Best friends are just so totally ridiculous. What is the like, point of it? If you make it known that some chick is your best friend, how can you dump her off if everyone knows your best friends? How can I grow and become popular without looking like a decepti-creep? This is so, totally, like, unfair. So, I was working at the Gap as per usual, and this chick I work with brought this dilemma to my realization. She said she didn't have a best friend. I was jealous. Considering my insatiable lust for being detached, I totally thought of this. What's the point? Acquaintances are cool; one week you hang out, the next, it doesn't matter, because your not best friends. You're stuck with best friends until one of you dies, or else you look bad for leaving them on the side of the road to walk the distance to the nearest mall.
You know, I really don't feel this way. I had some point to this, but I forgot it. See, I wrote myself a note, that says:
Best friend conspiracy
1. in a GAP, satirical way--> "we can't dump them as easily"
2. me being me
And I have no idea what that means, even though that was about 24 hours ago. I'm sure I had some great plan, like it could become something wonderful. But I forgot. It was all because my familia went to Hometown Buffett. Which was good. Food is cool. But moving along...
In case you didn't notice, I like to write lots of nonsense stuff, which I find amusing. But that's me anyway. More background... I'm on the newspaper at my school, which would be The Pony Express at Thurston High. This past school year, I was a sophomore, my first year on staff. Being friends with the Opinions Editor, Tony, helped me get a column, I think. You see, this character Nick left to devote more time to acting, so there was a position for a column (every other month, space for whatever... its your column). So Tony just asked me if I could finish one by the next day, and I did, so I got the column for the rest of the year... 2 issues, that is. That was really cool, because juniors and seniors usually get columns. This next school year, I moved up from being a staff writer to Features editor, plus I applied for a column. Not only am I the only junior with a column, but the only girl. This should be cool. So, I'm going to start posting those columns on this page. First, I'll post last year's. I know how much people love my rambling. Well, I don't know about that... I like it though, so anyway... Plus, this is good typing practice for when I become a professional plagiarizer. Without further adieu, here are my columns:
Column #1, February 22, 2000
Layin' the Schmazz Down
Just a warning for all those who choose not to read the warning
I’ve told this story many times, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it really did burn. True, it wasn’t exactly a third-degree burn. I’ll even go as far to admit that it wasn’t even a first-degree burn.
My dad, my sister, my neighbor, and I were in 7-11 one day, just doing whatever people do at convenience stores. No, we weren’t loitering, we were getting ourselves some nachos.
While attempting to create the perfect nacho masterpiece, something caused me to wave my arm under the (CAUTION: HOT) cheese dispenser, thoroughly scalding two square inches of my arm.
In other words, I squirted burning nacho cheese on my arm, sending it right though my mesh shirt.
And boy, did it burn. I had enough common sense to put the nachos on the counter, but not enough common sense to do something about the scalding cheese sinking through my epidermis. So I waved my arm around, yelled and caused a general disturbance.
It’s a good thing my dad was there, because the clerk didn’t do much. She just gave me this blank stare, as if this happened every day. The episode was ended soon enough when my dad calmly wiped the cheese of my arm with a napkin.
The whole point of this story is the fact that I didn’t choose to sue 7-11 for my blunder. What was the 7-11 clerk thinking? A paying customer nearly caught on fire, and she just stood there. I seriously considered it (well, not really), but I didn’t take it to court.
However, I will admit it was my fault.
A few years ago, some unfortunate character spilled coffee all over his lap while at a McDonald’s drive through window. As we all know, this person walked away with millions of dollars in damages, even though he wasn’t seriously injured.
I could see someone initiating a serious lawsuit if McDonald’s hadn’t given warning about the hot coffee. But in this case, they had given warning. Unless a big sticker proclaiming COFFEE IS HOT-HANDLE WITH CARE isn’t warning enough.
It's the same situation with The People (who could use some money) vs. Tobacco Mega Corporations (who have lots of the green stuff). This brings to mind many a Seinfeld episode in which Kramer goes to his lawyer for some insignificant matter or another. Lawsuits in the real world, however, aren’t motivated by entertainment, but by money.
These frivolous lawsuits are just that-unworthy of serious attention. Cigarette advertisements, or at least the ones I’ve seen, grant plenty of warning against the use of their products. Yet, people continue to sue and continue getting money from the companies. Don’t take this the wrong way though; I’m not pro-tobacco. I just believe if you’re right, you’re right. And when you include warnings, there is no reason to pay for the mistakes of another when he or she fails to take heed to the warning.
Just as a precaution, though, watch out for hot beverages and scalding nacho cheese.
Column #2, April 21, 2000
Layin' the Schmazz Down
Searching for the perfect campaign button... or candidate
The Lane County Fair isn’t exactly a grand affair. Last August my younger sister Sam and I were at the fair, and we decided the convention center was THE place to be, what with all the demonstrations I only see on infomercials, along with the Star Wars Pepsi cups and the artisans and merchants selling their many wonderful wares.
So, being me, I bought a Mountain Dew, first ordering the frazzled worker to make sure I got an Obi-Wan Kenobi cup, of course.
With my thirst finally quenched, Sam and I were free to fulfill her lifelong dream of being a person with...a lot of buttons.
We bypassed a Republican table to hit the favorite table of our demographic, the Democrat table.
Here, Sam could indulge in a variety of buttons. And indulge she did, with the following three buttons (two being out-of-print collectables!): “Socks for President,” “Neuter Newt” and my now-favorite, “Al Gore for President 2000.”
Which brings me to my current campaign: What is up with Gore being called a bore? Sure, the moniker is cute because it rhymes with his last name, but he isn’t really as robotic as many dorks like to think- he’s just, well, “polished.”
This is the point in my stream of consciousness where I declare something loudly to anyone who will listen: “Gore better be our next president, or I’LL LAYETH THE SMACKETH DOWN ON SOMEONE!”
I’m willing to do this, as I’ve lost faith in the parts of our great country where George W. Bush got more votes than John McCain.
Before I continue to make myself sound less intelligent than I actually am, I’d like to point out that I do pay some attention to the race, even if I cannot vote for a president until the 2004 election.
Every day I read the Register-Guard, turning directly to page 3A to read about the candidates’ viewpoints, campaign trips and whatnot.
Did I mention my most recent favorite hobby is to remember all the really stupid things Bush has said?
Now, he isn’t all bad, I’ll admit that much. But when it comes to presidents, Gore better be inhabiting the Oval Office, or I’ll layeth the . . . you know.
So, now I should make a case out of Bush’s intelligence, or lack thereof (and I won’t even begin to go into his lapses in grammar).
Exhibit A: Bush was on a Canadian satire show, “This Hour Has 22 Minutes,” when the host asked him how he felt to hear that Canada’s Prime Minister “Jean Poutine” had endorsed him.
Bush said something about Canada being our most important northern neighbor (as opposed to who- Alaska?), and that Poutine realized Bush’s goals for free trade.
All right-so that in itself isn’t particularly offensive, but here’s the punchline: Canada’s Prime Minister never endorsed anyone, and his name isn’t “Jean Poutine,” it’s Jean Chretien, as I'm sure you already know.
Poutine just happens to be a popular Quebecian fast food of french fries, gravy and cheese curd.
Need I say more?
Is it really necessary to point out any momentary lapses of intelligence Bush has demonstrated? Ok, it’s not necessary, but . . .
Exhibit B: A reporter asked Gore about Bush’s intelligence, to see if he were insinuating Bush was stupid. Al “Mr. Roboto” Gore started laughing hysterically, nearly choking on his Diet Coke.
He then told the reporter something about Bush’s intelligence, “off the record.”
Which, in effect, means, if this reporter keeps his “journalistic integrity,” we’ll never find out why Gore was laughing so hard.
I may not disagree with everything Bush says, or agree with everything Gore says (which I certainly don’t- he drinks Diet Coke, for crying out loud), but I do share enough of Gore’s perspectives to vote for him, if I could.
Until then, I’m going to try to work up the courage to ask Sam for temporary custody of that Gore 2000 button, and wear it proudly until 2004.
So, when school starts up again and we start printing, I'll add my columns. Much to your chagrin, I'm certain.
Go back to Schmazz Productions main
© 1997 schmazz@aol.com
Get your own Free Home Page