office where I often work. Many times, people don't even realize I am there because I never turn the lights on, and it's easy to walk right by the door without looking in. Because my back is to the door, I realized that as long as I can prop myself up, I could be merily snoozing away and no one would be the wiser. God, I needed that today. Thank god it's my Friday!
17, 2002 t-72
My boss calls me "Gimpy", because of my back. I think that is pretty special.
September 15, 2002 t-74
Didn't I tell you I was going to have it my way? Today I enjoyed Thai brunch with my friends, playing hookie from work for two hours. Granted I had to go in early and stay late, but hey, at this rate, I'll soon cure myself of this whole perfectionist, workaholic thing.
September 12, 2002 t-76
Alright, I've made an executive decision, damn it. I'm tired of pussy footin' around. From now on it's my way, every day, or not at all.
September 11, 2002 t-76
I decided to buy a new fax machine. It's not as dramatic as it seems. We did need a new one, really. The old one crapped out. The issue was, I got the feeling that my boss (the Uber Boss, the founder of the company)was fond of that particular model, since he had bought the same model to replace the old fax machines that had died off in the past. But I really hated that model, the Brother 1270 intellifax. It has essentially a carbon paper roll that provides the material for the print. Which means that you end up with yards and yards of the stuff with only a little bit of print. How wasteful is that? The one I wanted to buy was a model with loose toner, somewhat more expensive, but eminently more effective. We ladies hmmed and hawed for a while, debating the issue, until finally I got fed up. "How horrible is it," I blurted, "that we are afraid to buy the equipment we need to do our jobs! I'm just going to go and buy one. What are they going to do, fire me?" It felt good, I have to admit. But this is the sort of crap we have to put up with all the time, always afraid of management's disapproval because they are so unwilling to delegate any kind of responsibility. Well, that's not entirely true. They have been known, on occasion, to say simply, "Sorry, there's nothing I can do. You deal with it." The obvious response, "Sure, I'd be happy to. But it's gonna cost you."
September 10, 2002 t-78
Two months and eighteen days. *sigh*. Anyways, so if you have been paying attention, you know that I hurt my back at work a while ago. As part of my therapy, I go the the chiropractor three times a week, get my muscles electro-stimmed, get massaged, and then get my back adjusted. It's pretty awesome. I highly recommend it. No, I'm really just kidding. Back pain is no joke. But it makes my last few weeks of work much more interesting. Plus, today the stooopid fax machine crapped out. My first reaction was, "Bummer... Oh well." Then I realized, "Oh yeah, I should probably do something about it. I mean, don't we have to be able to receive faxes and shit?" By now, you must think I am completely immoral. And you are probably right.
September 4, 2002 t-82
So I've worked here for three years now, and this is the first sick day I have ever taken. Judging by the astonished looks on my friends' faces, I guess that puts me safely in the realm of "workaholic". The thing is, for me id doesn't make too much sense to skip work, because I know that the next day, the work will be right there waiting for me. Only then I will have just one day to finish it, instead of two. And I can't help feeling guilty and sureptitious. O.K., so I didn't have to take my mom shopping. But by then it was really too late because I had already called in sick (on account of a back injury. Was it my fault that I started to feel better? Was I really going to stay at home all day? So really, it was the only logical thing to do. I just kept having these irrational fears that I would somehow bump into my boss's wife. But overall, it felt good. I've worked hard, damn it, I deserve a little reward. I envision relapses in the near future. Afterall, I won't be able to take sick days for very much longer...
September 2, 2002 t-84
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."
August 25, 2002 t-90
blah blah blah blah blah I hate my job and when I quit I am going to be so fucking happy!
August 21, 2002 t-92
I have learned some useful things at my job, two of which I will share with you:
1. Clearing the in box: If you let the work pile on long enough and continue to procrastinate, pretty soon all the stuff in becomes obsolete and you can dump the stuff straight into the trash can. A wonderful, liberating feeling, that.
2. Getting what you want: Fortunately, I have 7 bosses (sound familiar?) Luckily, I have adapted a time honoured technique to apply to this situation, so I can ultimately get what I want. It's a common technique all of you probably know instinctively, because you used it all the time as a child. It's called: "Mommy said it was O.K." Obviously, one has to use a little more finesse when applying this method, but the foundations are the same. Sound immorally manipulative? You bet it is.
August 20, 2002 t-93
Interviews, interviews, and more interviews. My jaw's tired, my head hurts, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record. Each interview, I try a different tactic, a different personality, try to put a different spin on the job. I am honest, but I recently began to think that maybe I'm glamorizing the job, because a lot of times, people's eyes will light up as they say, "Oh, I love a challenge."
It is interesting for me to be the interviewer, instead of my usual role as interviewee. I think I am fairly astute in gauging people's personalities. I also noticed that while my boss, as co-interviewer, tends to take answers at face value, I tend to asses how the person has answered, whether they were creative in their responses, overtly kiss ass, pragmatic, or entirely non rensposive. What good this is, I really don't know, as ultimately my boss does what he wants anyways. Though I think I shock him sometimes with the rather unflinching way I discard candidates that don't interest me at all and whom I feel should not waste his time either.
(FYI: People usually err by mistaking me for some nice little asian girl. Those who know me better know what a horrible error that is...)
Though really, I feel quite bad for these people. Most of them have been laid off recently, and are stuck applying for a job which I know is probably way outside of their training, interest, and previous wage scale. It makes me nervous, too, as I am about to join the ranks of the unemployed shortly (though admittedly I will be willfully so) and at some point, my resume will be just another of the thousands circulating around.
August 13, 2002 t-97
Gradually, my brain is letting go of the information that it has hoarded so tightly for the past 3 years. Specific account facts, customer names, the production detail that I worked with so intimately the beginning of this year is now beginning to flee, and I have to sit there and deal with not being sure about the information I have in my head. Sometimes I even have to consult one of the manuals that I have written up for the new guys.
But this is a good thing. For the past three years, I could remember more misc and stupid facts about work than I ever could about the classes I was taking. It annoyed and horrified me that I could recognize a customer by the type of bread they were getting, or identify an account by the colour, shape,and size of a check. This is the kind of thing that people amaze about, that the ones I train say in awe, "Wow, how do you do that? I will never be as good as you. You are truely the queen." Well fuck that. Who wants to remember all this bullshit? As far as I am concerned, this is all just mind clutter.
August 12, 2002 t-98 continued (sorry, miss-dated earlier)
Today I sat and had a good long catch up talk with my boss, who had been on vacation for the past two weeks or so. The first thing he asked me:"How are you feeling about leaving us now?"
"Oh, I feel good." Somehow, I don't think that was quite the answer he was looking for.
August 12, 2002 t-98
*sigh* I'm sitting here at home about an hour before I have to go, drinking my morning coffee, trying to shore up my strength and tolerance and patience so I can make it through the day... Four more days until my next weekend. It seems so far and unattainable.
August 11, 2002 t-99
This is the part I hate most about quitting a job. People find out, and then seek you out to ask you questions. I need a tape recorder so I can just play back my responses.
"Why are you leaving?"
"Well, I finished my degree, I want to do something in my field.."
"What do you want to do?
"I don't really know, take a year off, take a good look at my life, etc etc."
What can I say? The truth? That I want to get the fuck out of here because my job sucks?! I think not.
August 8, 2002 t-100
I gained some perspective on my future today. The past week has been spent being involved with various meetings, the gist of which boils down to "What the hell are we going to do when you leave?" I tried to wipe the big, silly grin off of my face. Because frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
But it made my think about my own future, and how fucking awesome it's going to be, when I wake up in the morning, and ask myself, where would you like to go? No one's ever asked me that before! The answer is, I can go where ever I fucking please. How often does one get the experience where one can just step out the door, and come back, aa, maybe this afternoon, maybe tomorrow, maybe two months from now.
August 7, 2002 t-101
A brief recap of my conversation with Rich:
R (balancing a checkbook): You know, I hate these one cent discrepancies. By the time I'm done with them, they've already cost more than one cent.
me: Why? How long does it take to deal with them?
R: 60 seconds or so.
me: How much are you worth a minute?
silence, while Rich is calculating.
R: About 25 cents.
me: Damn. It gives you a whole new perspective on work if you think about each minute as a load of laundry or something.
R: (laughs) Yeah, its true. You know, it would be better if people put a quarter into a box for every minute that I work. That way, if I don't get the coin, then I won't work for the next minute.
me (laughing): You can be a coin operated accountant! That's pretty cool!
August 6, 2002 t-102
"Do not pray for patience. You will get many an opportunity to practice it."
-anon
August 4, 2002 t-104
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TWENTYFOURHOURSTOGO-
August 2, 2002 t-105
Yesterday (my Friday, since my work week runs Sunday through Thursday) I
experienced a (minute) twinge of sadness as I thought about the things I would
miss about this company:
that he shares with another boss: "Hey Rick! Don't pick that up! They want to leave a message on the machine for Doug!"
Ah, the good times...
July 29, 2002: t-110 DAYS
I am quiet, reserved. Paul is injured, wondering, is it something I've done? Alas, I fear to speak. Because if I opened my mouth, only a stream of frustration would be emitted.
July 28, 2002: t-111 DAYS
You know you're in for a long week when your first day of work feels like it's both your Monday and your Friday...
July 25: t-112 days Ah, my poor, faithful supervisees, how you do toil... How do you come to terms with a boss who simply doesn't seem to give a damn? I don't know. Maybe you should ask them.
July 23, 2002: t-114 days That's right. I only have 114 days of work left. On December 31, I am walking out the door of my job and never going back, come hell or high water. Why did I give such long notice? It's a long story... Essentially, I feel incredibly devoted to my job, to the people there. I am the office manager at Acme Bread Company, responsible for taking, processing, and coordinating wholesale orders, for production, and also for collections. It's not a straightforward job. We always have problems putting ads in the paper because its not an easy job to describe. It takes at least a year for who ever is working the position to really be effective because the job requires an indepth knowledge of the workings of the bakery, both in production and distribution. All this for a rather sucky wage... Anyways, I've been slaving away there for the last three years, putting myself through school, and now that I am done, I am ready to move on. I am so ready to move on.
The Big Question, of course, is move on to what? Fortunately, I have managed to save a bit of cash. Here is my plan:
This obviously is the highlight of my year. I don't know if I'll have enough money for a transatlantic trip, because I would really like to check out Edinburough and, well, the rest of Europe too. Another alternative is to take a kayaking trip up in Alaska. Or I could drive around the U.S., something I have never done but want to do.
These last couple of months I have been seized by the insatiable desire to get on the free way and continue driving... Who knows where? You can't get lost if you don't care where you are. I have been practicing for my trip: each time I get on I80 I go just a little bit further... past one more exit, and then, unwilling, remembering reluctantly the job I must return to, the cats that will go unfed without me, the debts that must be paid, I force myself to turn off at the next exit, and return home. Can I describe to you the joy, the thrill of leaving all your resposibilities behind, of not knowing or caring really where you're going except that you are heading out for the next state. It's an addiction, I tell you. Will I ever be able to remain static again?
I have a vague list of destinations, and would appreciate any suggestions. I ahve basically compiled a list of all the places I have always wanted to go, since childhood. Thus, they are rather cheesy.
The list (in no particular order)