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Kevin is a wonderful guy. But I could never be happy with
him. Something I've searched long and hard to put words to, but
can't. It's a feeling, that something will always be missing,
not quite right. It had nothing to do with his being into BDSM
either. Part of it is because he has a 4 yr old son. I have no
interest in meeting the kid. If me and him were to date for years
and I'd never meet the boy, it wouldn't bother me in the least.
But his son is a big part of his life and I'd never ask him to
choose between us. And I'd know that I'd come second to his son.
I don't think I could handle that.
So I allowed my heart to rule my head and not try to justify
my feelings with something as archaic as words. Kevin is a terrific
guy, but I would forever be holding back something, and that
isn't fair for either of us.
Then there's Gary. I knew in the back of my head that he isn't
ready for something beyond friendship. And he's not. Too much
other stuff going on in his life, work deadlines, a daughter
he's trying to keep under control, his daughter's mom who is
hounding them both.
I want a relationship but at the same time the thought of
being committed scares me silly. So when someone wants something
serious I bolt and look for guys that can't or don't want anything
serious. That way I can say, 'oh, well, I tried.'
So I'm back to where I was a few months ago. Just dating and
trying my damnest to keep them at arm's length when something
other than just 'hanging out' comes up.
Was it Rita Rudner who said men want someone that can get
really close to who leaves them alone?
Well, that goes for me too. Maybe I need a long distance relationship
where we only see each other a few times a year.
last time ~ next time
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